Teaching NVC as a Path of Liberation (double entendre)
@Purpose: I'm struggling with bending over backwards for corporate clients who're not ready to change their culture/ agreements. I think I fall short, there's never enough time. I want to gain courage & skills to bring a different energy in the room, instead of falling into the grooves.
Come into the conversation by summarizing the person who just spoke. Hold on for a second, I want to see if I got this ... is what important to you ...?
Vesta - stretch into myself visible in terms of what I think I integrated & can give
Eddy - keep the flame of our community's expression of NVC
Alper - bring liberation lens
Emma - share about NVC from our application
Learn (for a few years to be confident enough) --> Teach
Learn - Integrate - Apply - Teach --> Potentiate what we learnt with what we experimented & came through it with life.
NVC, liberation, nonviolence & systemic lens
Marshall's vision for NVC (not yet codified)
- Share resources compassionately - I bang my head against this. I'm told I'm soft in negotiation.
- Your need maybe greater than mine. Why would I give you the equivalent when we in compassion for need?
- We are all here because early in our lives, somebody gave to us unilaterally.
- Life-serving system (based on needs)
- High human capacity to collaborate
- Synergic distribution of power: Ruth Benedict: Synergic cultures are cultures in which focusing on what my needs are and focusing on care for the whole are not at odds with each other. You don't need to be a saint for everyone's need to be met.
- In most of the world, when bank lends you money, the risks lie solely on you.
- Islamic money-lending practices distribute the risks among people borrowing
- Autonomy & interdependence in how humans function
Marshal's original intention https://youtu.be/rviyJefkv1A?si=buXNCqjxt5lXzc_p
Some people never speak. Some people speak. Often. It's not determined by where you are in the world, what kind of socialization you had, and all of those kinds of things. It's not determined by it, but there are statistical correlations. It is much more frequent for women, for example, to sit back and listen and self doubt. That's much more frequent for men to be the ones who step forward and feel at ease in participating.
=I want you to hold on to the question, because right now it will go away from the flow.
PATRIARCHY AS LOSS OF TRUST
- SCARCITY: loss of trust in life leading to accumulation, exchange, deserve
- Key narrative: There isn't enough for everyone
- Natural abundance, which is the the quality of life to abound, to regenerate that is completely in a loop of flow with taking only what you need, not more and not less. If you do that, it regenerates. When we stopped that, when we started taking more than we need, we lost the flow. (Not New-Age abundance)
- When we function in money, we lose the "enough" meter. We have a sensor for "enogh" for every real need. It's hard to us to recognize what is enough, "necessities".
- A guy wear a bunch of dollar bills to Time Square & invite people to take. 2 women well-dressed took a bunch of dollars. Homeless person take 2 dollars, then come back and give back 1 dollar and say "there's someone else who might need it". That person can find a sense of enough and from that find generosity.
- SEPARATION: lost of trust in each other leading to pervasive conflict & social divisions
- No one cares, and we can't comem together
- POWERLESSNESS: loss of trust in ourselves leading to submission/ rebellion
- I can't do anything to make life life work. (I'll just survive, I will suppress others if necessary)
- until about 5000 years ago, human beings lived in egalitarian matrilineal societies in which everybody flourish (example The Leopard Tale, “The Chalice & The Blade” by Rianne Eisner, Tyson Yunkaporta Sandtalk, Matriarchal Societies of the Past and the Rise of Patriarchy by Heidi Goettner-Abendroth) --> question everything we learnt in school
- Rachel Botsman - trust as a confident relationship with the unknow
- @how do I bring this tenderly? Check with the class if you still believe this? Not challenge them to change? It's very disheartening to see people not in their power. I want to breathe and find my grounding again and again.
A LOW-CAPACITY SPECIES
- Individually: we don't now how to respond to life in ways that work for everyone, crisis of imagination (Even when we know our needs, we're stuck)
- With others: operate at low trust, especially across differences (I will come up with narratives about why you do that)
- Collectively: we don't know how to solve our global challenges & realign with life
- Eg: if everyone vaccinates, if we don't vaccinate & do xyz, yet we don't come together
 |
| Marshall's View of Social Structure |
- Social institution: command, control, competition
- Education/ socialization: parents teach you to separate, because when you do nothing to numb/ distract myself, it hurts like hell. @Would this help me to be compassionate to myself?
