SEEDS Zoom Mediation Demonstration

The Balance Careers

I've learnt about the steps and stages in a mediation. I learnt the professionalism with which mediators approached their work (confidentiality agreement, notes will be deleted afterwards, agreements written and their validity, evaluation forms). I'm impressed that the presence of obserers in the room can be acknowledged on screen, and that they really add to the different perspectives of the mediation. I really see the power of co-mediation, how different people tackle different aspects, the micro and the macro. I see how technology can both aid and impede progress. I truly appreciate the clear guidelines, the constant empathy, summarizing and rephrasing.

I found the mediators very professional and measured. They gave themselves time to ground before the session and check in with each other. They maintain a respectful attitude towards the agency of the parties involved. Even when they wanted to bring issues up, they are very considerate in naming the things and dynamics that they see. They notice the emotions displayed through the body languages of partipants. They made known very clearly that the mediation process is in the hands of the participants and not lead the discussion. They're also very straightforward about the limitations of mediation (not binding, limited time, etc.). They express their feelings (I was very touched seeing the depth of your relationship) and I found it helpful to rekindle connection.

I would practice a bit more the introduction, especially Zoom instruction part. I will also pay closer attention to the words of participants, because sometimes I think the rephrasing really helps and sometimes it can trigger something in me (willful teenagers, etc.). Personally, I can see myself affected by certain things that the participants said because of pain from my own past experiences, and I don't think I can express the wish for deeper exploration of the relationship as shown here, it feels a little like pushing from my end.

Introduction
Opening
Summarizing & Notetaking
Agreement writer
Distribution of evaluation form

Observers should be visible

Welcome
How about we start by introduction of our names and our pronouns
Short Zoom: change name tag *can skip
Intro of the mediators & observers (mediators in training)
Zoom

Change your name tag with pronouns
Address each other by name to know who we're talking to
Gallery view can see everyone *can be clearer
Not speaking keep on mute - good connection and clarity with sounds
3-hour mediation, will be 1 break, but tell us if you ever need a break
Write down the phone number of Zoom if things got dropped (ID & pw)

Thank you for coming, takes a lot, take time out, hugely brave, positive, in right direction
M2: Process:

speak freely
speak to us first, one at a time
Know that we're here with you, just taking notes
At some points we'll invite you to speak to each other to brainstorm agreements
Process experts, we guide the process, clarify any issue, you're content experts (know your experience, best to find solution, this is the space for you, own the process)
Client evaluation
Check-in a month from now to see how agreements hold out
Outcomes: Sometimes doesn't agreement, but process (discovery, communication) allow for some level of resolution. If the conversation goes to a place you feel is right, you can reach solution. If not come for a second session to draft agreement
Not legally binding. Agreemnt in good dfaith. Understanding and empathy between you two will hold it

M1: Guideline

`strong process, strong emotion
Use I statements, not interrupt
scratch paper and pen, we'll get to you *good body language
refrain from interrupting, offensive language
address the person you're speaking to by name
voluntary process, at any time you want to stop, it's okay
ask you keep the video on, you want to hang up
welcome to ask for breaks
Agree? Any additional guidelines

M2: Confidential

Email from DocuSign to sign
Legally info in this mediation cannot be used in court
Ethical: don't gossip, record, disclose info, to ensure you both feel you can be real and discuss things at hand
Good faith, respect confidentiality and privacy
Notes will get deleted

Access needs: young child
other children involved, how we would release info to them

We can draft in agreement how info can be disclosed

It sounds like you both agree it'll need to be shared with the other children
Are you both ready?

hard stop 4:30
M2: if needed can schedule 2nd

Generally we'd ask who'd like to go first
Brief statement what is your goal, why you're here
Do you have a preference on who'd like to begin, do you want to discuss among you?

