Polarization - 19 Mar
Someone posted polarizing content
- Sought support
- Maybe coaching?
- I was torn between speaking up -- people go look for it, more got impact (this is a pattern) and not say anything.
- After more talking, I posted a second message.
=Not at level of content, but ONLY at the level that I thought about it in terms of leadership, how I mobilize for it
=Those who will be upset because of the content, you can use this resource
=Desiree will hold me & support me, because I'm a human being, I'll do it step by step
=Pause me if you have clarifying questions about my leadership reflection & process of discernment. I will not engage with the content.
Most of us don't have capacity. I only have capacity to will the capacity to try.
Truth of WWII.
War in Ukraine. Not really a war.
=I'm going to pause because I'm noodling (mumbling) this.
Classic internalized anti-semitism: If you bring it up it will happen the more. I'm now going to be targeted
=I'm doing it as an act of service, my fears and insecurity are in service.
=If you have true appreciation, it will settle me if you use the emoticons.
Jews are trying to rule the world.
1. Nothing light about it's just words. It's words that echo.
2. It'll have impact on others.
Inherently fundamentally disobedient person. I obey my intuition. It got stronger as I follow it.
Coyote trickster energy: somebody does this, and expects you to retaliate. Then they can do something else. -->
- I'm not saying she's acting as that, I'm saying that's it's the energy I bring into this. Invite everyone with an energy that's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from you, so long as you have capacity to do it.
- Coyote: mischief not malicious
Nonviolence does the unexpected.
- VERY FIRST MOMENT OF RESPONSE: But if you respond differently if you respond from togetherness. If you respond with vulnerability, if you respond with any of the soft qualities, while still being clear and firm about who you are, destabilizes the script, destabilizing the script increases our capacity to shape an outcome that's different from what usually happens.
- Not just "always empathize", but go with your intuition.
- In the world of nonviolence, distinguish between strategic & principled nonviolence. Yet it's not the either-or, principled nonviolence changes the energy field.
What is expected: posts taken down, person removed from this class. If we do that, we're not doing anything different from what got us here. We will not use the patriarchal methods that brought us here?
=Imagine 132 people doing this, even though you might forget it at some point, but committed to it. That's 132x times more than I can do.
If you resist the person pushing you, you give them your weight so they can knock you off faster.
If you yield, they move with you and is unstablized.
Nonviolence thrives on TRUST IN LIFE. IF you don't believe in everyone's humanity, then you can act on the surface, but not at the embodied level, this person and I are kin.
I'm so sad that you have to work like this to protect the rich & powerful. I would like you to join with us to make the world a place that works for all. vs. I'm fully armed and cursing. Easier to shoot the latter coz morally justified.
Actual rigor: cleaning my consciousness.
Nonviolence: not just love & compassion, but also standing up for truth
When people call NVC compassionate communication - I think compassion alone misses the point.
Conflict avoidance that justifies itself as nonviolence.
How can we bring peace if we don't tell our loved ones what we don't like.
- When the gap is really wide, I may choose to only listen to understand what's going on.
David Wiley Campt - White Ally Toolkit: a conversation where you talk about values and been heard is success
I imagine there may be many different kinds of impacts on people from having Gertraud's messages of today. I am aware of them and feel deep mourning about many layers of this. I am committed to attending to this with care for all, and I am still in discernment about how to respond with the degree of care I want to for all of us. I wanted to say at least this while still reflecting. ~miki
=This is held and not hanging as an open loop. There is no us-them in how I'll handle it.
95% of the time people don't reply because they don't know now to respond. Write in a card, photo and send: "I'm still thinking about how to respond to you it may take me a few more days. I received your message. It matters to me."
Use ourselves as instructional material - because we have complete knowledge, less guesswork.
I did a tremendous amount of reflection on how to respond, and have come to a place of clear sense. What I could do that could be a contribution to our explorations of leadership given how little engagement with these posts there has been I would want to do this only if there's a need for it. then someone actively requests it for that, please, if at all, contact Lore ahead of time.
We put endless energy in trying to anticipate impact. - impact paralysis
No rule, no answer, just increasing capacity and increasing variability of how we respond to things. not just one way.
=I would like to ask for intuition support from ...
It's too late at this point to engage, and from my personal experience and my understanding of other people what you posted, has pretty strong impacts on people. On the basis of my approach, and on the basis of having a lot of history of it not working well when you express your views, I'm wondering if you're willing to take off your posts until you and I talk and make a decision together whether or not to post it you're willing to do that.