- Or parent shame our needs, teach right/wrong to prepare me to fit into the rat race
- Human behavior: conform to society
- Theories of human nature: we're selfish
Marshall's project
- Social System: experiment with groups working for various social change
- Education & Socialization (early book Mutual Education - within public schools, with many students, you can create learning programs for each individual student based on behavioral objectives for that student and where the curriculum is tailored to support each student in their learning needs) https://hopeflowers.org/wp/founder/ Ibrahim Issa, Culture of Peace
- Human behavior: train people to share resources compassionately
- The Story: Songs & stories that deepen trust in humans
- Marshall tried to do peaceful school desegregation, but that wasn't his to do, so he turned to changing leaders' mindset
PERSONAL GROWTH --> PERSONAL LIBERATION
- =Can you feel the difference? I want to go into specifics
- Individual lens --> Collective & systemic
- put all cause & movements within the indiv
- contextualize
- Adaptation (to system as it is, psychology supports a well-adjusted indiv) --> Transformation (I'll recover myself then stand up to system)
- Support individual well-being --> Support collective feedback loops (we can all learn & restore possibilities)
- Professional approach (coach/ therapist/ trainer paid) --> Community & peer-based approach (we're all liberating each other all the time)
- Accept life as it is --> Question everything
- Doing well --> Untethering
- Focus on self --> Caring for the whole
- Healing --> Vision, life, possibility
=Instead of focusing on pleasing 200 people, I'll just focus on a few faces
Learning container (learning zone): do I/ the field has capacity to go into learning
- notice when I'm in my flow and in my strength (connected to intuition)
- really lean into it & expand my successes
- make it visible to others so they can choose to learn with me in those areas
- Are you open to hear what I learned, the little step that I took?
- celebrate and mourn the outcomes
- Did I check for consent? Held myself with empathy? Transparent about my why? Did I have a particular place that I hold on to? What can I learn from me?
- NOT USEFUL
- lose track of growth zone, go to red
- catch myself & stay in orange
- act on what I think others want without including my needs
- wait until I'm ready to share NVC
Grounding in our own liberation
- Integrate, apply
- Speak from within experience
Speak to others' experience
- Teach NVC as a strategy to support others' liberation (where're you in what I'm bringing to you?)
- Principle-based, empathic framing of what we offer
- How I teach OFNR differently based on application
- Teach people how to apply NVC outside of the workshop setting
- NVC as transformation (as distinguished from relief & healing)
I'm already orienting to this, empathy as I share, tailoring to people.
If I want to share about liberation, I need to frame the invitation that way. Have some questions in the application for people to self-select? Not just dump concepts/ frameworks on others
Not to edit myself when I'm sharing my vision
Can you embody one of these people and say something that you imagine they would say with feeling?
- Nobody cares
- I'm having a wild guess that you're saying this because this project of the theater, you feel so passionate about it, and you would so love it if many people in the community would pitch in and help that come to the fullness of its potential. Is that what you mean?
The whole world is against you. Everything is shit. Is there any place you want support to deal with what's happening?
You're from a totally different culture. I want us to discover together if NVC even works.
oh khang, the tenacious one is here :) hope ur hanging on! :) yeah, i hope you get your dose if you missed rttc due to work stress - did this nourish you today?
🥳 i'm delighted to hear that, thank you 🫶🏼 - i might forget your name, but nor tenacity!!!! :))))
S2 OFNR through lens of Choice, Togetherness, Flow
It's a characteristic of certain forms of knowledge that you cannot transfer it outside of yourself.
Liberation = undoing of effects & eliminating causes of all social oppression
- We mostly undo effects with NVC, to eliminate causes we need a larger no. of people oriented in a conscious way in a collective direction to change the systems.
NVC as a practice of nonviolence
- Liberate our words from patriarchal conditioning (If you change your language, it changes signals to our brain, anchor in material plane)
- Embrace courage to speak truth with love
- Seeing others' humanity regardless of their actions (do more work in transform enemy images)
- Appeal to others' humanity & moral values, placing ourselves naked, never forcing (so difficult)
- Aiming for solutions that work for everyone, including "enemies"
If you do have a question you want me to address, come back. I'm not attuning.
The no's are painful.
You're not sharing clearly the impact on you at a sufficiently clear & deep level that they can make contact with it.
You're making requests that are beyond the level at which you establish togetherness with them.
@I'm so wrapped up, protected, cannot be soft. I regret the most times I was in my hard shell to others. Oh how I want tenderness to be my shawl.
