Life moves you to offer. Feedback. Trust. - May 21
How much need there is for something I want to do?
Difference between responding to a group out there vs. Following your heart's intention.Is it within your trajectory of leadership to offer this?
You decide, then you put it out there, and let life decides whether it happens.
Elemental form of leadership: Make happen what I want to happen. This is subversive. Patriarchy trains us to fit in, be small.
Are there other people who are available at this time? Then that group asks whether there is a faci who can support us.
If there is a need in the field, I want the need to make itself known. Instead of asking, "is there a need", see if life moves in you to offer or ask?
=How long do we stay with it before it drains energy?
Do you trust that you have enough support elsewhere to work your way internally get settled?
When you find out, and if you sense there's a nugget, bring it back.
Not talk about content of unsettledness, but how we hold unsettledness together?
(1) 5-minute request vs. 3 billion project. The second needs more feedback.
(2) Broom & dustpan: If you make a mess, clean up, but move! Trust our capacity to attend to impact when and if that happens.
(3) Ask people to give specific feedback & suggestions, while keep moving. Don't get bogged down in either we attend to impact & inclusion, or we do this. The impact you need to think about is that of NOT doing anything.
@I make her to be a petulant child who dislikes being dismissed, wants the limelight.
--> There is no reason to wait, one minute longer
If we on mass stop waiting, the whole world will collapse.
Trust
The best in humans happen when we create conditions for trust. We can't convince people to trust. We can name what we feel & what we observe about group dynamics.
E.g.: CIC Community Interest Company: want me to be a work horse
A married couple with lots of conflict: Stay together with zero togetherness, or get a divorce with 100% togetherness.
At least I personally want us to stay together until we can decide whether we separate together.
Societal norm in individualist capitalist modern societies is to respect people's choice to exit. People who try to function in togetherness generates conflict because we go against the norms.
=Does it support you any way to hear this?
Honor evolutionary make up of humanity (reaching towards togetherness, staying in this shit with each other) vs. Violate societal norms (not allow people to exit gracefully)
When do we respect people's choice to exit?
My understanding of togetherness is we can only do it together. I can orient towards it in my heart, but can't have it on my own.
=Is there something fully within the thread we were on? Not a new thread?
I don't want to assume that jackal is a term everyone knows, floppy jargoning.
I don't glorify exiting as the normal, go-to thing. When I do it, I mourn.
Conflict happens when we lose trust
We may be in impact field, disagreement, divergence, etc. but still in complete trust
Conflict statement: describe conflict without getting into controversy. "We can't say more, because anything more would be within the conflict, not about the conflict."
Acknowledge conflict together = start a process to engage
Wrap conflict in blanket of togetherness
Not every conflict has to be resolved, have a Conflict Engagement System.
The Provider team wants it known that we have a longstanding conflict within the team, including
about some of the open questions below. We have different interpretations about the source of the
conflict, one of which is that not attending to these questions while continuing to move is a major
contributor to the conflict. (There is enough lack of shared understanding about the potential impacts
of these open questions and how they may relate to the particular conflict among the Provider team
versus how they may create conditions to yield conflict and disempowerment at-large, that this very
paragraph remains controversial.)
We are committed to continuing to engage with these questions to deepen our learning and capacity
in this time of human evolution that is calling to us to serve in full. We anticipate attending to these
questions within the emerging Apprenticeship program, within our team, and within NGL as a whole.
This topic in itself is the first open question.
Can we have a rule, Should we, ... : None of this is your voice as a human being.
Why does it matter TO you, not to the group, that the chair is empty?
@Doubt? I don't want to be here? --> He was actually scared.
I am already carrying impact from ... I don't quite know how to say what the impact is. I'm scared that you're deciding without consulting us.
=Stay there and don't say many more words. Let yourself feel what it feels like to be scared.
=The more you let yourself feel, without having to take action, the stronger you will become.
What are you waiting for?
What will you do? Text them?
=Watch out everyone, when this one unleashes herself, who knows where she might go.
Anything came up? Any open loop?
I don't need to know your past to know what is happening now and what will move you forward.
Requesting Softly - May 28
Second IIT ever in 1995. Every day 6-8 weeks people live together a weekend just to see how to live NVC.
How I frame requests and where we could stack functions.
= Step into this with that degree of seriousness even if this is low-stake. You're someone who wants to respond better in the world.
If I'm softer, then I'd have more power.