Dad passed away early, left money in Van's care. Van get portion, kids portions, majority to her church. Church shouldn't have dad's money
Van's children - half siblings
Dad worked his whole life. Give that to an institution
Catholic church, problems, not a good place, bad experience with church

M1: okay. M2: reflected - made some choices you're struggling with, money given to the church is a big concern
P1: I've said that, she's like it's now in her name so not a lot of leverage I have
M2: there's this aspect that it's legally underher name, you'd like to reach a different agreement? How things are looking from your perspective, what's the conflict at hand, doesn't need to be in response
P2: met at church, Sadie's mom - Cindy was there, safe space, heal & grow, Mark & I active in different organizations, Sadie was teenager at the time, unruly, hard to manage, It was what he wanted, Sadie got divorce agrimonous feelings, I'm not keeping any of it, give it to children and to church, money wouldn't be available until I die, I think it was generous of me, betray Mark if I change his plan, 3 small kids
M1 reflect: Mark passed 5 months ago, sanctuary, refuge, part of ur relationship with Mark, you're set, some money to children to have some seed money,
P2: I don't come from money I've been industrious.
M1: you've been surprised?

Observer back pain, how are you both feeling with that?
What are you hoping today?

P2: Sadie rethink her decision, family photo album
M1: peace with decisions made, album. Sadie: What you hope to get out of mediation today?
P1: different decision about the trust, visit dad every week, nursing home providing very poor care, didn't want to do anything, I don't understand, people aren't getting shit care my dad got
M1: you have some feelings
M2: lot of feelings, face tightening, I notice, if you'd opening up
P1:

Mom sick for a long time
oh how innocent, what a beautiful friendship that was
teenager, move in on my dad, I'm supposed to be polite
As an adult continuingly being treated like a child
my divorce, not support around taht

M2: not just money, energy & dynamic accummulated

not shitty teenager, willful teenager *NOT exact words
it was rough years, didn't feel heard or seen
Do you want to say, not response, justify... But we're opening, anything you're feeling called to share/ to bring to this group

P2: I can never heal the pain/ loss of her mother, not be her mother. Only be her friend, love her & her father & sibling. Together for 15 years. We were friends. Things moved quickly, but not I was moving on her father. Connection magnified because I knew how it was to loose spouse. Lose love of your life by yourself. Older. Coping while be strong for your kids.

No place a replacement. very real. I saw that, one of the things I think about when I started relationship
Nobody expected him to have a stroke, in nursing home
*I don't understand
Care of nursing home. It wasn't weekly, visit was short. So young, lose both parents. AT her age I had 3 children at that time. I don't want go to lawsuit with the home. I was there every day, nursing & feeding him. It's forever, it should be.
Make attacks, say such hurtful things.
Pregnant with my youngest and I thought things would be good between us.

M2: Sasha if I miss sth please fill in

You *want Sadie to know, loved her dad, knew her mom, not replacement
Things move fast, genuine love, lost spouses, very close connection coz of that
Wanted to be there for Sadie, love her & her 3 siblings
Care in nursing, you present throughout process, not interested in lawsuit
Did I miss anything?

M1: Yes. How does that feel,
P2: lawsuit takes a long time, we don't have time, I don't want to spend that time in court, her, her siblings, tragic we lost him not nursing home's fault
M2: want money for Sadie to restart her life, upset/ anger/ sth around divorce, I saw Sadie react to that, that seem to be an issue, I just want to put it on the table?
P1: Can I respond to those things

work full time, at home on Sun, not once saw nurses
every week, we never crossed path interesting
in closed, not being taken care of,

M2: I'm not there with you but I can feel ur pain, Van & Sasha
M1: box of tissue, incredibly painful, we're here to take a moment with you
P1: I just don't think that's right. Soiled clothes. No staff. No dignity in that place. I don't know how Van is fine with it, other people still live there.
M1: every Sun to see your dad, felt neglected, no staff, soiled clothes, really really hard. The hurt has been there for longer. Some hurting between u & Van
P1

She could be there. I could have been there for my dad but you were there, what did I have, thank you? like I don't know how to lose someone

M1: how old were you when you lost your mom?

enormous loss with your mom
some disconnect started back then, relationship issue with u & Van
lots of history. Started at that time I would hear

M2: see her shake her hands,
P2:

in Mass, pray for miracle, one stroke, mini-strokes, lost control of his bowel, change his diapers, clean up, dignity, not have nurses do it if I was there
hard for Sadie
didn't have anyone totalkto me, maybe thats why she's upset
not our intention, friendship to romance to leave her out
children & her , they loved her like a sister
pains me to see her in so much pain
she works & an incredible young woman
generous to give her antoher start
I see her working so hard, I know she lvoes her dad, one thing I can offer that she might accept

M1: Van can I repeat back what you said?