NVC & the systemic lens as
- relief: shift narratives
- motivation: liberation for all
- info: librate from deserve thinking
- realignment: reclaim interdependence
- subversion: transform power relations - I'm a fellow human being, not a professional
- healing: integrate either/or pairs
I tried to get a Japan group to talk & I cried. Your task is to help them find their wisdom, not to teach anything. If people can't read/write, they're society's thrown-aways. Ask them question and never give up on them. "Tell me a story, when sb made you feel good, what did you like about it?"
*Read Pedagogy of the Oppressed
When you have enough trust, as a human person to a human person, give them feedback about the systems they're perpetuating. @I'm expected to ... Too much thoughts, not enough needs. I'm sad. I'm afraid of upsetting, that's true. I want to stay. I'm in for the long game. Yet people around me don't let me care.
@I could share praise: You make me feel like a human being. I have been able to share I'm not connected, I don't know how to support you, help me to connect to you.
- rote learning --> meaning making
rules --> conscious choice
effort --> generative energy
extrinsic --> intrinsic motivation
CHOICE
O: free from narratives
F: touch into ourselves - my truth, not "should"
N: connect with life energy
Empathy: expand range of options
Self-empathy: settle into tenderness
(go through these 2 steps for sufficient grounding)
R: find our power
Practices in support of choice
- Difficult emotions: self-empathy to tolerate & even befrend
- Live in peace w unmet needs
- Take full responsibility: NVC rigor to see our agency in reation to Fn, N, action, life
- Ground in full willingness: connect w all our needs to release reaction
- Reclaim access to everyone's humanity
Wow thank you. This was such useful feedback. I now see that I am not sufficiently connected with what I've learned to be able to bring it to you with the life and excitement that live in me, and I brought it to you in a way that doesn't really touch you. I need to do some homework.
NVC process: Transform Patterns of Behavior accompanied weekly for 6 weeks
Consciously engaged imitations in:
- tracking basic things on material plane
- tracking relationally (checking in on a sick person)
- mobilizing in response to needs (e.g. don't clean if not in my flow)
Self-judgment as a way of meeting the gap
- Connect with needs met by the pattern (of walling up, never show my raw weakness, look good/smart/logical): safety, belonging in a professional community, not wanting to take up space to. be loved
- It made sense I didn't develop this capacity: I grew up in a house of showing off, I experienced a lot of shaming
- Connect with needs not met: honest, human connection
- Settling into tenderness
FROM CHOICE TO TOGETHERNESS
GROUND IN SELF-TRUST
- I will not give up on my needs
- Care for our capacity limits without separating. No longer code togethernes as giving up on myself.
RELEASE ATTACHMENT TO INDIVIDUAL AUTONOMY
- Knee-jerk, brittle autonomy
- Mourning the either/or of autonomy & interdep
FIND CHOICE WITHIN TOGETHERNESS
- Integrate all needs as deeper choice
- You need enough choice for togetherness & enough togetherness for choice
O: stand together, same starting point
F: soften the field, settle nervous system
N: activate care through speaking from needs
Empathy: find good will
Self-empathy: Open our hearts
R: Care for the whole
I'm seeing this and that people lost trust. Let's sit with that for a moment.
Practices for togetherness
- Dialogue: from OFNR to principles (e.g. release attachment to outcomes through grounding in needs, speak truth with care, make connection requests)
- FB & impact sharing: bring info for co-holding & learning, (self responsibility, fb as gift)
- Decision making: putting needs, impacts resources on the table
- Intimacy: focus on revealing, hearing, co-holding more vulnerable needs
FROM TOGETHERNESS TO FLOW
GROUND IN TRUST OF EACH OTHER
- Orient with generous narratives (not pathological
- Accept capacity limits as the truth
DISTRIBUTE THE STRETCH TO MOBILIZE
Honor everyone's dignity & choice
Stay in the world of info - who can do what, no comparison
MAINTAIN TOGETHERNES WITHIN FLOW
Function without effort
Co-tracking (guess & give it to me)
@Although the slides don't allow for real time human connection, I want to share that I'm receiving all the care contained in the conciseness 7 specificity of the slides. I'm not here to just take, I'm here to support the faci.
= Can you help me see how is this related to [teaching NVC]?
