Ý thức về đề xuất và đưa ra đề xuất: Sẵn sàng đưa ra đề xuất cho những gì mình cần, cởi mở với mọi phản hồi; không bám chấp với bất kỳ kết quả cụ thể nào
- Đòi hỏi/ buộc người khác làm điều mình muốn hoặc không sẵn sàng/không dám đề xuất cho điều mình muốn.
- Nhận thức được rằng: việc bám chấp vào một chiến lược cụ thể, đòi hỏi, hoặc không dám đề xuất cho thứ mình cần,.. sẽ khiến cho ta ít có khả năng chăm sóc nhu cầu của mình.
- Sẵn sàng đề xuất và có thể đưa ra các đề xuất cụ thể. Khi nhận diện được sự bám chấp với một chiến lược cụ thể, có cố gắng chuyển từ sự tự giới hạn sang cởi mở và đồng sáng tạo giải pháp.
- Sẵn sàng đề xuất những thứ mình cần; có sự hiện diện, sáng tạo và lòng trắc ẩn cho đối phương, ngay cả khi câu trả lời là "không".
Request consciousness & making requests: Willingness to ask for what one wants, with openness to any response; not attached to any particular outcome.
- UNSKILLED: Demands what one wants or is unwilling/unable to ask for what one wants.
- AWAKENING: Becoming aware of how attachment, making demands, and failing to ask for what we want, are less likely to address needs.
- CAPABLE: Generally willing and able to make specific requests, and when noticing attachment to a specific strategy, strives to move from constriction to openness and creativity.
- INTEGRATED: Willingness to ask for what one wants; has presence, creativity and compassion, even when the response is "no".
Thực tập bày tỏ chân thực và thấu cảm trong im lặng.
"If you come into the room fairly recently, within the last 5-7 minutes, ..." NOT "If you came in late"
Last night I finally could empathize with my neighbors singing karaoke loudly. I realize that during those singing hours, they're living their fullest love and passion through those songs. I finally could hear the beauty and not just the 'noise' and my annoyance.
We don't say that there's a right and wrong answers to these skills, there are 7 billion people on the planet.
Why request? Great question, I encourage you to live into that question.
A request is a gift we're offering. NOT me asking you something.
I'm making life more wonderful, giving them the opportunity to fulfill the beautiful human need of contribution.
The whole concept of responding with yes or no is about living in integrity with yourself.
The words and the energy of the words are different.
With NVC we can check out: "I hear you're willing to do this and I'm grateful, but when I see your body language, I'm scared that you're giving me a gift that you're not ready to give, can I slow us down and check?"
This seems counterintuitive, but we're practicing "receiving requests" first.
- Nghĩ về ai đó đòi hỏi bạn làm gì.
- Viết xuống lời đòi hỏi dưới dạng: "Tôi phải _________."
- Viết tiếp điều mà bạn sợ xảy ra, "nếu không thì".
- Bạn cảm thấy gì khi nói điều này với bản thân?
- Gạch bỏ chữ "Tôi phải____" và ghi lại "Tôi có thể lựa chọn___"
- Gạch bỏ chữ "nếu không thì" và thay bằng "bởi vì ____ là quan trọng với tôi"
- My mom asked me to drink vitamin C.
- I have to drink vitamin C as per my mom's demand.
- Or else my mom would be mad at me. She would say I'm stubborn, I don't obey, why don't I listen? I'm a backward, idealistic person. My mom would never listen to me. My sister would say I'm so selfish, I don't understand how important it is for mom, I learn so much about empathy and all I do is thinking for myself.
- Sinking stomach. Tight chest, scared, tired, shut down, exasperated, resigned, angry.
- I can choose to drink Amway's vitamin C
- because experimentation/ truth/ reality is important to me. Because I want to let mom know I care about my health and her inner peace, too.
- BUT my autonomy is important to me too! If I do it, and she is right, she will never let me rest. I will be irritated, she'd be goating in front of me, "Now you won't think you're so right any more, huh". I want respect, and I want space for me to come to my own answers, I want to be seen for who I am, I want to matter, I want equality and be treated like an adult not a child. I want to think for myself. I'm sick of my family telling what is right and wrong to do because they want to PROTECT me, without hearing my deepest most noble thoughts without putting THEIR lens on it. They're always think they're older and better than me. I really want you to listen to me, to trust me. Are you willing to let me buy one box, and not talk about it? Can you tell me that ... (I can't think of a specific, in the moment request)
- It's me giving my autonomy away. She has to do something for me to feel I have autonomy. This is false.
- Thinking from her perspective, she feels frustrated and scared. Very scared for my health, because if I fall sick, all burden will fall on her. She really wants health and security.
- From the needs of both, I see that I can request her to listen to me sharing about my efforts to upkeep my health. Maybe no need to ask her to repeat or concede anything, just listen to me finish, and ask can she see my efforts?
When we hear a demand, we think we only have 2 choices: submission or rebellion.
Submission & reward loop, or rebellion and punishment loop, feeding into prison.
Third choice: Surrender to needs, not to the other person, not to circumstances. We stay needs-focused and stay in transformative dialogue, until we find a way where nobody gives anything up.
When a request isn't fulfilled and punishment is a consequence, then it becomes a demand. When you have giraffe's ears on, you cannot hear a demand. There's a "please, I'm begging, I have a need, ..." though there's no nice words.
Are we willing to hear a no? - Perfect test for ourselves.
Translate into feelings --> Help us to normalize the intensity of their voice, body language.
