The inner voice constantly talking, commenting
The most violence is in how we speak to ourselves
If any of you would be speaking to me te way that I am speaking to myself, you would not be my friend…Constantly behind my back there is a voice speaking jackal language to me
All voices are trying to care for the system. All actions are trying to care for life, although in tragic ways.
I stopped trying to heal my inner child. I just wanted to slowly change the way I speak to myself, because I re-traumatize myself daily.
Demo translation of inner messages
3 territories I want to invite, each has different entry point
- Guilt: torn-ness between 2 parts of myself --> concrete observation. Guilt is a moment when 2 parts of myself fighting. -- Door = Specific Observation, invite 2 voices
- Decision -- Door = Reframe the decision into "YES" or "NO", these are the 2 voices
- Self-judgment: not good enough -- Door = Name the part that is judging, the part that is being judged
1) Let voices speak freely (any language) Not to be spiritual, hard to connect.
2) Slowly hear the Needs of each Caress the voices
+ Invite to reformulate each other- to be touched by one another.
- Specific observation --> Do you have any specific example of something you did and feel guilty about? Can you name 1 memory maybe from last week, what you said/ do?
- I could not have enough observation --> NOT is a judgment, not observation. An observation is what "is" not what is not
- What did I do that my inner jackal said this? = I was collapsing myself, I was triggered myself.
- Is it okay for you to work with this example?
- Guilt is the moment of fight between 2 parts
- The chooser: I chose to scream.
- The judge/ educator: I judged myself for screaming
- Pick 2 chairs for these 2 parts of you. It's helpful to stand up and change seats. Usually inside my head it goes too fast, it cannot express itself.
- I want you to welcome the blank. It's really sad for you ... You so want to ... It breaks your heart. It's a killer. It's so hard, and heartbreaking, when we are not contributing to... What is happening in your body at this moment when you hear that?
- I so want compassion to parents for the complexity of what they're doing, not any advice on what they should do
- Dear Educator, would you enjoy if your Chooser would reflect what she heard that's so dear to you?
- Dear Chooser, I would like to hear you. But just before that I would like to hear what you heard Educator hold dear to her heart. (reformulate the needs of the educator: "dear educator is it that you really long for....?")
- So you're afraid that you're not doing it well. Would it help you if I said what I heard? FUCK NVC. Just enjoy the way it comes to you.
- Check back with Educator: Did Chooser hear you well? Are you available to hear what's up for Chooser?
- Dear Chooser, I understand you screamed! What are the reasons?
- It's piercing your heart. Really painful? --> I want to be treated right. I want to be respected. I'm a human being, a mom is not a slave.
00:01:20 - 10mins break for BOR arranging
- Reframe the decision into "YES" or "NO", these are the 2 voices
Specific memory:
- I spent $4000 in that place. I stopped calling her. I tried to explain over the phone that I'm doing this and I cannot listen to her.
***Practise: One person brings a situation of guilt, (something I did or said that I feel guilty about) The other people in the room mediate between the two voices, the voice of the educator (who judges) and the voice of the chooser (the part that chose to act in the way that the educator judges). Start with a clear observation, what is that the chooser did? This helps with the clarity in the process.
Mediating between voices: invite the voices. Which voice wants to speak first? Let the voices speak freely, in uncensored language. Empathize with one voice. When landing on the need, invite the person to shift chairs to reformulate what this part really longs for “Is it that you really want/long for/need…?) Then, invite the person to shift back to receive this reformulation, how does it land?) Then shift to the other part and empathize with this voice and invite a reformulation.***
***Another choice to work with: torn-ness about a decision to make. First, state the decision in a way so you can say yes or no to it. (not: “ do i want to go to Africa or stay home?” But instead: “Do I want to go to Africa?”) The other people in the room mediate between the voices of yes and no.***
I sense this anger in me, why is she so privileged to be asking these stupid questions about what to do with her life, while others are struggling to make ends meet? I want to so much care for others as well.
TRAINING SKILLS
- I might still continue fucking it up during this call (pronounce name wrongly)
- As a mediator, I just funnel which voice goes where, caress each voice, come closer let me hear the beautiful need. tilting towards speaking to myself compassionately. My jackal nerves have been here in 8000 years. I'm not expecting myself to be a giraffe in this lifetime. Just to put myself in the tilting. I'm not attached to any specific outcomes.
- Empathy is meet people where they're, don't push them. Not too deep too soon. Classical NVC is my very clear consciousness.
- The biggest learning happens by absorption. You drink this quality in the room. Different from learning in steps.
- To just be with the person, by their side, not in front, not behind.
- Play in the water. Fuck it up as much as you want. And hold each other with care.
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