--> Make sure they're well received, their needs are cared for
We have an engineering problem, not a willingness problem
O: Ground in finitude. Relationship with finitude. "There aren't enough eggs for everyone --> You're assuming who want how many eggs, who are willing to stretch, within the word "enough" there's so many assuptions" --> 5 eggs, 8 people. Say to yourself, feel the feeling tone at the bodily level. Contraction is the experience of scacity. Curiosity, drawn towards life = this is what trust in life can be. Not about fairness, but about NOT KNOWING
F embrace uncertainty, we don't now, we don't need to know
N: reclaim reverence, life coursing through me
Empathy: restore generosity
Self-empathy: restore receptivity
R: expand creativity
Practices
- Restore our access to preference
- Requests as attempt to align preference (why not say which cup to prefer)
- Transform our relations to money
- align language (charge - I don't have willingness to receive less, compensation, value
- Disentangle relational needs from material needs
- Connect within the wider web of life
- Expand the range of beings of whom we make requests
- Learn about needs (ravens & freedom - ravens took off flying, I connected with that infinite freedom, which comes with accepting that at any moment they could die, us humans are attached to safety)
- Nonviolence as a deep practice for restoring flow
- Speak truth with love in response to scarcity, separation, powerlessness
How is it to hear that piece in relationship what you shared?
Did what I said that have impact on you?
My preference would be to have alignment before directing? This is what I would like to do, support people by naming time & distributing the time we speak. Would this be okay with you all for the time being? You can always intervene if you feel certain needs are not met.
I just want to thank you for sharing your preference to have alignment before taking the facilitation function, and for the suggestion to do a quick check with the group. It gives me such clarity about how can better enter groups.
=I want to express awe at the clarity with which she's speaking, the the simple heart. You shared our inner conflict with zero separation. I experienced you are with me.
Systemic lens: It's the move from the individual to the larger context within which your behavior makes statistical sense.
S3 Liberation Journey
1. we cannot take someone on a liberation journey that we haven't taken.
2. Calibrate while teaching, to support people in staying where it's possible for them (orange zone), and for us that felt important enough to say, without getting into the specifics, and how do you handle this or that, just the overall principle seems significant.
NVC isn't a set of skils, but a lifelong journey
skills are just helpful scaffolding for a profound journey of liberation and transformation that would realign us with life. When we're realigned we naturally use NVC.
LIBERATION MILESTONE
- Commit to lifelong journe
- Untwist the patriarchal field within us
- Map our movement
- Jurney to and through a ilestone
- From conscious effort to integration
- Point of no return - be on a self-correcting path
Teach from my struggles, Full self-acceptance of not being where I need to be
Don't teach [an audience e.g. teachers] where nenergetically you cannot align/ empathize with them
My plan is to suport u in wanting to learn more about NVC, give them something small & practical
Restore choice
- Function as an individual to function as an interdependent being
- When we embrace interdependence seriously, we persist in togetherness, in the midst of people who exit and social norms respect people who exit, then we're the ones who create conflict. (Exit agree to disagree, le't's end this conversation, it's not gonna go well)
- Thank you for saying this, because it jolts me into realizing that I wasn't even trying to understand you. I was trying to make a point, and I'd like to shift, and really listen to you. And here what you have to say, and see if that takes us to a different place.
- Example, instead of just changing an agreement unilaterally, engage in dialog with the other person to try to come up with a new agreement that will care for the needs that the original agreement was trying to care for and also for
- the new needs that arose
- From feelings to needs as a foundation of choice (angry = explode, overwhelmed = give up)
- Self-judgment to ongoing learning/ celebration*
- Liberation starts on three layers, very brief, what we show, what we hide, and the essential truth
- (the moment I accept my limitation, there's nothing to hide, the essential truth can filter through and guide all our actions)
- I mourn that I have this limitation, I choose not to change it, because I cannot change every limitation I have
- Submission/ rebellion to true choice
- Disempowerment to self-responsibility
- Right/wrong to need-based
- Was it said that it's wrong or was it how you filter the feedback
- Translate rules into the needs behind them
- On monastery & rules
- When we get overwhelemd, we fall into sepration, not from right/wrong thinking
- Demand to request (power with)
- Agree/disagree to mutual understanding
- Judging others to seeing everyone's humanity
- hold on to judgement as long as it serves you (it doesn't)
- I used to have a manipulative mother. I no longer have a manipulative mother. She hasn't changed.