Power= capacity to mobilize resources to attend to needs
=You're someone who others listen to, you go straight to the point, speak in few words. I want to get relational needs met when they listen to you, not just the content.
- Request is content infused with empathy. Imagining what is plausible not just possible.
- The receiver knows what is wanted of them (NOT expected). Request translates needs, ideas, wishes into concrete actions. If I'm oriented towards your needs, but I don't know what to do about it, it's draining. -->Clarity, Ease.
- The asker knows what they want.
- Request leaves the other person FREE to say no. We're very reactive around freedom because as children we all had our freedoms trampled on. With request, when I say yes, it comes from within because I'm oriented towards your needs.
I assume if they're raising their hands it's because they have something important enough to the whole that supersedes the moment of landing together.
=If we make a plan about something, we use a higher threshold to change the plan than we'd have to use to make the plan. If we start something and
Changing something takes more energy tha
=I want to use few words now because I want to hold the moment of how deep this is.
=Just wait, be here. Let the moment be.
Viscerally I cannot hold the broad range of needs that is coming up, without someone coming up to co-hold.
=There's no point of me talking when I'm not being heard.
@The tight responsiveness between Annette & Miki - respond right away, hold up "Your screen froze"
The level of anxiety is increasing, patterns of disintegration, polarization intensifies. It's hard to find coherence.
=Tell me if this is addressing this, because you've been tracking things in an angle which I haven't. You think differently but you think in ways I can make sense and translate and therefore trust.
= We have to --> We don't have to anything --> I just want it so much <3
How important it is to secure agreements explicitly for more people?
- As leaders, everyone here, including every babies ever born, when we make an agreement between us, we'll need to ask that question.
- We'll continue to speak about people who're here.
- If you have an insight that is at the edge of our awareness, I'd request to say it.
- =I'm holding Barb, and you, and where you were before you shifted.
- =I don't want to open one more loop before you and I are done. I'll leave it be.
- Barb knows the higher threshold to just open mic and speak.
- Although we're asking people to act differently, the only variable that is changing is me: We're giving me strength to hold this group differently, overcome one of my facilitation weaknesses, and be held in that stretch. I have a sense that others will hold me in a way that I will feel stronger to persist in this agreement, even though it's not spontaneous for me, and I don't need anything else.
- I'm certain the field is stronger than the 2 of us, I just don't know how strong it is. And we can strengthen it beyond what it is now by issuing the invitation that you have this is what shifted.
=Are you okay with that or you think I'm violating the agreement already? =You told me to be softer, so I want to mirror that by pausing on the word "violate" - =The invitation was living in you not in me, so you have to invite it.
- Whatever lives within us, we can't outsource.
- Request:
- Give people time to process
- You frame what you understood and put that as a straw model
- Invite others
- =Write this down: Share your understanding of the agreement you think we reached. Your sense of whether or not that agreement will catch that elusive thing that Annette and I talked about. If you sense that life placed in your lap a piece of the puzzle that we didn't include, if you sense that there is something in your awareness that assist our collective co-holding, talk about it in the group and let us know when you come back.
Support Team: I'm available to help process questions.
Uncertainty, Self-doubt
@Khang that was SO lovely to hear... thank you for the softness in your speaking, i hear lots of impact care.
@thank you Thuan, I felt relief to hear from you, given that every time I open my mic I'm nervous. 🙂 And I want to let you know that it has always been a joy to see you and your comments on this course. I've always felt so much care from you, too.
@oh thank you so much for this... it watered my eyes instantly and I’m connecting it to the feeling that someone is seeing me... needs for belonging met! I'm pleased by what you brought about raising the threshold the way you did it: acknowledging the importance of the conversation and talking about the non english speakers and new people in the room. I'm from Brazil and in my breakout it was the same for them all.
@🙂 And I haven’t had a chance to say this before, just your presence from the first time I saw you on the RTTC call last year, to seeing you in NGL group and here, your continued presence gave me courage to step further into Miki's teachings. You doing what you’re doing means a lot to me even when we don't speak directly to each other.
@Oh that is real nourishing food for me, Khang. I would love to have more time together or change basis somehow if you're willing… for now I was planning to stay for after party but I think your message is enough for me to integrate and end this day... I'm feeling gratitude.
thank you thank you thank you!
lorebaur@gmail.com
Optimal Conditions for Experimentation - June 4
loss of trust in life --> Seeing everyone as kin
A baby is born in the operational trust that there is a world ready to satisfy in love and care all that he or she may require for his or her living, and is therefore not helpless.
optimal condition: sufficient consistent access to togetherness
Mistrust is activated when someone does something that doesn't work for me and I don't understand why they're doing it.
