Be with me in holding the impossibility - Arnina - RTTC June 17
=30s for you to ask anything about meAny dilemma/ question
=What exactly is the painful part?
=Was it a clear end by you or the other person, or it just dissolved?
=What's your motive in trying to connect?
You can find peace or not, by contacting or NOT contacting.
It depends on what I tell myself: about myself. What is the should?
"People shouldn't..." - What is important?
=What is it that feels unclean?
=Am I clean enough now to express my truth as nonviolent as I can, without implying wrongness of the other person or myself?
@I haven't found a doorway into my neighbor's heart
@Be friends, I don't want to be upset with the music. I'm supposed to be meditating peacefully and not getting upset, trying to present that front to my mom even when I'm angry.
@I don't want my mom to get angry. She should be calmer.
@I want to be friends. Living the good life.
@I want to have peaceful nights with no music. I want my mom to be peaceful and happy. I want my neighbors to be happy, too.
Transform Judgment into Needs
Embodying the other person in my Body
If you remember all actions are from needs, 1 minute is enough for all emotions.
What world do I want to live in?
I'd like a world where both sides see my needs when I did that, where we cultivate acceptance.
Stay with the pain, NOT go to judgments.
What was life rising in you, telling you what to do? So much bigger than the word "need".
" GLUE " No one else to go to except our parents
Only if this person, this act, this time (now), these 3 elements there, my need met.
And that didn't happen, at the cellular level: I don't matter, I don't exist.
Appreciated for who you are vs a place on this planet where I can be fully me.
mattering, being seen, and having a place to be fully me
I take that "glue" (now if my partner don't make me that cup of coffee), put on my important person, registered on that painful spot, if that person doesn't acknowledge me, I almost don't exist.
For the young body: anger is the primal emotion, screaming "I'm here, see me!"
Usually we don't wake up at all if we don't question. We wake up AFTER we did it and we asked question.
NOT Justification, but Compassion.
Compassion & acceptance for the reasoning, NOT for the act. The act I will mourn forever.
If I don't receive what I need, it will always hurt, but I will not die as if I was a young person.
Mourn my blindness, not my asshole-ness.
Very deep pain for the adult, no longer existential fear for the young body.
I don't want to look at something I want as "silly" ever.
I may not act on that, but I always honor that.
This is how I feel now, now can be long, I accept that.
Give it to me OR Can you be with me in holding the impossibility of it?
Can you be with my longing? I don't want to erase anything that is true, just want to hold together.
Did you hear what I say as a demand?
Acknowledgment is a deep healing practice.
Be with me. Stay with me. Tell me if this is hard for you to hear. Listen now.
Co-holding without excusing/ justifying myself or agreeing
5 Awakening Questions
What world do I want to live in (given that this bad thing happen, what do I yearn for, how can I approach it now, how can I create transformation and not erase what happened)?
Who do I want to be in this world?
What is important for me in this relationship?
What would I like to have happen in this conversation (with that person)?
How am I going to prepare myself for that conversation?
- Tôi muốn sống nơi mà tôi hiểu vì sao họ hát, thấy vui khi họ hát, thi thoảng được sang hát cùng, tôi muốn họ biết rằng tôi ở đây & tôi nhức đầu, cảm ơn họ dừng hát vào lúc 10h. Tôi chờ mãi, nếu họ hát hơn tôi muốn dừng, nhưng tôi hiểu sẽ làm họ mất hứng, nên tôi chờ. Và tới 10h thì thật sự thở phào nhẹ nhõm. Tôi thật sự không muốn mất hòa khí làng xóm. Khi Covid xảy ra thì ở gần nhau mới giúp nhau được, dù chuyện đó chưa xảy ra, nhưng tôi mong muốn chuyện đó xảy ra.
- Tôi muốn mình ghi nhận sự tức giận của mình và của mẹ, và tìm cách nói nó ra. Nhưng không đổ nó lên người kia.
- Tôi muốn trở thành một người thẳng thắn, bình tĩnh, hài hước.
- Trong mối quan hệ này, vẫn nhìn mặt nhau.
- Dù không đồng ý, vẫn thấy vài điểm tốt ở người kia.
- Tôi muốn tìm cơ hội có những giao tiếp nhẹ nhàng, vui vẻ khác.
Prepare: What am I telling myself about myself or the other person? Can I find the humanness beneath the judgments?
- I'm weak. I will be scolded. I don't want to be angry.
- He will lash out on my family, making life harder. --> He feels judged. He wants acceptance and celebration of habit?
When you say judgment is from her, what's your dilemma? I don't want to be taken wrongly?
Acknowledge what you did without guilt.
I don't believe in "asking for forgiveness". If you don't want to give up on yourself, what would you do?
Be together without agreeing
After acknowledging the pain caused by what you did
Ask her what she'd like in this relationship
No one acknowledged her pain of getting a younger sister, so she put it on you.
energetically move on from being the victim or the accuser
Phenomenon: You said an idea, and the leader/group/sb don't accept it. Move away from the content.