- Getting what we want to dialogue aiming for everyone's wellbeing
- From punishment/reward & exchange to attending to needs
- What's the least costly way to attend to needs in this moment. And in this moment. And in this moment, together? Not "deserve"
- From liberation for some (good guys) to liberation for all
- People with less power won't voice their needs, less likely to request/ say no rto rquest
CONSCIOUS RE-CALIBRATION FOR THOSE WITH MORE POWER
- TEACH FROM THE ATUAL IMPACTS & WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT n this polarised field
- Shift from preference to deeper needs
- Integrate needs & even preferences of those with less power
- Orient towards minimizing impacts on those with less power (I want to do the work of imagining impacts & integrating, instead of expecting them to do the work)
- Open to hearing impacts
- Mobilize generosity with offering out "doing capacity"
- Mobilize curiosity towards the gifts & ideas of those with less power
- When in doubt, look for the dimensions along which you have more power and function from care for the whole
- Take our needs seriously , instead of making do
- Accept stretching, open to receive people unskewing
- Expose not minimize impacts on us
- Stretch to accept impacts on others within care for the whole
as a person with less power decides to speak despite their paternities of staying silent, is to accept the impact it can have in those with more power and also realise there may be an impact on the person with less power. Take up space, not just absorb impacts. Thank you so much. I struggled because I was very much in the "I'll absorb impact as a person with less power" groove and couldn't imagine actively choosing to do something that will have impacts for those with more power.
- Mobilize courage to offer our gifts/ ideas
- Honor capacity limits with taking on task
- =I don't know how to navigate that. Can you help reframe & link it to our purpose for this course?
What's the purpose? Awareness is a path, if I just want to raise awareness then it's about my political agenda. When I have the purpose, I can find the language.
Is there any part of what you're doing that comes from white guilt? It won't be helpful
If it's my purpose living in me with passion, I'll look for openings, instead of saying "here's what I want to prove/ teach". I want to find shared purpose, not just to teach.
It's easier when morality is on my side, hence I identify with less-power narratives.
- We need higher capacity to face out/ others limitations
- Disproportionate risk falls on those with less power
- More need for mourning
- Fairness to caring for needs within willingness & capacity
- Believe our interpretation to humility about limits of observing
- from opposition to vision
what are the places that you see in your journey that are kind of like blocked to access to your own inner flow and choice that can be a raw material for your sharing NVC journey
I don't understand Turkish but I'm not hearing vulnerability. Please find your voice and start again.
I struggle mightily with taking myself seriously, that my ideas & contribution matter. I have so much mourning around this.
APPLICAION: CAPACITY LENS & MATERNAL GIFTING
- LEAN ON collective capacity
- requests as a gift for the whole
- redundancy in response to emergent needs
- Adopt capacity lens
- restore trust by taking seriously our own & others' capacity limits (not reinterpret as not willing)
- synergize our strengths & compensate for each others' limitations
- Embrace maternal gifting: resources flow from where they exist to where they are needed with the lest unwanted impacts
- @You want to talk about finances, but you're not giving enough time
Micro-opening: Any time you make someone do something just because you have the power to punish them, you pay for it
It's not about fairness, it's about possible. If something is fair but not possible it will not happen.
Courage to say things that will be uncomofrtable for others
@I will do my best to bring publich any care for people from an opposite gender.
parents in particular will use the word collaboration to mean my child does what I want.
I have a recipe for you to have 100% guaranteed collaboration with your child - just do whatever the child wants.
cashier: "Why are you doing this to yourself? You're better than that!"
S3 Example of Vision & Experimentation
Expand options
- Access sense of possibility
- Strategie for reponding to challenging messages
- Tools/ ptins fr engaging in dialogue (our super power_
- Pathways for increasing compassion
- Social systems: Collective action to change how decisions are made
- Peripheral change: 1 decision (2 yrs to release sb from prison) vs Radical change the way system make decision
- Education/ socialization: mutual eucatin, compassionate parenting
- Human behavior: skills to share resources & collaborating
- The Story: Humans love to give when they're free
Capacity: empathy, honor our limits, access our needs, speak truth under difficult circumstances
CNVC: model of individual trainers doing workshop vs trainers coming together going to the UN advocating ...
In the midst of violence, we can offer mourning circles (Turkey earthquae)
Transform social institutions
- Vision: world that works for all, based on full interdependent living
- Just the question of "How can things be different?" is NVC
- We recreate the mainstream because we lack imagination, not bc we have to
- How we organize transportation? people sharing rides
- Experimentation:need-based institutions (e.g. observational fb not character assassination, integrative decision making, bridging power differences)
- Activism: support nonviolent activism for liberation (e.g. prevent burnout, orient to vision, humanize everyone, liberation for all)
- Rojava: autonomous region in northeastern Syria
- Zapatistas in Mexico
- https://www.collectivelyfree.org/nonviolent-communication-privileged/
You cannot help anyone you're separate from. The way you speak has separation built in
They don't want to be angry. They're habituated to anger as a source of energy, and is afraid that if they let go there won't be alternatives. --> Connect to the depth of their longing to find something other than what is happening in the world. The longing is so deep, the despair so huge that it leaves no room for vision.