On Sun pray for your husband, went to extreme pain over it.
You want to change your husband to retain his dignity, was that something you requested the nurses

P2:Mark self-sufficient, indep, active, loved music, I coulnd't heal I could pray and give him dignity
M1: I'm wondering how it is for you to hear that
P1: I never saw, I assumed you weren't going
M1: I'm sensing a lot of feelings right now
M2: long relationship, lots of challenges. I'm wondering if it'd be helpful to also think of the places where you have good reltionhip, or spaces where you could feel trust, I'm curious if there are aspects of relationships that are better than others
P2: married, so happy, such beautiful bride, pregnant with broher, graduating high schools
M2: why were they good yfor you
P2: felt like family, so happy, seeing her dad witnessed, and my kids, I tried to hug her she recoiled, called, doesn't return, I email, how connected we were, I want to see her happy
M2: thank you Vanessa. You don't have to respond to Van, yes or no, either way, have been moments
P1: I could see eventually she was good company for my dad, lots of moments he was happy, hearing her name like the day I got married, first in the list challenging

open abt disapproval about my decision abt that relationship
Mark religious
When ppl go through w divorce, t's not for nothing, they're donig what they need to do, your judgment, I don't want to answer ur calls, I need support not judgment, marriage as sacred, he didn't keep up any of his vows to me, it wasn't a holy sacred anything, I'm proud of myself for getting, I don't really want to talk to u abt it or hear abt it

M2: one of challenging aspects - feel judged by Van, do recognize took some time to see Van impt to dad, afraid of feeling judge, need support, relationship really painful, I want to flag that that it was difficult, you're proud, if it is important for you to tell Van , for her to know that you feel proud of having stepped out
P1: Van acceptable or okay, do you want to try, this is opportunity to test things that worked/ not worked in the past, you can see what response is, mediation is not place for that, but place where you try to change patterns
M1: pause for a minute, I hear both, losses, both of your relationship starts with losses, we're now in this big loss, I head certain topics, choose sth

nursing home
how money is divided, what did you hear sophie

M2: different degrees of urgency

relationship strained, I hear pain & distrust, the other one doesn't have ur back, you said you have each other's back, recognized role Van had in dad's life, she wants support??? but from Van?? Van wanted

M1: how you both are feeling? break, collect thoughts/ self, choose 1 or prioritize
P2: damned if I do, damned if I don't
M1: sounds like you'd like a break, Sadie?
P1: great
M1: would 10 mins be okay? turn video off, clear, sit and just feel how it's going

Break:

M2: micro, macro, entrenched
M1: practical side with money,
M2: Van don't seem movable with money, Sadie reluctant to see different patterns ( go quick to negative, what she experienced in the past), if we go to sth specfic like money, Van stay with no this is what's right, Sadie will have self-fulfilling
M1: connection first, if not then not beneficial, this is about father, father hasn't been brought up, share
M2: anger with father, key player
M1: is it abt the money, is it legacy, what there feelings about him, ask open-ended

bring observers in

O1: agree on nursing home not providing best care, prevent other families from poor care
M2: sth got robbed, what he wanted, how to honor him
O2: marriage, have more reaction, church is heated, divorce, change fr friendship to romance, she doesn't want money to go to her self/ the kids

Back

M1: was the break helpful, legacy for mark, what you want for him, I think there are differences, other issues, division of assets, care he received in the home. What are your thoughts about that, have you had any thoughts while you were on break that you think it'd be a good direction to go *YEP
P1: Sophie asked me earlier, I said no, with ppl here it's a better time, Van said she loves me like a daughter, she was go happy when I got married, she prayed a lot , go to church every week
M1: talk more about divorce, not sure that's where you're going, agreement about format, discuss how to talk about it, Van have anything to say
P1: ok
M1: do you feel complete with sharing about what you felt you want to talk abt, felt very judged, pious, innocent, opening the floors to say openly what she thinks about it, put it on the table
M1: sorry I didn't mean to interrupt *YEP, getting your different viewpoints
M2: requesting Van to be upfront and real about her getting a divorce, that might be impt for Sadie, correct me if I'm wrong, since this is controlled mediation, good place to open that. You're requesting Van to be honest & real about what she thinks about you getting divoice
P2: If that what she needs.
M1: any thing in break percolated for you?
P2: I can't compare loss of husband,

