Think through my & group's capacity limits when I'm a leader - Oct 21
The mystery of we each come from whatever we come from. And we intermingle here for 2 hours.
Leadership as a position where people look up to you, not just an internal orientation.
Something beyond my capacity, how do we think through it.
Graceful Degradation of Function: Capacity decreases, nothing to do about that. But function can degrade gracefully.
We declare loss of capacity BEFORE we're out of capacity enough that we can't do our responsibility.
Track & declare capacity. Prepare for impact when I crash. Get ppl involved in prep for impact.
Potential impact of NOT doing something - people don't think about, only think about impact of DOING something.
Invite more ppl into board of directors to discuss what happens next:
- When there's too much emotional tension, socialize & broaden the issue instead of keeping it personal (make it LARGER!).
- Say it early, so we can co-hold the conversation about the impact of our low capacity.
- Else we drained and fall into patterns: imposing, or giving up.
- Leader, you can't do this to us, why you selfish, make problems for us.
- =Bear with me for a moment, it will connect later
- Alice Miller: we're a bundle of needs when we were conceived. At that time, we didn't see that the other person has needs. Mother becomes the only strategy, and it's very hard to see mother's needs. We see leaders not as human beings with needs. We need extra RIGOR to say this is our needs without making it bigger or smaller. This is my need. You don't have to fulfill it. But please see me as a human being.
Matua - Seeing things from a larger perspective:
- Trust in life. Low capacity is always temporary.
- Divine intervention - I see that he likes money because he wants peace, ease, flow.
Liz - Our culture imposes on us: We cannot say our needs because I'm too needy, too emotional.
- Patriarchy has individual & communal cultures. Communal --> don't ask for support because everyone is already stressed.
Lynette: Leave Voids. Voids are fertile areas. Voids of the whole, and capacity materializes.
- We don't just have 2 choices: Doing ourselves or Pushing on others. We can Leave Voids.
- Make the voids public. Make invitations. Let people know what's the impact of not caring for the voids.
- Standing agenda: Who has capacity to have that? Not me, not me, etc. Okay, no one.
There's no situation that's bad enough, that you cannot make it worse by adding a little guilt to it.
STEPS TO DEAL WITH LOWER CAPACITY:
- Share with co-workers that you're going down
- Share the impact of this
- Brainstorm together how we can handle this decreased capacity (Co-holding emergency situations alleviate the stress)
- Is there no one else at all (your friends, family, her friends, etc.) who can help you with small things? = I hear you're living an isolated life. We're not meant to be alone. You're way to alone. When your mom is dealing with cancer is not the time to overhaul your entire life. The moment that something is possible, I invite you to take the excruciating risk of exposing your needs to other people.
- =I want you to pay a lot of energy to that word, and release it. And have a lot of tenderness. Bạn có thể đặt toàn bộ sự chú tâm vào từ đó được không, và rồi buông nó ra, càng dịu dàng càng tốt? Eat bitterness. Cultural message. This is the place where your culture is unfree. This is an either/or place that keeps this going. I trust that you can care for your mom without eating bitterness. I have to put 100% to care for her, it I give less, that's not enough. =I'm just hanging with you, coz we're at the edge of capacity to engage across cultural barrier and your willingness to reveal what's going on inside is so touching for me. I take that as a lot of trust you have in me and the culture in this group that you and I will be held with a lot of care and it's okay to say all of this. Mình cùng ngồi đây với nhau một chút, vì mình đang ở rìa của năng lực của cả hai rồi.
- = I want to take a few seconds and see what arises. I have a sense that we're not done. I don't have an immediate next thing to say. I'd like you to to sit with it too, not to instantly say something. It's not comfortable, it's okay.
- If I give 125%, I can cure her cancer. If I give 95%, and she doesn't get better, it's all my fault. I want to give 200% to mom and 100% to my job. I feel shame and guilt and insecurity.
- =We're co-holding a HUGE puzzle. You're holding something for all of us right now. A flavor of it is Chinese. This whole way of patriarchal living that is ANTI-life.
- I hate to ask for help. =I now know what's homework for you, you can take it or not. At least twice each day, ask for help. Build the muscle.
- Right in this moment you're NOT alone. Your struggle is on the table for ALL of us to hold together. Please wait and take it. All the people who want for you. Wait a few full deep breaths in the fear, the sweat, then say something to close.