Imagine: what if you actually won? what is the world you want to create? How you want to move towards that?
When you catch me in reactivity, you ask: What if everyone agrees with you, even the people that you are resisting, they all agree. What are we seeing? What is happening?
Transform education & socialization
- Vision: all ages collaboration
- Experimentation: Transform the way children are related to (e.g. full collaboration, minize use of force)
- NVC allergy: make sth look like a request when it's a demand; offer empathy with intention of getting them to change their mind (children sense these so quickly)
- Giving children options make parent happy, not child. What I want is to be in dialogue about what we want to happen.
- Parent support: self empathy, need fluency
- Mutual education: schools where everyone thrives (behavioral objectives, intrinsic motivation)
anything that we do out of guilt, has poison within it that will contaminate the result. Mourn to clean --> Clean motivation is access to need/ vision/ what's mine
For people who received male training, not male. Make the wailing sound. Any longing I can connect with, imagine what I want in 50 years.
=I don't want to go into it, I think it's more about your process & mourning what's in the world
Stuck = Roleplay what it feel like if you let this go. Consider seriously whether it's your to do
Transform human behavior
- Vision: retore capacity for choice, togetherness, flow
- Experimentation: embrace soft qualitie (celebration, generosity, humility, vulnerability) all the way through unto death
- Support others' liberation: peer/ community upport (perpective on human expe, tools for authentic human encounters)
Transform story
- V: need-based theries of human nature
- psychopathic - what're the social phenomenon
- Orientation: integrate theory & practice (assumptins & intentions of NVC)
- is the theory I have the one I want to have
- Critical engagement: alternatives to Western philosophy disdain for irrational (e.g. needs are satisfiable, feelings as source of info)
=So sweet to her. I want to plant some confidence. You have so much passion in you and won't settle for a normal life. It's hard & it's possible.
Wishes & blessings for what will happen in the next hour
You gave it to. me because of your way of going for what matters to you even when you're unsure
Sliding Scale: https://www.wortsandcunning.com/blog/sliding-scale
https://www.evolutionaryworkplace.com/gift-economy-sweet-spot
Enmeshment between needs & strategies, non-existence
Accompanied mourning of existential needs has the power to increase connection with the need & bring compassion to the distorted attempts to meet it.
Sustained external accompaniment that rigorously anchor clear access to needs
increasing full bodied awareness of needs and releasing that existential fear through mourning actually grows our permaculture brain of neural connections and seeds possibilities
for tangible confidence, increasing shifts in our default mode network.
Sociocracy: Do you have a paramount objection? --> if this is a uniform high threshold
Short, pithy signs: I'm pro-... and pro-...
Provide support (empathy, mediation, etc.) until people come and say they want to learn what I'm doing
@Hi Andreas,
Dạy học viên tự xử lý mâu thuẫn ko có hỗ trợ = khó nhất
Bắt đầu bằng thay đỏi bên trong, thông qua các câu hỏi thuần tuý về nhu cầu 2 bên (ko có quan sát, cảm xúc, nhu cầu) --> lần tới gặp họ bạn muốn làm gì?
10 Giả định = Nguyên lý tư duy
12 Ý định = Nguyên lý hành động
Không cần thay đổi thế giới quan, chỉ cần thử hành động khác đi một chút
Ứng dụng: chữa lành cá nhân = Hướng đi: tự thấu cảm, cảm nhận niềm vui trong hiện tại, self-empower - quyết đoán
Ứng dụng: tạo ra các tổ chức lấy nhu cầu làm nền tảng = Hướng đi: tạo ra thoả thuận để cảm nhận hiện tại (life in the moment), mọi người có mục đích
Chuẩn bị: Mình muốn tập trung vào nguyên lý, thực hành, và thay đổi tư duy nào?
1. Ngôn ngữ, tinh thần, thực hành NVC
2. Sống, ứng dụng vs dạy NVC
3. Tìm và tạo nguyên lý
4. Dạy theo nguyên lý
5. Dùng nguyên lý để thiết kế chương trình
6. Lý do dùng OFNR
7. Đóng vai
8. Mẫu MLW
1. Ngôn ngữ, tinh thần, thực hành NVC
Sống: phản hồi với sự chính trực & chân thật (nói thật lòng mình với sự quan tâm, và đề xuất, tránh thấu cảm)
Ứng dụng: dùng kỹ năng thấu cảm, khai vấn, hoà giải, điều phối
Dạy
SỐNG
Nên dùng câu hỏi đúng/sai để dễ hơn cho người nghe
- Tôi muốn bẻ nhỏ vấn đề để đảm bảo bạn hiểu đúng ý tôi. Có phần nào tôi nói mà bạn cảm tưởng là tôi đang chỉ trích bạn ko?
