Yoram Mosenzon - Polarization

 https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.instantconnection

David@NVCGeneva.ch, poganyaniko@gmail.com

***How to stay together in challenging, painful dialogues***

***explore in break out, 3 min per person (4 people) : what is your relationship with open relationships and what are the challenges and pains in relation to that***

Moment when their need is a threat to my need. The illusion of conflicting needs.

- I need safety and she needs freedom.

- I need stability and she needs spontaneity.

How can I be touched by the needs of my partner

The gap: He likes spontaneity vs He will not be there for me. (what's my image, thought)

He likes stability vs I will have to stay with him.

See the pure needs. 

Meet in that place where there is no image of me.

Every need is a strategy to meet another needs.

Stability - Safety, Connection

When I panic, irritated, it means I don't understand them yet.

Before anything, I want to be touched. Feel in this heart I want this for you, this honey.

When you relax deeply into trust, how is it for you there?

I can let myself experience joy.

It's so delicious to be with him.

He's freaking out with everything I do. 

Feel in my heart “Oh sweetheart I want that for you.” I want you to feel safe.

What's happening in your body when you hear that. 

In any conflict, we’re feeling very alone. Someone else is holding my needs with me. He wants to take it seriously. 

Clarity: I'm not saying I agree with his strategy. I don't yet know now but I find his need so delicious.

I'm attached to meeting needs. I'm not necessarily to meeting needs together.

I would push myself and I would start to hate you. I want to love you, I don't want to see you as my prison.

I want to protect my body. I want to protect love. Love to be sustainable.

See my need as beautiful, not as a burden, not as a threat.

When people hold their needs alone, they need to fight, in tragic ways.

Express --> Understanding, Connection, 

Territory of Consciousness. I'm attaching my need to you! Then the person feel pressure and have to protect himself.

Conflict parts holding those needs within me. When I think I can get needs met by another person, other needs which are being  met by her are threatened.

Building connection takes time and I have limited time.

Some needs will not be met before I die.

Continuation of relationship and the build up - change direction takes so much energy and time and you would love to continue

I realized I was trying to convince you, but I don't want that quality of connection, it's painful for me.

So I want to go back and meet you where you are.

My mother is a strategy. It's so important.

*** even a strategy that is not replaceable, is a strategy ***

I don't want you to touch someone else, because I saved myself up for you.

Why am I freaking out so deeply when I hear this.

20-min BREAKOUT: movement - she's a threat TO i'm being touched.

1. Take what seem to be conflicting needs
2. See how can we be touched by the needs, not see it as a danger, but I want to take it seriously. If the pure need is not met, there's no way for us to be together. Your need is part of my wellbeing. See the pure needs not the strategies I imagine you're going to put in place.

I freak out. I cannot connect with myself if she wants to connect with me.

You need what's going on in me.

The fact that I don't know what's going on in me freaks me out.

You really want to land on the ground, to know what's going on. 

Go down the layer until I'm touched.

Anh đi cùng em được không? Không, em muốn đi một mình. Con đường sẽ quá vất vả cho anh.

Why can't I be a part of your life?

Anh muốn kết nối với em. Cuộc sống này có ý nghĩa, chúng ta đỡ đần cho nhau.

Em muốn an toàn, em không muốn phụ thuộc để rồi thất vọng.

Mourning of my favorite strategy. Mourning is the move from being attached to one strategy to connecting to a need that's much bigger than one specific person.

I met someone else and I'm just as nourished

"Baby needs"

 I would never wish for any human being to cry alone.

The last thing you want is to put pressure on me. 

You're lost because you want to feel safe in this relationship. When you don't know what's going on in me you're lost. 

You wanna shake me. You want me to know how deeply you accept me.

I feel touched that you so want this.

I also feel guilt I'm not doing well enough. 

I have no clue how to be with pain. I'm absolutely scared to speak out. All my alarms are telling me to don't do that. 

This is why I liked you from the start because there's a possibility to be safe

But some moments I shared and you got pain, and I got lost

I wish I have such ears so that I don't hear your pain as if I caused it. The guilt is killing me. I don't know to enjoy your pain without taking responsibility for it.

I"m 100% responsible for this relationship and I'm sick of this fairness game.

It'll be so amazing if sometimes I can just hear you and stay with you in your sharing.

Thank you so much Shelly. Your questions, how do I keep this alive, do I leave this person too, they went straight into my heart. Thank you.

I like to officially to round it up.

I imagine that there's pain, being ready to share and then it's not.