- When you go to your mind, you're back to the patterns. Go to your heart, your hands, at the cellular level, feel what you feel. Fear and for the first time, frustration. Feel what you feel. Ask for help. Trust life that there're many possibilities. Tell us what happens the next time you speak.
- Attend to her needs. Attend to my purpose. Nourish myself.
- The grace here. Sometimes heal, sometimes not, always learn.
Teach so that many people have at the cellular level.
Rigorous - what kind of lack of capacity - bandwidth (too many things on my plate), mental, physical
Observe & accept my patterns. Self-acceptance is the key.
1. When not in capacity to break out of pattern, observe and accept what is without trying to change anything.
2. Tuning into how others suffer and may even be put in danger if I crash because I’m not caring for my capacity. (Turn around of communal culture pressure of not asking for help because it would take collective resources that could be used to care for others.)
3. Turning towards receiving, acknowledging that for me, receiving is harder than giving, and make it a practice to receive, to engage in the art of opening up my heart, stay with what is given from the heart to me, as it is coming my way, and savoring how my heart is touched, moved, held and nourished.
4. Practicing asking for help.
5. Building a support system, and inspiring others to do the same.
6. Nourishing myself, connecting to to life, including helping & connecting to others.
Jersey City, NJ. And my email is adam.ma.nyc@gmail.com
@I don't have the energy to start new things.
Trust Myself - Oct 28
One of a deepest principles that we violate all the time: You put your needs on the table, you increase the chance.High threshold: if you're dying to connect with me. This shows you've thought through your response.
If we weigh things in the moment, we are in life. If we go by rules, we are not alive.
When confronted with fear and overlaying ideas about stepping out to lead?
(1) Too scared Damn it, I won't let the system keep me small
(2) Not good enough Bullshit, I'm good enough, this is what I have.
Question: Who are you to ...I am the one who is willing. I'm the one who will show up.
Project: Video that showcase people who're stretching their comfort zone & norm.
=Systemic lens: keeping us confused & small = make sure the system won't change ---> This link strengthens a few ppl, including Miki.
Do not waste any resources.
Fear of success
If I succeed, (1) I will be alone, (2) I will not be able to sustain my integrity.
(1) I can be fully of myself regardless of whether others like me or not.
Are you willing to risk being alone for that purpose? Will you take the risk for all of us?
(2) Solid trust: that whatever happens I will sustain my integrity.
If I did trauma work, I will not get triggered by rejection, thus I can step forward.
Stepping forward has a range of 1-100. If you did trauma work, you step 70. If you didn't, step 1.
Intention: I'll be honest with my friend.
Action: I'll tell her I want transparency for both of us.
=Will you tell us the next time you're here?
=There is weight to a community holding something together, not that they'll judge you if you fail.
The Ego is a way to balance what the system has beaten out of us.
What is it that YOU want to DO?
Liberation is connecting with needs that we can do something about
Classic phenomenon: Something is super important, and we respond beyond capacity.
=What can we do to support you to come back to functioning within capacity?
Having trust in life when you're systemically oppressed is a big ask, because life is set up not to work for you.
Restoring trust in life: Humility - I don't even know what working means. If I stick to my idea, I lose possibilities.
If she stays alive, then I'll be okay. = limiting thought
In order to stay within capacity, when we want something really much, we have to hold a void, hold a willingness that this thing will happen. Not that it won't happen, but I'm willing.
=Your struggle supports me in contributing to the whole.
Not the CONTENT of what you struggle with, but HOW you're struggling. Staying on the edge of capacity and not knowing what to do.
=Let's pause to stop and breathe. You'll let us know when you're ready, NOT BEFORE.
This doesn't lessen the grief and struggle one bit. This just gives you some life juice. Can we move to the next person?
=Kaisa, you decide when is the right time for you to speak
How to support people in power imbalance?
Is this a low-trust situation?
Is there a specific thread? Not transparent. --> People are not in agreement, or people are not aware?
If the person trusts you, then you can be the one to share their impact.
My first step - give empathy outside of system.
You be the bridge - instead of sending a letter, how about bringing the letter with you and slowly share, ask how are you when you see this reality gap.
My vision includes everyone speaks up instead of acquiesce.
Touch on the personal to settle the energy field for the systemic work, not a substitute for systemic work.
Turn towards people and land to get your needs met.