children to raise, be a part of Sadie's life as she grows
5 months, feels real & raw and miss him, hold that back, that's Sadie's dad and her mom is gone
I try to be strong for everyone
brought me joy, *Mark was happy to see her settled
I still believe what I believe but
I''ll support her
we saw her ecstatically happy, a few months go by, she's distant honeymoon caught up in love
out of nowhere for us, have you tried counselor, rector at church,
dissolved she takes anger out on me, safe dumping ground
not fair, we were informed, didn't come for us/ ME for help
I lost 2 spouses that I love, relationships are hard, did she/ they try hard enough
I want her to have the same kind of happiness, old-fashioned, come across as judging
*I'm triggered, wHY the fuck
her mom's sick, her dad, her divorce, all just heaped on me

M2: damned if I do - it doesn't matter which direction she said, Sadie feels angry

values & beliefs abt her marriage
not judgment but yearning for a connection

M2: Sadie was one of the ppl who was supportive when we saw that we were happy, marrying, interracial more challenging, over time she saw united for each other, church, our children

I want to get back to the good place that we were before divorce, pregnant, we have each other, only family that we have

P2: yearning, working hard for relationship

Mark would want
I'm generous, willing to give to her now, my way of reconciling, it's my hope she sees it as a chance to have new beginning
to have us as part of her life as she moves forward

M1: okay to reflect what you heard, response
P1: we're all family we had, my dad wanted money for church, our relationship like it was when she had our little brother, my dad wouldn't want us to be fight, I don't remember the rest
M1: I heard she was appreciative of the support you provided for her and Mark as interracial couple. Continue family. peaceful connection before divorce
M2: I wonder Sadie if what Van shared answered the questions you had, if that's what you wanted
P1: trying hard enough, going through my phone contact, talk to my friends
P2: you could've come to us
M1: talk to each other, foster that and encourage
P2: wished you come to us, we both felt, we would

he was controlling or harming, we would never want
we relied on faith bc sustained
I wish we would have knowned, we'd moved you out, made changes to help
You never told us you needed the help, we didn't
ur dad would never stand by, disrespect, abused, no faith gets in the way of protecting family and each other

M2: how did it feel to hear from Van
P1: only message fr church: serve ur husband, make him happy, it's ur duty, plenty, didn't need to here more, spreading messages
P2: I assumed incorrectly that ur anger with church misplaces, how ur dad & I met, importance in our lives, marriage is forever, partner is abusing is a different understanding, mockery of marriage, but if what you're telling me is true, hearing it for the first time, absolutely best thing, no doubt, wished you come to us, what made it feel impossible for you, nobody should have to do it, no one
M2: if you feel important, what made it difficult for you to go back and , close connection
P1: things hard, messages I got, marriage is hard, put your partner first, marriage is compromise, work at it, sth not feeling right/ okay. He said I couldn't talk to my best friend. Your husband comes first.
P2: I apologize, no idea you were carrying that, I didn't protect, failed you, I told ur mom I would care for you, I'm so sorry,
P1: it's not your fault either
P2: it's not your fault
M2: I'm so taken aback by tears, raw emotions, love you two have, 15-yr difficult relationship filled with loss, breathtaking, touching, how much you cared, tell from the way you speak you deeply cared for one another *YEP
M1: just an observation, I can see where there is a lot of feelings abt church, strong struggle with what's taught to you in church, incredibe decision to make
P1: loosing that last scrap of family, hear that family and children are here
P2: I wish we're not on zoom, hug, tell you i love you, could have protected, angry he stole those years from u, from us, I know ur dad misses you too. I want o know what can I do to make it right.
P1: I want you to know, not hold it's against me no need proyect. I'd like some other place to go, that's up to you.
M2: Question to all of you, second mediation about money, now is agreement abt relationship in itself, what feels right, also to Sasha if you think it's a good proposal
P2: important to reconsider where money goes, I need a little bit of help, I don't want to go back, forward if possible, eager & pushing for things, dissapointed and wait, important is to take ur lead on how we'd move forward
M2: let's do that, this is ur mediation, we have 1 hour before hard stop. Sasha,
M1: one of the things I'm hearing is, legacy, different feelings/ reasons, decision would left with Van, ideal decision. In an ideal world, what you know, loved about Mark, what you felt about him. Opportunity without responding to each other what you think would be the best thing for the money. What do you both think about that?
P1: church important, he wasn't in agreement with my divorce, Van's inclination to donate, he wouldn't be in disagreement around, when he was alive

he didn't, won't know, breast cancer (if you don't), other people in shitty situation
Sunday school forever, harmful, bad situation, obligated to stay in sth long, duty, sinful to do sth else. don't want family's money to support that