- Có phần nào bạn muốn tôi nói lại ko?
- Có phần nào tôi nói nãy giờ mà giúp bạn hiểu ý định của tôi hơn không?
- Có phần nào tôi nói mà bạn nghe không trôi không?
Nên dùng câu hỏi mà mình thật sự muốn nghe câu trả lời, chứ ko phải là gò họ vào định hướng của mình
Thay vì hỏi: Mẹ có tin là con quan tâm tới mẹ ko? Thì hỏi
- Nói nãy giờ có quá tải không?
- Ý định của tôi là hỗ trợ bạn, và tôi phát hiện nãy giờ nói nhiều rồi. Bạn thấy nãy giờ có hỗ trợ bạn miếng nào ko?
ỨNG DỤNG
Khi dùng kỹ năng, offer a skill, mình đang yêu cầu ai đó phải tiếp nhận/ chia sẻ
Nếu ko có đồng thuận thì là đòi hỏi
- Tôi thấy lo lắng/ căng thẳng. Tôi can thiệp chút được hông?
DẠY
- Sống Tôi nghe thấy bạn muốn ... Cảm ơn bạn vì nó giúp tôi cung cấp thông tin thiết thực hơn. Bạn có thoải mái để xem thử xem là bạn có thể giao tiếp khác đi như thế nào để thoát ra khỏi cái thế khó (dynamic) này ko?
- Ứng dụng: Có vẻ bạn thấy khó tin. Tôi có thể hỏi thêm vài câu để hiểu thêm về tình hình của bạn?
- Dạy: Bạn có muốn chúng ta nhìn vấn đề này từ nhu cầu của cả bạn & người kia?
2. Tìm & tạo nguyên lý
1. Nguyên lý tư duy: Càng X, càng Y
- Mọi mâu thuẫn đều ẩn chứa thông tin về cách làm việc chung tốt hơn.
- Càng thoải mái nói ko thì càng dễ nói có một cách chân thật.
- Nghe phản đối băn khoăn thì tăng khả năng quyết định được thực thi
- Gọi được tên NC người kia thì mình đỡ đau (bớt nghĩ họ ghét mình)
- Dù ít lựa chọn, mình vẫn có thể chủ động chọn cách phản hồi
- Hiểu NC của mình thì bớt chì chiết mình
- Nghe họ thì họ thích nghe mình
2. Nguyên lý hành động
- Chú ý tìm giải pháp tốt cho mọi người, bao gồm bạn
- Chỉ làm những thứ mình hoàn toàn tình nguyện làm mà ko ghi nợ
- Chú ý vào cái mình muốn và mình có thể làm gì, thay vì chú ý vào cái đang ko ok
- Nói có chủ đích
- Đảm bảo là họ làm cho mình vì họ muốn
- Chia sẻ NC để xây lòng tin
Đừng dùng lingo: Vd: Nếu ép/ át vía ai làm gì cho mình, thì sự thân thiện dành cho mình giảm. Mình đang ghi nợ.
Nêu rõ kết quả, ko chỉ tiến trình: đối thoại để có quyết định vững chắc (robust)
CHỈ DẠY KHI HỌ MUỐN HỌC.
nhiều khi khó quá họ chỉ cần được hiểu ko cần học
Sau hoạt động
- Cái gì đã hiệu quả?
- Học đươc gì?
- Trải nghiệm như nào, vui/khó?
- Có nhận ra / câu hỏi ko?
Đóng vai
1. Cứ trả lời và 2. Tóm tắt
1. Tự vệ và 2. Mong manh
- Thể hiện sự tò mò về trải nghiệm của người kia
- Chân thành & quan tâm
- Thể hiện rằng mình muốn tìm giải pháp cho cả hai
Mô tả trải nghiệm: Bạn có cảm nhận được ý định đó không? Điều gì (câu nói, giọng nói, cơ thể, ...) khiến bạn không cảm nhận được?
Mời người kia thử lại. Có thể cần làm việc nội tâm nhưng ko chú ý vào đây.
- Vấn đề của họ là gì?
- Nhu cầu?
- Họ muốn học gì?
- Nguyên lý NVC nào phù hợp cho mục tiêu học tập đó?
- Lời nói thấu cảm cho vấn đề của họ?
- Hoạt động để tích hợp nguyên lý đó?