Meet people where they're are, they may hear your guesses as diagnoses/ manipulation/ shaming
1. Remember or imagine a time when you think someone made a demand of you
2. Right down the perceived demand: “I have to _________________.”
3. At the end of the sentence, write, "or else __________." Fill in the blank with what you are afraid would happen if you did not comply.
4. Notice how your body feels as you say the sentence to yourself. Note any physical sensations or emotions you are aware of. (Learn to enjoy and allow painful sensations once we know what they're about.)
5. Cross out "Have to" and write “I can choose to” in front of the statement
6. Now complete each sentence above with “because _________ is important to me.”
7. Notice how your body feels.
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| Nguồn: Khóa Giao tiếp trắc ẩn 101 - Thấu tình Đạt ý, Nguyễn Trương Bảo Khuyên, Nguyễn Vân Trang, Nguyễn Hoàng Minh Khang. Thiết kế: Anh Thư. (2021) |
Distinction between wishes & requests
- Concrete, specific
- Stated in the positive
- Present Moment
Distinction between demands & requests
- Connected to needs
- Open to outcome
Distinction between agreements & requests
- Request: in the moment, let's us write an agreement now
- Agreement: From now on...
Summary
1. Framed in a positive way (“Would you be willing to sit down?” instead of “Can you stop running around?”)
2. Specific & doable (Specific: “Can we try this check-in meeting, and how about next Tuesday at 5pm in our living room?” instead of “Can we try this regular check-in thing?”)
3. Anchored in the Present Moment. Focus on ‘What is going on for you right now?’. (Instead of “Would you do the dishes tonight?”, we ask “What are your thoughts right now regarding doing the dishes tonight?)
4. Find my own need(s) behind my request. Differentiate between my needs and my preferred strategy that I’m requesting. (“Can you listen to me for 5 minutes now?” instead of “Can you love me more?”)
5. Being willing to hear “No”. Open to outcome. Find the needs behind the “No”. (For example, instead of saying “Oh you don’t care about me anymore” when I hear a “No”, I can try to guess “So you really need some rest right now?”
Boundaries are more like proposals, quite related to requests.
Does NVC look down on demand? It's about the quality of your relationship. How are you impacted if you said a demand and people refuse? Nothing wrong with wishes & demands, but they're not likely to get your needs met. Are you setting yourself up to be angry?
Rejection Therapy - Ask for things we expect a NO, and then receive the "no" and say "thank you". If we hear yes, use NVC to check whether it's a real yes.
Oh hell only works if everyone plays by the same rule. If someone breaks the rule, we remind of the broken rule but not punish.
She uses force out of protection of herself and others, not punish.
If you cheat, you're removed from the game. Not punishment, just the consequences of the agreement you agreed to.
We hereby agree to try our best to follow Marshall Rosenberg's spirit as captured in the below request card:
Please do as I requested, only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please do not do as I request if there is any taint of fear of punishment if you don't. Please do not do as I request to buy my love, that, is hoping that I will love you more if you do. Please do not do as I request if you will feel guilty if you don't. Please do not do as I request if you will feel shameful. And certainly do not do as I request out of any sense of duty or obligation.
Câu hỏi: Làm gì khi không biết nhu cầu của mình là gì?
- Hươu vào - tự thấu cảm.
- Thực tập nói là mình thấy mình không sẵn sàng lắm nhưng mình chưa biết rõ vì sao
Không thể nói không:
- Giữ hòa khí & sự tự chủ
Bài tập Đề xuất
Đề xuất cụ thể về hành động (Ai, làm gì, khi nào, bao lâu, ở đâu,...)
Tối thiểu 5 đề xuất khác nhau cho mỗi nhu cầu
Nhu cầu chân thật
- Có thể làm rõ mình đang làm cho ai? Vì tôi không quan tâm executives
- Có thể có thêm người cùng làm? Vì tôi chật vật
- Có thể có lương? Vì tôi bất an
Nhu cầu hiện diện
- Xin đi thiền
- Dành ít nhất 7 tiếng/ tuần
- Từ chối các công việc không cần thiết
Nhu cầu an toàn tài chính
- Trở thành nhân viên có lương hằng tháng
- Mua bảo hiểm xã hội
- Mua bảo hiểm sức khỏe
- Đầu tư sản phẩm thu nhập thụ động (khóa học, sách, tài khoản tiết kiệm)
Câu hỏi: Có phải sửa lại đề xuất thì cả hai đều bớt vui, đều thỏa hiệp?
Chúng ta check người kia có thật sự vui không?
Cuộc nói chuyện là cách hiểu nhau, có khi tới cuối cùng đề xuất không quan trọng, có khi em say no vì trước giờ em không
Có những cách khác để đáp ứng nhu cầu của tôi. Hai bên đồng ý là chúng ta không phải là cách tốt để đáp ứng nhu cầu của nhau. Chúng ta không thuộc về nhau *trong lần này
Parent Effectiveness Training (Thomas Gordon and Marshall both worked with Carl Rogers) - Distinction between punishment & consequences.
Every thing we do will have consequences, and we will interpret them as positive or negative depending on our states of our needs.
Telugu - 13 million people in South India spoke. veerahrguru@gmail.com (918008277617)
Request - Kylie Asian Pod
- Think from the other person's perspective
- Skill 1: accompany with feelings & needs --> create empathetic connection
- Skill 2: am I really open to outcome? Can I hear a yes behind a no?
- Skill 3: do you foresee guilt? if they feel guilt will you be able to provide empathy? Can I hear a no behind a yes?
- If I foresee they will feel guilt, I'll choose not to make the request and suffer my disappointments in silence.
Giraffe Fight - Miki Kashtan - micro-expression
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