Transforming Judgements - RTTC

Transforming Judgements - Arnina - 30th Apr 

20-sec smile: release endorphin
What touches you, repeating patterns, you want to change but don't yet know how

5 Awakening Questions

1. What world do I want to live in (when ____ happens and I want something different)?
2. Who do I want to be in this world?
3. What is important for me in this relationship?
4. What would I like to have happen in this conversation (with that person)?
5. How am I going to prepare myself for that conversation?

Compassion in humans, is like water in nature. If you give it enough time, it will melt everything. 

=I always look for phenomena. What phenomenon that you're watching here? What is that you see that we can all learn from? I can track 2 things:

1. When things were happening, I didn't notice. But unconscious patterns will be there forever. 
2. The moment before it happens, that I noticed discomfort in my body. --> What was it that you can see that will that might repeat next time? How would you like to handle this differently?
3. What was it that you were telling yourself, even unconsciously, because that's what shapes your response?

=DO YOU NEED THAT MONEY FROM HER?

1. What is the topic? Are you not comfortable raising the topic of payment with her? (Part of me wants to treat for free.)
2. Then why not do that? (I need to pay bills)
3. Do you need that money from her? (No)
4. If getting the money from that person wasn't the most important part of the struggle then release the struggle, and don't take the struggle, don't force yourself to ask for money from her.

WHY? Why is it painful? Where is it painful?

=To make a change, I need a big WHY. Esp when the pattern in intergenerational: judging.

Why do you think we judge? This is a HUGE phenomenon.

@Because the people in power want to maintain order.

(Judgement as shortcut, not having to feel, and as making other responsible for fulfilling my needs.)

3 powers that hold us back into the pattern even when we want to change

1. Brain: reptilian brain hasn't changed for thousands year, distinguish safe-unsafe
2. Society: right-wrong thinking keeps patriarchy in place, we learned the moment we got birthed to quickly apply the thinking to the needs & feelings that arise
3. Family: our bodies know that we depend on adults, so we adopt to their game

Triangle of security & Triangle of freedom:

www.nonduale-psychotherapie.de/

At age of 3, Miki distanced herself from her parents, saying I will not get I need from them.

When we judge (e.g. speaking in plural instead of first person), we're using force and that gives the illusion of power & control.

We believe that using force is the only way to make change. IF WE JUDGE OTHERS ENOUGH, THEY'LL CHANGE. IF WE JUDGE MYSELF ENOUGH, I'LL CHANGE.

How can I use this force from within to work with what is happening, not CUT IT?

=So what is the dilemma?

=What is the unspoken conversation? What are the needs/ longings hiding within your judgments?

@M, A & I: Only myself and M, A is outside. I judge her as being too worrisome.

=You can have the softness & beauty of the needs within you, but outside, speak the language she's used to, else you're imposing violence & right thinking on her.

Practice 1: Transform judgment

Purpose: open your heart, not to be nice, etc.

1. Pick a judgment you have with someone that you want to change the pattern.
2. What is it that I do want?
3. If I get what I want, what longing would be fulfilled? What in my body would feel? (If I haven't breathed in the beauty and softness, if I haven't separated the person from the needs.)
4. Give yourself pleasure of feelings, sensing the feelings of the world.
5. If possible, imagine being in the body of the other person. Can literally put your feet into their shoes. What is their highest aspiration?

1. S is angry, childish, cannot control their emotions & impulses, spewing her anger everywhere, selfish.
2. I want her to be calm, collected, controlled. I want her to stop framing X as the bad guy, X needs to change. I want myself to be that way, not getting scared, upset.
3. I can breathe. Have a calm conversation. Safe, tender, connected, can go deep places instead of battling the storm.

1) The Judgement itself = what I do not want

(He does not listen to me = I do not want him to not listen to me)

2) Verbal inversion = what do I want? (I want him to listen to me)

3) “Cleaning” the need (without strategies - person or specific action) = (what might happen to me, how might I feel if #2 happened)

(Listening, to be listened)

4) Deepening the Need = And if X happens (being listened) - then what will happen to me? (I'll be seen, I'll know what I matter... I’ll trust myself... I’ll trust Life...)

=It's much much much deeper than ease.

=The more judgment we bring in, the more connection we have to our heart. Judge at your best. If you can't find the needs, judge more. Bring in more judgment.

=When you want her to change for her good, I trust that you have that intention entirely.

=Of course you'll judge yourself too, two for the same price.

3 major needs of parents: protection, contribution, peace of mind.

I want her to change, because she's the proof that I'm a good mother or not. 

What do you think her greatest aspiration is, what she wants from her mom?

- Don't go so far to "unconditional love". (Okay, just acceptance.)

Your body knows better than your mind. Don't go even a step further than what is really okay for your body.

I was very touched when you said you long to be a part of the human family, dear Anne.

I'm a good human being that people want to spend time with and trust and care for. An appreciated part of human family.

I discovered the longing to be a part of the human family, to be seen as a good human being that people want to spend time with and trust and care for, even with the ugly-ful parts of myself.

=Do you want a world where people hid parts of themselves?

Difference between having punishing thoughts & mourning not doing them, VS actually doing them. We do these practices so we don't have to act out in violence.

I don't just resign, I actively choose to ACCEPT.

@Dear Marcela, I'm so glad you're here today. :) I'm back early from my retreat, thanks to a conversation and new agreement with my mom. I want to thank you so much for being there with me 3 weeks ago. Your suggestion about telling her what she means to me first, before going to solutions, was SO helpful. We uncovered layers we've never spoken about. I spent time in the monastery sending thanks to you many times. I couldn't have gone this far without you being there with me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. // Oh beautiful Khang— to read your words— get a glimpse of your heart and the way you hold loving relationship as you orient to holding both your needs and of your mother, is soooooooo nurturing/nourishing to me.  I too have been thinking much about you. THANK YOU, thank you, for your willingness to share vulnerability and courage. And you were in my heart as I navigated my own reaction to my mother and my daughter- living in relationship to myself and the women I love. Would love to hear more of the how experiences continue to integrate into your system, and even insight that may have arisen form your retreat.