Some tiny bits of healing happened
=I want to stay with the large group in silence breathing some collective digestion
breathing together
- Ask for support the moment I need it.
- I am still thinking, I hold you, you matter.
- I need a bit more info, are others impacted?, instead of pushing myself to make a decision when I don't have enough information.
- I ask you to hold and can we decide together, even though I'm in greater power
I thought it would serve the whole to ask about trickster
the stakes are high
walk as kin, shared faith, shared destiny
= There is nothing wrong with your story, it's exceeding my capacity. Please just tell me what you learnt. Did you learn anything that will help you do something different next time?
=Is it okay to go on to the next person.
If something happens and not attended to, it's an open loop that destabilize the group.
Do what my intuition tells me even if it doesn't feel like you.
Voice the impact
= What is it that you can do, else I'm just someone to watch?
Empathize & talk to that person who advertise, can I talk to you?
Be vulnerable, this is beyond my capacity, and I regret
Curious, support with their presence
My family: money is important, we are out to fend for ourselves
they don't feel safe, but I feel so despairing about where we'll go from here
Don't zoom into the content, but hold the whole
I express my love, but I don't ask - why do you think that way? - do you even know how much it affects my mom?
build togetherness in limited time
despair around extended family members who want to care for themselves first
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Victor Lee Lewis - 26 Mar
- They're in favor of other priorities in some sense have allowed myself to be more dysfunctional and conventional areas, so that I can conserve my my gifts in the areas where I feel that I have a calling.
- liberation is the undoing.
02:42:09
The effects, the elimination of the causes of each and every form of social oppression, so that the human family as a whole, can become a viable and regenerative press and the earth community
=It matters, huh.
- I'm an advanced co-learner, I have things I can teach, always.= What does that for you? What makes you so happy?
People comes in different species. People exist in different kingdoms.
Privilege confuses people about what's important, instead of seeing beings, we see status & money as important.
Don't dis-identify yourself with your privilege.
Cowardice (jackal) - Timidity (giraffe)
Capitalism externalize responsibility. We take that back not as burden but a right.
Marcus Aurelius - develop mental toughness, not constrained by fear of punishment/ disapproval
we're broadly socialized to care more about what other think about what others think than what we most deeply believe
To scorn helplessness & hopelessness even when they're delusional
If you're delusionally optimistic + pragmatically fierce about your healthcare outcomes, you will have better outcomes.
INVEST ALL OF OUR ENERGY IN THE COMMON GOOD
We're forked but not doomed, we're on the path to doom because we aren't unforking ourselves
=yeah, that's bummer
Wisdom, Justice, Courage, Temperance (https://www.orionphilosophy.com/stoic-blog/4-stoic-virtues)
why you think that avoiding death is the most important aim of life?
why you think titillating your senses achieving securing pleasure and avoiding pain is what makes the world go round?
Stop doing things for money
Gifteconomy is not just your choice, but about teaching: There's a duty to decolonize the marketplace commodification, thinking of the people that you're working with so that they won't play you cheap because that's the default response.
Be generous with me, give what is respectful and heartfelt according to you.
radicalresilience@gmail.com
"How to Think Like a Roman Emperor: The Stoic Philosophy of Marcus Aurelius" - by Donald Robertson
"How to be a stoic" - Massimo Pigliucci
“Feral” by Deena Metzger
"The Overstory" by Richard Powers
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sorry_to_Bother_You
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VISCERAL EMPATHY - Apr 2
The point is NOT whether he said this thing, but how we UNPACK and how we RESPOND.
In polarized issues, people easily mishears what others say. When we're in a polarized field, we are all on edge. So I'll go slowly and ask someone to repeat me.
Complex move: speak as someone else. Somebody says .../ It's not the case that ...
Imagine being that person, in the minority, vilified by the mainstream for not being caring even though
VISCERALLY IMAGINING
Imagination & curiosity is a crucial to the future
IF you can't imagine, be curious
@I'm trying to protect everyone from evil. I'm in despair that those I love are endangering themselves and think so badly of me. I'm trying to hard to care for them and they think I'm uncaring. I'm so hurt.
When you're guessing (their emotions, needs) you are still IN YOUR PERSPECTIVE, talking about them.
When you tell their lived stories from their terms/ perspectives, we are stepping into their shoes. We have a visceral, tangible sense of people who're different from us, instead of abstracting them.