Hopelessness, inertia - we don't mourn, it gets worse
@I get disappointed at myself, and I start binge reading.
Pull to instrumentalise relationship - Nov 4
You become instrument to get my needs met, or an obstacle.
The cultures in which we live tend to instrumentalize all relationships
"What's in it for me?" - The other person doesn't have their own center, being, meaning-making
All things in life are here for human.
Carolyn: Choose people who want to join me in my efforts
2 scenarios:
- Hey Carolyn, I've seen you around here many times. I like how you interact. Can we have a cup of coffee?
- Hey Carolyn, I see how you interact. This gives me a sense that the purpose that is burning in me might be of interest to you. Are you open to having a cup of coffee to explore whether we have sufficient alignment to work together on a project? And then after that we check if you and I feel aligned enough?
Do we share a purpose? is different from Do we like each other?
I have a purpose, and I build a relationship with you for that purpose. We both hold this with clarity.
Purpose-based relationship requires extra work to make this distinction clear. I don't work with you because we don't share a purpose, NOT because I don't like you.
How can credential white financially successful people support black entrepreneurs to succeed?
=I have noise inside my head about this word "succeed" and I want to get it out so I can focus on talking to you --> change to "empower"
- Black to become empowered to ask for what they need instead of being indifferent
- White to meaningfully support
=I'm just getting the weight of that even though you said in jest
=I hear echoes of things that I don't even know if I have any business knowing or even if it's true, but when a black man manages to work their way into certain places, the weight on your shoulder to be perfect, a standard, representative
"Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." - Marshall Rosenberg
"I'm ready to fail."
I'm having chills and the reason is that I feel like I feel into you, that time you took, leaves me confident that you actually engaged with me and you did something inside and that's so moving.
= I have a piece of noise and it's a question. I'm not asking you to answer, I want us to decide together whether we answer this question, or we go back to the original question. "Why can't you be the one to teach them, why do you need these whites?" "Open door vs. Teaching what they know"
When I fell down, many hands helped, many of those are white
=Here's the non-instrumental framework
- In your heart, trust that they want the world that you want, where blacks & whites both can achieve their goals & dreams. If you don't believe that they want it, you cannot form a deep enough relationship with them.
- Why this black white? =Absolutely. That's in the vision. And the structural reality we live in doesn't function like this.
- I've been working with you for some years. There are things about me that maybe you don't know. Do you want to be that white hand for the group of entrepreneurs I'm supporting.
- I'm filled with guilt & shame for being a white successful man.
- =I'm distracted because Liz's hand is up. Do you want to hear from her?
- I think I hear Lein saying "I'm impacted, but can we move past this?" Are we doing this for numbers, semantics, or really we care for all people?
=Now I want to slow every piece down.
=Deep gift to humanity. You guys are willing to bring it here. Match your courage and vulnerability with mine.
=Ask a specific question because I don't know how to recap what happened. I want to know what's missing for you to be able to follow. Otherwise we're gonna get OUR of the conversation to support you and I want to stay in the convo as much as possible.
=If you don't know, you can breathe until one question comes to you. Because otherwise I'll say thing that don't come from a sense of meaning in me but like fulfill a task for you that I don't even understand which parts are clear or not.
=I don't know if you meant this or not, racism is NOT just beliefs. BUT we back with economic, political structures.
I think it started from trauma that started patriarchy. The ideas serve the material demands of patriarchy.
=When they express their anger, they're actually saying their needs. You don't need to ask their needs again.
=Energetically, they trust you, they vent. You receive them, keeping the needs list for later when they settle.
=What is the frame, what is the purpose? What is the level of trust? How much do we compromise? How much do we go for vision?
=Not about reassuring, but tenderness. When they get caught in guilt, we remind each other that we're caught in this system.
I didn't hear this lens. Maybe you know this, but I want to name.
I want [ideal goal] and a gap in whether I want to change how I live my life.
Humility about the deepest ideals of enlightenment, Western civilization, those ideals are destructive
I change my way of thinking & my heart, I don't want another credential.
The Leadersless Revolution - Carne Ross -- It will help you understand why you were a jerk, what makes "not-bad" people act like jerks
- the need to belong, race traitor card
- in order to participate in those things, you get numb to your feelings
"trying to get a caterpillar in a jar with formaldehyde for class at 7" - "I never doubted my actions, only my feelings"
The brutalization that they experience as children, they won't tell you about
@this brutalization I've learnt as a child to ignore the pain I have. How much more mom and uncles had to minimize their pains because those are not as important as the war and getting food.