=I want to pause for a moment and see if you recognize the ease at which we do this
- One of our tasks as leaders is to re-channel is to channel energy towards togetherness, stay in trust
- As leaders we WILL be distrusted.
- The more we want to experiment outside the patriarchal field, the more trust there needs to be within groups that were experimenting.
NOT bring me trustworthy people, but how can I increase my capacity to trust?
@Nice people vs alcoholic, I trust her good intention
@How to deal with distrust from my mom regarding the goodness of the world?
Trust in someone vs Confidence in their ability to do something
Deep mutual abiding sense of trust in you, but within it I have no confidence that you'll call me back tomorrow. If we stay in communication and not depend on me doing all the calling, we'll need to put in place some agreement some support structures. It's not that each time you don't call, I make up a story about how you don't value me.
Mistrust is a spiraling and escalating field. "You can't hear me when I don't trust you." There's no 'we' when I don't trust you. But we can hold that issue together.
Find a gentle container within myself, for my own human and intention, so that I can hold it and not be squashed when reality mirrored the impact of my action.
I want to completely believe the impact on me without believing anything about you.
=I'm getting lost. All is opening, I know there's a question at the end. Can you say the question?
- Anything that we don't talk about reduces intimacy.
- Holding the humility that I don't know what happened. If I put effort, I can come up with 3 narratives. (forgot it, then get ashamed, then tried to pretend nothing happened)
@does someone want to do complex work with me?
@narrative that someone is selfish, esp. children
@They think that I'm a second-class citizen - chip on my shoulder. I feel ashamed to speak up, such a selfish move.
@Can I trust that you as my boss, rich and powerful, actually cares about me as a young person. This constant clamoring for proof of care vs. Garnering effort to SEE care.
@People who speak differently, can I call in more energy to focus?
institutional colorblindness
a systemic perspective helps us to not place on blame on a person
you as an individual is required to have so much capacity that you can generate more energy than the field of the groove into which you fell. That will hardly happen.
How we can, from a situation of systemic lack of power, we can have the best chance of presenting ourselves. Not critique, but vision & specific action.
Here's vision. It might takes 3-4 years, but here are step 1 & 2. We can come back for step 3 & 4.
When they don't trust me, there's a chance it's not about me, but statistical systemic survival mechanism.
I would rather have the money taken and live in trust, than keep the money and live in distrust.
Support them without agreeing with them
- I will never have children because I was abused and there was high risk of me passing it on. --> She has compassion for herself, understands the risks, but NOT saying I'm an untrustworthy person.
- I see how you have been traumatized, making it high risks for me to walk alone at night with you.
- Extraordinary people: Antoinette Tuff, Deeyah Khan, Angie O’Gorman (My safety and the safety of this man are intertwined. He didn't know exactly he was human; he definitely didn't think she was human.) Yet we take reasonable measures to protect ourselves.
Conflict Escalation System: if we cannot within ourselves decide someone needs to leave, we'll entrust the decision for someone outside the community
Life is arranged to care for all that lives through an endless flow of energy & resources.
Develop a statistical awareness and not lose trust
"My body is opening to sustenance more by the moment, I'm trusting in life more by the moment." - I felt uplifted in the short time we had together. I'll take what you said into my life, and let you know what happens in the next few weeks. Thank you Dlyn. :)
Trusting that the other also has the highest impulse to liberation.
Feedback - Jun 11
Personal triggers vs Systemic
Memnoon/ Mamnoon & Hebrew Mitzwah: Please do as I requested only if you can do it with the joy of a child feeding a hungry duck. Total willingness to contribute to & enrich life.
@Letting my neighbor know I'm annoyed, tired, disturbed, loud, uneasy.
#Any trace of I should, I want to be a good person, etc. --> overstretching
#What can I do? This is 7 steps ahead.
Everybody wants the same thing as I want. Only lack of capacity, on their end, my end, or systemically.
#If indeed you're devalued & disrespected, what are the actual feelings & sensations in your body?
#I don't know how to convey to you how important music is to this community. I'm wondering whether you can stay with me for a minute to work this out?! I'm angry about this community's experience, I want to support them & I don't know how! I need your help!
The first person who benefits from taking part in nonviolent struggle is the person who does it. Because you find in it your freedom and you find in it your love. Even if you make no difference to the planet - you still have found your freedom and your love.