Do we have to agree on things as the only way to be together?
If we don't agree --> strategies of persuading, condemning, dominating
@Loving for the other parts: food, garden
Understand --> Accept --> No need to Love
Can I stay with you in a space that is energetically curious/ open
Can I be with you without an urge to agree or convince
Purpose for the course & for me - June 24
coalesce around a purpose
just the "values" are not enough to pull people out of patriarchal field, not just being but doing
Purpose organizes what I do
Statement of Match: This is not the place for me.
Sense of purpose & Sense of belonging blurred
"Why do you have that purpose, so that I cannot belong?"
Accelerate individual & collective liberation
in times of global crises
through live-coaching + engaging actively in co-learning nonviolent leadership
support all of us to free ourselves to step into powerful, active caring for all of humanity. This includes facing the reality of where humanity is, freeing ourselves to step into combining power and love in caring for the whole, and nonviolently walking towards our largest vision for humanity.
@Purpose: See, speak and act my truth more, with greater care and tenderness.
=easy access to raising your hands = listening, digesting, witness, opening to other channels of participation more on the receptive side, not about shutting up
"Transform our business, our people, ... from neglect of this land. How can we transform ourselves to move into this."
=Is this purpose within capacity for you, you actually have capacity to live into? It's gorgeous, ambitious.
=Maybe this is a purpose for a "we" not an "individual"
=When you say "must", you moved away from capacity lens
It's unacceptable, we must do something about children dying from preventable causes.
Difference between [accepting] that children dies, and [accepting] the fact that children die & we don't have capacity to do something.
Move from outrage lens to tragic lens
Settling --> What is it in relation to that, that is within my capacity.
Don't glue your purpose to the vision
What is within your capacity to do?
= Can you see the link between your purpose and the course's? Can you articulate it?
Shift into active agency, not passive foraging
We evolved to be foragers
"challenging racial assignment binaries"
=terms that create a distance, describe what you're doing, rather than give it a category
- expand polarised perspectives & share collective needs to be able to connect
- take race off the body, distinguish racial assignment from cultural AND choice, full lived experience
recognize that there're assignments, but NOT identify with it
deconstruct power system, be more fully ourselves as humans
=What I'm seeing on a superficial look, this is observation & interpretation.
Multiple heritages, physical experience of multiple categories -- see things differently
- Needs are not "problems" that will go away when we try hard enough, but rather deep expressions of life. We cannot choose whether or not to have needs, but in how to relate to them.
Create conditions for people to learn FROM and WITH each other
breakout of their racial agreements
=I know it would serve you, but would it serve the purpose for the course?
Not just your personal interest, [what am I interested in, following associative link] and [what's on purpose]
=create an open loop on the effectiveness of what we're doing here?
=not making a request of you Liz, just leaving it to you as an opportunity
Convo between Liz & me: complex content didn't settle, not between us
Regardless of what the content is, it's hard for the group to follow
"mediation" "love crusades" "de-escalation" "yoga" "planting psilocybin"
=What would you seek from me: inspiration, motivation, ideas not my own
"become an intentional community leader" "co-hold NGL framework with others" "experiment with pathways to integrate the framework" "hold workshops in groups that aim for integration"
=look for something jarring, investigate it
if you say "I want to help you", they say "we don't need help!"
"build social movement" "where ppl transform at deep level" "create healthy human cultures" "prepare for after collapse"
"create conditions for ppl to communicate when they hold diametrically opposed ideas, vaccine, guns, abortion"
"restore access to natural wisdom" "inspire vision-based leadership through nature-based empathy & VM"
"create & co-hold spaces of restoration & liberation, where dominant cultures dissolve, through self-empathy, nature-based practices, VM"
"remembrance of all being split" "create healing sanctuaries"
=it's here in the space
=enough convergence already, now we can hold people who're not aligned
Are you training your children to be disobedient?
because if you don't, you're not inoculating them against harming others. Obedience is the ingredient that makes people do atrocities to one another.
What's stopping you from exiting - July 2
Work sprint - Resource Flow team
Confirm with my pod mates about what I bring here
Drop within the vulnerability into the mystery of life
Domain: quitthemarket.org
- An hour a day: take action to move us further from the market (cook instead of buying, putting solar panel on roof, connect with neighbors - 4 families give away 3 lawn mowers, then share 1)
Where is the place that we remain attached to the system? - Binding our lives together
The more commitment and actual change, the fewer people come to engage.
This course is still knowledge consumption.
NGL Apprenticeship
Not to learn, but become co-creators in bringing something to the world
The edge of courage: each person not taking the step, is a treasure trove of info for us to learn about what we need to change
=I want your words to echo all around
Attack on community to create cheap labor. Result is permanent anxiety that most people live in.