@being a representative number. I feel happy being in these groups because I'm the respected minority, I don't have to deal with my guilt when I talk to poorer relatives. Still going after the credential, just because I can. The pull to be secure is strong.
@connect based on purpose. Our purpose no longer align.
The higher up you are, the more brutal the training. In order to dehumanize others, you've to be turned against your own humanization.
=We put our own heart into it, I want to hear specific.
Feelings is how lives tell us what is going on
Not by the sword book: Rabbi & wife moved to southern town in the US, threatened by KKK. Leave kind messages.
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| Ivan the Terrible, the Russian Czar who killed his own son in 1581 (Ilya Repin) |
The freedom to disobey - Miki Kashtan
- No emotional engagement, talking about the war
- No systemic discussion but personal pathology
- Alice Miller: For Your Own Good (1983): breaking a child's will
- The highest good of a child's behavior is obedience, of an adult is rationality.
- Morality as grounded in a principle that conforms to reason - be it duty or virtue - rather than in human relationships, rather than trusting inner guidance (empathy, care, intuition, critical thinking, our own moral sensibilities) we adhere to norms external to our own choosing --->
- This strand is dominant in moral theory (Rawls) & moral development (Kohlberg)
- Khmer Rouge trained young guards (12yo) to torture animal to get them inured to others' suffering
- Zygmun Bauman (1989) modern rationality made cruelty possible on a larger scale, more effectively. "Mass destruction was accompanied not by the uproar of emotions, but the dead silence of unconcern."
- The gift of empathy is that it integrate mind and heart in the very same act as it brings together self and others.
- Morality and social norms are not neutral; if applied without intense personal engagement they will tend to favor groups and individuals in power. (e.g. mediation favor WASP norms - even keel expression, a certain rhythm of speech, and other subtle aspects that create less space & capacity to have voice)
- Conscious disruptor
- Pearl Oliner (1988) Those who rescued Jews came from households where obedience & punishment were not stressed
- Maria Yudina the pianist who moved Stalin
- Eugene De Kock and Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela
To forego training our children to be obedient. To integrate reason with emotion through embracing empathy as the foundation of a critical approach to morality. To stand up to power with courage and love. And to insist on an uncompromising commitment to see and honor everyone’s humanity, even, and especially, when we aim to stop them from acting violently towards others. It doesn’t mean always going against rules and norms; it does mean having the inner freedom to choose.
Drawing a line with mourning & purpose - Gertraud - Nov 12
How much resources we put into supporting a situation that is taxing for many people? When do we decide it's enough?
<We never start try. Bye.> ---------- <We never stop trying..>
Communities drain themselves, disintegrate, forget purpose when a community never says "Enough. We don't have capacity." We draw a line with mourning & with clarity that this is a life principle, and distinguish from patriarchy.
=I'm not a fan of the word "harm". What is the impact on you?
=I was fine with not understanding what benefit she got from this, and I was fine as long as there was enough collective resources.
=Is there anything you need? I know even though it was a clear decision it wasn't an easy one.
@Someone says things I don't like, someone who doesn't share my values in life and blatantly disagrees with it. I usually shrink and hide.
@Just m sharing how economics is important, and me shouting back that I believe in something else, after all she have done for me.
@Tender for all of us, over-capacity. Everybody straining.
@I'm afraid I would die, or do something silly. What does it take to face the suffering of the world without flinching. I find no meaning in trying to contribute to this onward march.
=Do you understand your impact on the group? Are you willing to not return?
I let someone go with care and not openness/ transparency -> ppl have their own stories -> I decide to share at high level the impact -> give the person to choose how to share this info, what is important to you in terms of belonging to the group, what'll support you in moving on?
=I want to pause and breathe to collective open our hearts. This too is human. This too is kin.
=I want you to slow down, feeling that you're feeling. For the rest of us to digest multiplicity of experience.
=Having you speak to the systemic nature
=Has it been too much effort? NOT has it been too little. And yes it has happened. I want to mourn.
It frightens me when ppl don't recognize limits.
It drain resources to do the things we came to.
SCARCITY vs FINITUDE
Limits are built into life. Scarcity is a relationship with finitude.