Their meaning world might not necessarily has feelings and needs. If we're trying to speak, the words will be more nuanced and involved.
I want to give you something to do, NOT RIGHT NOW, I want to stay on topic, you can try speak from her perspective. NOT go into something general "we are all humans". She wakes up and pee and shit and have friends and tell her friends stories. Be her, tell her stories.
What is it that we would want to be able to do, so that we are not continuing the spiral of polarization and demonization, whether or not you're able to do it? How can I respond to someone who called me stupid when I am a minority?
@nurse my wound
@mom: I can't see why you do such a stupid thing, going for meditation, starving yourself, hurting your spine, wasting your time. What are you after, nunnery & enlightenment?
@She's not against me seeking sustainable peace & happiness, she's just concerned her needs aren't in.
@Do you know how precious you're to me? Why are you taking on unnecessary pain? I don't understand. Can we just hold hands and isn't that enough? Am I not enough for your happiness, all these things I've tried to do and provide? I make myself so nice & convenient, not needy at all.
@I feel angry, are you demanding more love from me, I already worked hard to make you happy.
=Search for the root of separation within me, find a path towards the other person with humility. "I don't know the whole truth."
=A deep truth of NVC: Our vulnerability is a bridge-builder. When we hide, we're more likely to escalate cycle of humiliation. When we share in full: "I'm gonna pick myself from the floor where I've been hurt, did I hear you accurately that you said I was stupid? Did you really say?" Check with them, not ensure.
=I hold it different, and they way I hold it is "these words are inherently separating". If I don't know what they think I'm stupid about, I don't know what thinking "maybe there's a grain of truth in that, that I'm really stupid".
=Deep humility: they're disagreeing with me, what can I learn? Learn, not just settle for "maybe I truly am stupid".
8 billion people looking at the universe in different way. They're not shouting at us face-to-face.
I'm going to issue that invitation again. Please bring forth your voices. You're precious and make this conversation meaningful, precisely because there're fewer of you.
=I'm in trauma --> I know deep inside I want to understand you, but I cannot at the moment.
=Try it in your own words.
Trauma & addiction take away our choice, especially capacity for discerning what you want to do. But capacity for instruction doesn't. If we make AGREEMENT of what to do, step 1-4 on a card, then in a traumatized moment you can follow it and be able to walk through. You need to have a great relationship with yourself that you trust yourself enough to follow your own agreement.
Big pack of prefabricated cards: in these classic situations, you show it to the other person.
How much, in this moment, am I willing to risk belonging and comfort, to say the truth? Just take one microscopic step beyond my comfort zone.
Unless it's false, don't retract. We can add to that, or say it differently.
Express difference without evaluating
We can completely love and care for each other, protect each other from harm, even if we disagree. Even when you're condemning me, I want to find a way to co-exist
- FIRST: humanizing themselves, eat and drink without talking about abortion, meet themselves as human beings, NOT as straw-people carrying opinions
- Share the lived experiences that led us to believe...
- Share the grey zone: What I'm unsure about in my opinion
- 6 women leaders, 3 from each side, have continued conversation for years, then co-author an article together. They still hold on to their opinion, but love each other to bits.
We give up on each other so easily.
White Right: Meeting the Enemy: a 2017 documentary film by Deeyah Khan.
@You believe I'm precious
@I'm really torn, this is what brings me life, and YOU brings me life
@Why I want to go, that moment when I'm down
@share the grey zone
@why this work for you, not to agree with each other, but to really know
If the person doesn't know how important they're to us, they won't know how much they hurt us.
Polarization is an easy illusion way out
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IMPACT SHARING - Apr 2
VISION MOBILIZATION SIGN-UP
- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Y6gDMPTzrk8HRG8V4d2f0a0B5atpUPGzc249cRA-Z28/edit
- sign up sheet; https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1ZY1VuPKugH7vcTLYkPNKK-U3snuX3ptspKyAsy1cLZk/edit#gid=0
- more information; https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YH3RxKeassE2O874D8JFzi9lmnRudOire950fwNLS4U/edit
=Don't take YES for an answer.
=We need to snowball leadership, nurture and challenge others to be leader.
Money: Imprint in the world, NVC Academy & in the field, that gift economy can do better than the usual economy. 63% more people, 95% of finance.
How to ask with passion and without demand: Does anyone see demand energy because I had none?
Sage: I hear your passion, and I hear my internalized demand.