Các nguyên lý
- Quan tâm tới tập thể: chuyện đang xảy ra hữu ích cho một số, chán/ căng thẳng cho số còn lại
- Lựa chọn: Bạn chọn tham gia hay ko trong buổi học/ thảo luận
- Đánh giá: Dừng lại và ghi nhận đánh giá mình đang có về ai đó/ ĐPV
Bài tập sau chương trình:
- Dừng lại kết nối CX NC
- Nhìn lại mâu thuẫn và liệt kê NC
- Nhìn lại hành động mình ko thích & liệt kê nhu cầu
- Viết xuống đánh giá, tìm về NC
CX:
- Kết nối với CX để giải toả căng thẳng và độ phản ứng/ đụng vô là nổ
- Kết nối với CX để hiểu đúng/ kết nối với NC
ĐX: Góp phần định hướng chuyện sắp xảy ra
- Khó tin là mình quan trọng/ có chỗ đứng/ matter khi người kia nói không với sự tồn tại của mình, chứ ko chỉ nói không với chiến lược
- Cần ghi nhận NC của mình là chính đáng
Thấu cảm cho người kia
- Giúp họ rõ ràng hơn, để chúng ta cùng đi đến mục tiêu chung
- Người được lắng nghe sẽ dễ nghe người khác hơn
- Điều chỉnh mức độ hiện diện thấu cảm cho phù hợp
- Hiện diện thấu cảm: nền tảng của việc ở cùng/ making contact với người kia, chứng kiến họ
- Hiểu: có một số lý giải cho trải nghiệm của họ
- Ghi nhận thấu cảm: dùng từ ngữ để diễn tả cái mình hiểu về họ, tập trung vào trải nghiệm của họ
- Bày tỏ mình: dùng từ ngữ để diễn tả cái mình cảm nhận khi nghe họ, có thể họ dễ tiếp nhận hơn
- Hành động thấu cảm: chăm sóc cho nhu cầu của họ
@Chuyển hoá tư duy:
Mục đích của mình
- Pepsi: có guidelines cho mọi người (deadline sớm)
- FPT: nâng cấp training của mình cho biz
Mình thay đổi gì từ khi học NVC
- Mình lên tiếng cho bản thân nhiều hơn. Mình dám nói với hàng xóm là chú ơi đừng hát nữa.
- Mình thật sự đề xuất rõ ràng, cụ thể hơn, và nói rõ NC của mình
- Ngày xưa mình hay tự xao lãng, hoặc chì chiết bản thân, bây giờ thì mình thấu cảm cho mình hơn. Đặc biệt là khi mình đi chia sẻ thì mình nhớ làm chuyện đó hơn.
- Mình lắng nghe mẹ mình tốt hơn. Tuy vẫn phản ứng, vẫn bật lại, nhưng giờ mình có thêm công cụ là khi im lặng thì mình thử đoán nhu cầu của mẹ.
- Mình giận ngắn hơn? Mình nói về cơn giận với chị mình, giải thích tại sao mình giận. Mình dùng 4 chiếc ghế để xả giận, để xử lý cơn giận. Cái này mình làm thường xuyên.
Hà:
1. Nhận thức về nhu cầu: Dù mình làm gì đều để serve life, chỉ là có những lúc không effective. Bao dung cho mình và người khác, release judgment. Bằng lòng với lựa chọn. Ko phải là tổ chức bắt, trót nhận lời. Muốn thử, fail hoặc không. Connect với động lực & nguồn lực bên trong.
2. Nhìn nhu cầu của tổng thể lớn hơn. --> Kim chỉ nam để đi qua lúc chật vật
3. Ra đề xuất, sáng tạo là năng lực on off.
Đi xuyên qua nó là khi thay đổi diễn ra.
Khi mình đến với họ với imperfection, người kia cho lại mình raw material và hiểu họ hơn.
Mẹ chị thông cảm cho chị, ko nghĩ chị ko thương mẹ.
Mình có nhiều nỗi sợ, nỗi lo lắng, tự ti, mình không đủ, không đủ firm, ko đủ sharp, ko đủ tinh tế, mình quá non, v.v., mình chưa sẵn sàng nhận trách nhiệm này, mình chưa hình dung mình sẽ nhận nó, sẽ gánh nó trên vai,
I'll be here for the next 3 years. Wow. This is so new.
Một lần nào đó mình đã bày tỏ/ đề xuất, và được đón nhận?
- Siobhan
- Kiên
- Hàng xóm
- Sister
- Dad
- Removing layers
- Speak up in DLF - that is not okay
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