Just doing that discernment is not aligned with your vision? No, I'm big on discernment.
We try to include a person & explicitly exclude the rest of the impacted people.
Is there any reason you cannot support her now, just because a decision has been made for the group as a whole.
=I went out on a limb and I'm afraid, even if I don't look afraid.
Cyclical semitism
This will open up more than I know how to deal with. I don't have a clue how to deal with this.
Is there anything I can do now that support you in your fear? I don't know, but thank you for asking.
Are you accepting that reframe? Not it needs to be said, but "you have something to say, and you want to hear other things to others"
You have a sense that there are threads of meaning within this community that has not been said, and you're willing to say your piece.
Do not harvest all that is there -Braiding sweetgrass
Life stops but it doesn't end.
Stop absorbing impact/ extend energy, invite responsibility - Nov 18
"I'm calling in love"
what ever we are dealing with here is an elemental form of what humanity is dealing with. And the reality is we don't know how to deal with it. How little the collective capacity within the human species to actually respond in togetherness to what is happening.
(1) This is not a high-stake thing. It will not end world war or stop climate change.
Yet it is high-stake. We have an amazing opportunity to look at what is within capacity and purpose for us to do in relation to this.
Whatever we figure out here, will speed us up in the morphic field (= sum total on an energetic plane of what we know to do and how we know to respond)
(2) Nothing on the website about inclusion, keeping ppl comfortable, making people okay/ happy. I never intended to create comfort. I'm here to do what is mine to do, NOT what others think it's mine to do. I have the AUTHORITY to do what is mine. I don't have the authority to tell ppl what's theirs.
Purpose Clinic (12 mins) Tons of ppl ask me please tell me what is mine to do? I might tell, I never argue with them, or tell them they should. If I trust, I say the world will lose or you'll not have a meaningful life.
Hidden should: "There's not enough care."= interpretation about whether there is or isn't care and what does or doesn't count as care + there is an assumption that if there isn't care I or whoever is leading should provide it.
Deeply intrinsically significant for some people to figure out to engage with Gertraud. I want it to happen, not here. I'm not saying it's not important, it's not important to what I AM TRYING TO DO.
(3) I want to attend to as much as what ppl want me to attend to. Whatever I choose to do, gets my all. Good enough - I give what I need, not more, not less.
I didn't ask for support. I may loose capacity. Kit holds the group. Emma may support me. I have the phone no. of someone who will step in by voice. More than anything, I have YOU. This is no longer a collection of random individuals. I support it, but this is not my doing.
The field is volatile & history is heavy.
Purpose: I make it possible for others to grow, holding capacity for realigning with life. - That is fully my purpose.
Care System: not developed
Conflict System: the last line of the conflict system is that anyone who loses sufficient trust to be able to access available sources of care is invited to leave and get a refund if they gave money
Basta Line: important leadership
This is not conflict resolution class, but leadership class.
Bullied - 8-14, and spurts throughout the rest of my life
=I'm glad to see your face. I see your face I feel kinship. Thank you for turning on when it's not usual for you.
Untwisting of the energy field
Janet
= My heart beats fast. -- That's the next thing on your journey then.
Everything that happens, if we look & reflect deeply, has potential to change the whole.
The whole is made up of individuals & as individuals change, the whole can change.
I sent out energy & it bounces back.
I blame myself for wanting connection. I judge myself whenever connection doesn't happen the way I want.
=Can I reflect, or you want continue? This is super precious. ... Did I get this right?
=I want to say if you don't mind, why it's precious to me? PAUSE - Yes. We're vastly different, but this is in common. I feel at odds with you at multiple levels of content, I feel kinship with you in this orientation - going through the uncomfortable.
I spent decades to feel what I think.
=What request to make at the end of an expression, instead of just open discussion. How this relates to purpose. So many things were stimulated, not all are relevant to our purpose here.
Willingness & capacity to look inside instead of trying to change something outside is a high, premium pathway to liberation
Whatever happens is an opportunity for learning & liberation to happen.
Everything is not collection of indiv. We're not random indiv. We are shaped by ssytemic factors.
If you continue speaking, you'll be speaking against my wish, which is fine for a human being, but I want you to be aware of that.
Can I ask a yes/no question? No. There's very little that is more important to me then the wish for many more people to grasp the systemic level and not today.