I underestimate power of internalized messages. --> I can bring tenderness, and I can remind people, that we're in a thick groove in extraction economy: "whenever people ask you for money, it's a demand"
Any extra compared to last year -- commit Bay NVC's share to support marginalized students
Systemic untrustworthiness: Anyone with lower social position, we'll have to work extra hard to earn the trust of others & to grow into trust of others. Not mistrust against specific person.
Use impact as information, not to debate it or shame/guilt-trip
=I have 2 questions for those of you coaching groups, working in social activism, etc.
- What is it that Miki do, and why - Have your own opinion, NOT copy Miki's intuition, clarity, understanding
- Questions have potency, even though they're never answered.
- I would have gone along with the Nazi. Because I didn't ask enough questions, esp. WHY question.
I'm wondering if there's any thing you would like to request as we start this?
I want to clarify --> NO, is there anything you want from people in how we relate to you?
I want them to hear me --> Would you raise your hand if you trust my intentions/ have judgments of me? I would like to hear from two or three people what the impact on you was from reading what I wrote.
Is there anything you're afraid people might think about you?
They think I'm anti-semitic.
=You notice that I'm not one of them.
What's the impact when you see that?
Purpose is to support G to possibly understand the impact she has on others, not to support others.
When I facilitate, I am CLEAR who I want to support, so I won't be distracted. I want you to get support some other ways.
We cannot coach people whom we put in boxes
Separate content from person: the content is anti-semitic, I don't believe the person is
Is there any reaction in you to what I said about how I hold you? I feel relieved. Can you say why?
I put out content for discussion.
=Whenever we put out content that may be controversial, think through what is the purpose? How does that purpose live up to the impact that we know are likely to be there.
Impact Paralysis
I put 95% of my time: trying to be considerate, asking for consideration, etc. before I take action.
I believe in ITERATING: do something, see the impact, learn better the next time
I don't believe you integrated learning from previous feedback/ experience
Words such as yours, regardless of your intention, can lead to many people dying.
=I didn't hold a tight enough container around my request to stay away from content so that the content leaked.
I'm not trying to create safe space, but space where trust and flow, love can flourish.
= Anyone who experience impact, take a moment, breathe and surrender to life. PEACE IS RISKY BUSINESS.
=G do you have the space for that?
That I think the opposite is immaterial to understanding her.
@I think I have to pause my judge-y thoughts and TRY to see things from her lens.
She's making herself available to engage in a field where she knows that people oppose her content.
Tag it for another point
It's loaded and
= Is there discomfort for you in how this is unfolding?
AWARE & hold: purpose & impact
@I think the question you ask is very POINTED and might make her afraid: "what is the purpose of sharing this content that is so important to you, that you are willing for people to suffer the impact that I and many others suffered?"
@"blah blah blah" can sound dismissive
@"This is the lesson for you. This is the point at which the choice is made and you didn't make it.
=Slow down G.
What do you mean by seeing the Truth? Whenever I hear "the Truth", I am frightened?
Question why you're sensitive to this sense of "having the Truth".
"I have a truth that lives this in me, this deep passion, that I want to see spread in the world." VS. "Others are wrong, something should be done to them"
=What did you get?
That I should use another term.
NO that's not what I meant. See I did this, it's so prevalent.
=I didn't say you should do anything.
I am asking whether you can hold this as your personal truth.
Things we can prove & measure.
You cannot EVER reach a place where proving something makes everyone agree.
=So here is what I'm understanding:
I discovered sth so compelling to me, that I'm passionate about others seeing along. VS. I want others to overcome trauma so they can see the truth. Hold these 2 pieces, CAN YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?
Difference between choosing to do something for yourself and imposing it on others.
-So I have to be silent?
Hey, I have content to share. It's controversial, impactful, some people said it can be anti-semitic. If you're interested, send me email.
You didn't care enough for impact on others, on your need to share.
=I'm really quite spent. No further commentary on content, just what you learnt today?
Stalin phenomenon - so attached to purpose that all impact becomes ok
==
Not holding the person in judgement
I chose to go into this VS imposing it on others
My clarity is lost (my impact & requests) when I try to fuddle up my words to be nice
I'm an important part of the dyad. I need to say my impact in order to be curious.
Ask why in a caring way. Practice where stakes are really low & increase over time.
Thank you for trying to hear what I have to say AND this is what I meant (not BUT) - sincerely being happy & grateful, take the time to feel that
Here's what I'm understanding. Wait, tell me what's the difference that you're feeling?
==
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