Step 1: Opening our hearts
Race & Class: What is the impact in your body? Contraction, bending, collapse, heaviness, exhaustion.
- Thought A: They will never understand, only keep devaluing me. --> Afraid. I don't belong.
- Thought B: They cannot understand, no way they could have. I see the humanness and generosity in their discomfort. --> Give you some sense of energy, not at cost to you, motivated to do something for yourself. --> This is the benefit of nonviolence for the person doing it.
You don't need to mobilize, help people who over-power me.
#You said it was emotional for you. Can you just say a word or two about that?
#I assume your raised hand is on a different sub-thread, not within this?
Your body is not reacting randomly. It is reacting to a stimulus. But its reaction is within you, and you can find choice about it.
#Any time somebody expresses that what I write increased their capacity to live in line with vision, it's HUGE energy boost for me.
Step 2: Humility through seeing the systemic context
You prepare, role-play, and 9 out of 10 you fail, the person reacts.
I'll go for vision even if we go down the drain. We die with dignity.
An intuitive discernment FRESH each time
Step 3: Choosing effectiveness
You're beating yourself to be practical & pragmatic before you even touch the dream.
Never compromise the dream. The dream may never happen, but it's a source of energy. If you compromise the dream, the result will be smaller than if you go all out for the dream.
Dreams are made of magic wands, not careful consideration.
Magic wand, what would happen, if you are able to share the impact?
If your only purpose is internal, what we're doing today is enough. Biggest dream ever, now you're touching it.
Vision:
Purpose: Action - what will happen that is yours to do? Create a diversity policy of 25% diversity scholarship.
@I'll knock on every door. We'll huddle every night and morning around the fire. We take food production and recycling into our hands.
Sharing impact is a step on this plan. Feel it, whatever you do, if you choose to do it, it's A step in a long plan. Shift this school so dramatically.
#No no no. I want you to make more contact with the purpose. Imagine it, don't distance yourself from it. Stay connected to you. Share this impact to start a process that have THAT as your potential end goal.
Imagine if you're the person receiving the feedback:
- Thought A: I'm giving you impact. You said you were willing to hear from me. It's not okay with me, I want to fix it.
- Thought B: I want to GIVE YOU this impact because it's my first step to collaborating with you to create transformation in this school that will support all the students. Out of that experience comes a passion in me to contribute to a change.
Receiving impact always suck. Make that moment as easy as possible: collaborative, positive purpose.
As few words as possible, put in positive purpose ASAP!
Purpose of sharing impact: Have a clear, shared reality of how far we are from the vision I want to bring forth.
@I want a great neighborhood where we can trust each other, sing with each other, applause for great performances.
#Your details, energy in your vision pulled me in.
#Are you comfortable with me continuing? Do you need to hear anything from me before you can be open to me continuing?
Never water down, break it down into chunks. Complete 1 chunk, check the capacity, if too low then wait & rest.
- Orient towards vision
- Go to vision asap, few words
- Check in for connection at each chunk
Wear my clothes inside out.
Everyone of us has 3 layers: The one we show, the one we hide, the essential truth. Go for the essential truth. There's nothing to hide.
#Stop hiding. Even if what you hide is a distortion of the essential, it's a doorway.
If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you.If you don't bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you. - Gospel of Thomas
I need patience. My feedback is a bridge & a shift.
Systemic change, relational connection, personal acknowledgement.
If your only purpose is acknowledgement, you are less likely to build field of togetherness, which often means acknowledgment cannot flow naturally.
We smell "I want to teach you a lesson from a thousand mile."
Hold the vision with the fullness of passion, and surrender to life. Life will care for it. Maybe somebody will read it after I die.
I bring every cell of my being into everything I do. I must surrender else I'll die of suffering.
#I can't help you. I haven't go through it. You'll need somebody else. Maybe the first step I can suggest is to surround your anger with love, instead of forcing yourself to release it.
Thank you for the no-nonsense, matter-of-fact way that you brought this in.
Counterwill is a name for the instinctive reaction of a child to resist being controlled. This resistance can take many forms: opposition, negativism, laziness, noncompliance, disrespect, lack of motivation, belligerence, incorrigibility and even antisocial attitudes and actions. It can also express itself in resistance to learning. Despite the multitude of manifestations, the underlying dynamic is deceptively simple - a defensive reaction to perceived control or coercion.
Lily Yeh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVCXF6PN0g4
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