It takes lots of effort to track, but no strain. I'm doing very well. If the tension is about wellbeing, my wellbeing is fine. If the tension is about something else, I'd like to know what it is.
I like you. I hold you precious as a human being. I care about you, I want your thriving, I appreciate your journey. Simultaneously, there isn't anything in me that is drawn to putting energy into you. Because I think we're on different paths.
I'm moving forward with people who want what I want. I'll engage with people as needed, but not initiate, put effort into it, or try to make it happen.
Can you say what you believe was important that had not been said.
A part of me was super irritated, because you didn't say what that was, and this doesn't achieve a purpose of building togetherness.
=I don't want to hear about agree/disagree, I want to hear what is important but wasn't said.
What's your sense of why it didn't come out?
I was pointedly asking people to speak to all the different perspectives and especially people who didn't like what had happened.
I will ask you a pointed question, are you aware that you're making lots of interpretations?
I would like you to say "This is my interpretation"
Do you have a request, is there something you'd like to see happen?
The weight of what you're saying in relation to the efforts that were being put into this situation is such a big weight on me. I want you to take responsibility for what is it that you want. And what do you want, who, to do what about it, to get what you want.
Here's where I want support. If you have the gift of clear speech.
=NO NO. It's not helpful to tell a story.
This session is happening because you made a request. There is still conversation needed to have in this class. We've gone into individual and not group processing.
=What you said wasn't what I meant.
The level of deflation is beyond me. Unless you have something specific that you want to see happen and who you want to take what action about it. I don't want to hear from you. Maybe someone want to, but I don't.
What is the vision? Not yours, but a vision for what is
step into the responsibility to steward the energy that you unleashed
Doing things differently, not absorbing everything that happened, and I'm sorry if that was comfortable.
I want you to pause because if you're asking me to listen to you, I want you to give me the space to decide if I have the capacity or not. Is it for you to be understood? Is it because you want to contribute to me? Is it because you want to contribute to other people? I want to understand the purpose for your continuing to speak before I will know if I can lend you my ear.
I'm not upset or feeling myself being triggered. I feel I'm supported by enough people to be able to go to a deeper layer of revealing what goes through me that I usually just absorb and manage and lead over.
Can you hear differently from I don't have capacity to reflect. No need to ask somebody else to lend their ears.
If your intention is to contribute to the whole, I would like you to look at people to imagine where people are and to speak to that. not just from you, but to US. Not abstract, but US.
Otherwise, it's not contributing to the whole it's still wanting to be heard and thinking that if you're heard, it will contribute to the whole. It's a huge difference.
We already have capacity. We know how to collaborate.
@Who are the voices that were not heard? Unknown to Lore --- maybe Lore didn't know the extra capacity?
In principle, we can always resolve conflicts with anyone. But in reality, we have limits.
= Is there any place where you can settle? It's not gonna be different from how it is, can you settle within that?
No matter what we did there will be trauma. It's just who absorbs and for how long. A decision by someone, how far do we go?
Are you saying
which trauma is visible to whom, made important to whom, always more going on, always
Everybody knows there is one more thing to say, but few people knows what ripples there will be
When Miki stops absorbing, that shows the gap, and we step into it.
Say it, this is my interpretation. What do you want? What action to be taken? What is your vision?
Dancing at the edge of capacity / in the gap of uncertainty
Despair of not knowing how to bridge the gap in exclusion --> Put your name in the chat
I want to name that as care also, care takes many shapes. Even keeping the group on purpose, though it's ridiculously difficult.
@What is important to me? --- What the group needs?
@Enough care --- Nothing in me to draw me to put energy into this. This is my vision, I will go with it, and on time to end.
Caring for choice of the participants?
We're here not to be cared for, but to grow.
@Thank you Paul for stepping up and naming the possibility that there might be capacity left somewhere, for us to walk towards vision, at least that’s my understanding. Thank you for staying through the heat with composure and focus on your wish to support the whole.
People have nothing to say. People have too much
Acknowledging my limits to support capacity actually takes a lot of capacity.
It goes diagonal to how we're used to functioning. Different wavelength, effort to integrate.
Finitude of my existence - Nov 25
Which of these things have non-redundant capacity, which will deteriorate when I die?
I teach these to others before the moment I die
Miki's work is a fallacy. For as long as it's seen as Miki's work, it dies with me. It comes from life through me. Some of you will carry it forward.