M1: It sounds like, he didn't know. What I'm hearing Sadie, is that, Both of you are in agreement is that the money should go to a good cause. Disagreement is what a good cause is... Did you say domestic violence? Research with breast cancer. "Those are great?" Sounds like there's still a lot of hurt around that. Anything you want to add?
P1: Nursing home. I was confused. Knowing that you really saw what was going on made me question how strong I was feeling. Maybe we can talk more about what you were seeing...
M1: Sounds like you want to discuss what the care was, really talk about that, what was happening, what did you see... Is it okay if I put that aside for a minute, give Van a chance to respond?
M2: Legacy, after that go back to Sadie, we didn't hear, your relationship to him, your vision/ hopes for him
P2: Family, music, faith. Adamant about his wishes to donate to church. Nursery in the church, donate to other charities that are in need, breats cancer, donate some money there. Maybe there is a bigger consideration. Survivors of domestic violence.
P2: Wasn't feeling always welcomed, safe place for children, sanctimonious people
P1: I would like to be part of that, want something concrete today
M1: We are writing these things down, you said ... Van said ... (want to cooperate, not necessarily attached). Would you like doing some small agreements now, small steps to collaborate together?
P2: I'd hold open the door, album, when we can see you, I don't want to push too hard, so much time is lost already,
M2: One thing I'd like to say as mediator, these are all important decisions, you're coming to new views on relationship, not to rush, forced for either of you is the last thing we want, put you in a worse place than before, ultimately your decision, Big decisions and feelings shift. Give both benefit of time, of processing. Emotions running high, you two feel good about these agreements, walking together. How does that land
P2: Eager to have you back, I see you're hurting, I'll go as slow as you need me to
M2: I see you're hurting, you really want connection, as process expert, you to feel whole,
P2: the more I think about it,
P1: not want to keep the photos from them, I'll make copies
M1: a lot of agreements, small steps towards collaboration. If now is a good time to craft a written agreemt, not binding, reminder, next step, vulnerability, courage, openness, a lot shifted. Can everybody see each other and the screen?

Family:

Bring copies of album & have lunch on the 6th (unless someone got sick, then we reschedule to another Saturday, 13th)
When we meet can we talk more about nursing care
M1: Would you want to set a time for it?
P2 & 1: Set the last part of the visit

Money:

Willingness to get together and figure out which charities connected to the Church
Some will need to go the church
What is a way you can honor your dad in his wishes? Is that important to you or not?
If we're here to discuss doing what he wants, so there's nothing to discuss. Things will be distributed after Vanessa died (Church, the kids - trust disbursed when I die)
M1: Get together and look up charities. How do you see it happening? Do together or research on your own?
P2: Another session
M2: I want to put on the table, Van to be specific on the percentage because you're afraid Sadie will leave the family
M1: This is huge! Can we write this down as the agreement?

Photo Album:

Back to money:

P2: Sadie & Sanchara more
P1: feeling weird
M1: I see you being emotional, what does that mean for you
P1: I didn't ask for that, but ....
80 + 40 kids, now 30 + 90
P2: I need to know about your needs, 50 you & Sanchara, 40 for the other two. Save for a house, basic needs met at the moment, not a lot saved. More than 10k, more than I expected, 25-25-20-20, 30-30-15-15.
P1: aid, I don't have to protect you, as generous as I can be
M2: Amount to charities up to 30k, subject to be less

Closing:

Survey
Second Mediation
It sounds like there was a lot of opening and shifts, openness to communication, you were really present and got to a lot of agreements
Do both of you feel complete with the agreement, at least for now?
Thank you both
Anything you'd like to say to each other?

Debrief:

How was that for you?
What went well?
What was challenging?

nghe

Post a Comment

Post a Comment

Contact Form