What would it takes for some of you to open to life so life can flow through you in this way?
Sure I have some gift, BFD (big fucking deal).
If I know you long enough, I can name 3-4-5 unique gifts you have that I don't.
If you're here, especially if you're here again and again, because you're tuned into a frequency of life.
You're not here to consume knowledge, but you're in a training program to take what's here and pass it on
Baseline capacity to walk towards this training to be a mini-source: no need to be at the level of integration, recklessness & shamelessness as I am now, in order to rescue significance.
There's something that cannot be taken in until we're in physical presence.
- Each of us take our plate to the sink. -->> reinforce scarcity. What's wrong with the fairness?
- Having dishes piled up for 1 person to take to the sink actually takes up less resources than each of us brings ours. More efficient to share & combine than to divide.
- The sharing system was working, but for her, fairness was the issue. Fairness was substitute for everyone's needs mattering. When we don't trust that life flows, don't trust that human beings can work out the optimal pathway to care for the needs on the table with the resources that are available to us with the least impact.
Owning our gifts is difficult, also difficult to own our limitations. Having a limitation & resisting that limitation is a drain, NOT having a limitation is a drain.
- defend herself & pretend limitation doesn't exist, or judge herself & feel shame
- I now understand I didn't have the capacity to respond to you the way you need. I have tenderness for myself why that was.
The web of life rests NOT in there being no impact, but in recovering from impact
Never apologize for anything, hold your limitations with tenderness, always acknowledge the impact
at some point we stopped being individuals. My life is not mine, it's no longer mine. It's up to Life & Gaia to tell me what to do. What are you going to do with your one precious life?
2 ways to find a sense of self:
1. Boundaries
2. Operates from a sense of beingness, we become a spot where life flows without any obstruction
Hell is having children, and thinking there's a thing as a good parent.
At 4-month-old, there's already a dance between meaning & connection bw baby & adults. In relationships where there was breaks & repairs, there was MORE trust than trust was never broken.
Society puts us in this ridiculous situation of twosomes with children.
I want more support - it means it's his responsibility, and others are support. Change that to "co-holding". It may not be possible. The children are not yours. Others are co-holding. Many adults co-holding many children.
I received so much, and I made a commitment that whoever shows up on my path, I will give whatever is mine to give.
I have such deep trust that you are using well whatever you receive here.
=I want to pause before talking to the next person's like the veil is thinner in certain moments of the conversation
How to overcome the fear of leaning into everything supporting everything?
I don't know. Trust is a gift from life, that has been destroyed by how our society structures.
The idea of building trust doesn't make sense, since you're trying to control.
If you consistently live the way you would as if you have more trust, you grow in your capacity to be okay when shit doesn't work out.
I wasn't afraid of dying, but dying disconnected, dying without having done certain things.
Facing life as one: The only criteria for choosing people to live with is they have tenderness for their limitations.
I'm aware of many people integrating & bringing this out on their own. Not many people tie their life together with a project of making this live collectively.
Giving feedback that supports people's liberation. Other people are not instrumental in acting out my values. How to I give feedback without expecting them to act out my values.
My work in this life is to hold space where shame is left at the door, we look honestly at ourselves.
Pre-formed groups only, webs of connection
Who'll continue to develop the work?
Teaching NVC as they understands it vs. Owning from within themselves and their lives of NVC
I'm grateful that every back-and-forth helps to clarify
People experiments together & become an authority in experimenting
Keep connection with the source. 100 people doing things separately not as strong as 20 self-consciously doing this together
Are you asking for permission? No, I'm giving a framework as to why I'm taking up the space.
I don't care how challenging it is, the alternative is even worse.
You succeeded and that's why you were fired.
Were you doing this with anyone?
Life’s calling - what makes me come alive?
Needs are not always met, they’re always alive
Being with the fullness of the needs without trying to contain it, with no attachment to it actually be met - Wanting fully without attachment
Mourning in my body: just MAKE SOUNDS, HOW DEEP OUR SUPPRESSION IS, I make sounds with them and for them, and invite others to do it with me
@Here I am with Sib, breaking trust again and again, failing all my promises, trying and trying to repair. Saying sorry again and again, trying to forgive myself and others for not being gods.
A reminder that it's not the room or the cushion, but all of us walking towards awake-ness 24/7.
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