No connection to land - cannot feed ourselves directly
Depend on people liking us in order to sustain ourselves
- Hire us
- Buy our products/ services
- Give us charity
- Marry us
- Give us Inheritance
Saying "this is amount of money I have" is FORBIDDEN
Not having buddies where we like each other
Move to where we bind our fortunes together, or lack of fortunes together
Join NGL, offer life energy, rely on our collective capacity to generate resources to sustain you, living together in a pod somewhere as soon as possible
Seeding of a gift economy is through giving
- Free events: different from by donation, gift bases, NO WAY for ppl to give money
- Giving here & receiving there
- Equivalent of free events that exceeded what I received every month
- Felt energetically: giving was seeding of an energetic flow, trusting the flow of life that came from me.
- No perks, no donor parties, nothing.
- Not restrict receiving to those who give
- Not donor relationship
- People trust me because they know I give
- Subvert logic of exchange/ scarcity/ accumulation
Where can you take a step of giving unconditionally?
Give a little bit more than you're comfortable: grow capacity, increases trust in life. Giving is the seed, receiving is the deepening.
Generosity is the most direct antidote to scarcity.
Are there people you've felt any resonance, I could conceivably live with? Have you initiated contact?
Why wouldn't you rush to reach out these people?
"They'd think I'm using them, desperate."
Ask for a complete answer of why someone said yes/no.
Illusion of freedom - consolation prize for losing community
Can you talk to them about how you might live together maybe in 2 years
One of you cook a meal for all 4-5 of you
Little projects together
=slow down, feel into it
=Do you know what was important to you that led you to want to speak? What is the longing behind it?
= Is there a small, small, baby step you can imagine?
= Do you feel able to do that?
= What do you need that will help you to settle into making the decision to do it?
"If I could believe that I'm worth it somehow?"
= What is something that could happen right now? While we're still together and talking, that could support you in believing that?
= I have a feeling that at least some people who're going inside them somewhere, "Please do it. If you do it, it will give me strength to do it."
= How many people would put a thing in the chat that says something like "Please do it." Don't do it if it's not authentic. Not for her. Only if it's for you.
= Would someone please speak out loud a few that touches you.
= Can you see that you've been serving others by your courage to speak about it?
= All you signed up is to take in what was given to you, and see if it's enough to cross the barrier. That's all. You may not succeed, but we're rooting for you.
= Breathe in, make yourself available to receive the magical gift of your gift to others, you're doing something that they're not doing.
Constructive Program: You move in the direction you want, without waiting for conditions to change.
If enough people do it, British textile industry would collapse.
I meet others' needs at my expense. I lost trust in the capacity of others, though I trust their intention.
Complexity of someone with high capacity in a world of low capacity.
Resisting a deep groove of stepping in to fill voids.
Leaving the void in the short run will result in more impact for me.
Still, leaving the void is more accurate to life.
Every time I over mobilize and step in to fill a void deprive the totality of the system of the accurate information of what the capacity within the system truly is.
No walking towards liberation without encountering defeat repeatedly.
https://nvctraining.com/classroom/mod/hvp/view.php?id=22323
(1) What we habitually when we encounter defeat is to harden up, when what we need is mourning.
Do you have mourning buddies?
(2) Mourning is NOT about being soothed. Safety is not on the menu. Mourning is about reconnecting with life so that I can have the energy to go back and try again.
(3) Intentions are nothing if they're not anchored in concrete AGREEMENTS. Patriarchal conditioning is on material plane, intentions are just an idea. On Mondays, we do this, on Wednesday, we do that.
- Pod experimenting on behalf of all humanity: weekly meeting (Sun), project meeting (Tue), shared risk call (Thu), movie discussion (Sat), logistical 15m (every morning), lunches & dinners together
- Speak respectfully (NOT respectful). Anytime anyone sees someone speaking in a way that they believe is not respectful of others, they pause the conversation and ask everyone to slow down so people speaking can find a way of saying what they need that is truthful & caring.
Capacity increases when we give. Connect with ur own sense of agency.
Am I the next person through whom life is going to bring something to the group. Whoever feels like this is me, I'm called to serve life by speaking what is living in me. Then just unmute yourself.
=There was a word you said that I wanted to lift up and examine.
Indigenous "life" doesn't have "lifestyle" on it.
not in binding material resources together except for the house
- Commons cannot be built and can be restored. Commons is basically about exiting. The property relations that have been imposed on the planet, restore the relationship of stewarding in common our relationship with each other, with the land, with everything else that comes from life.
Difficult question: How much capacity does a community have to engage people whose capacity is challenged?
@Khuyen, Trang, Tho
Purpose & Care, Connection, Intimacy - July 9
*Any time a good girl interrupts, YAY!*
False Dichotomy
- Purpose vs Care. In NVC, we're taught to care, within the either/or. Only when impact is ALL cared for, then we can move towards action.
- The reason I prioritize purpose is because I care.
- =Can anyone who get this, speak about this? Step of leadership to trust your understanding and speak.
- "I think" I'm understood differently.
- I care about you VS I am willing to be a strategy
Purpose is a strong enough field to pull us out of patriarchal trance (we moan & get addicted w/o mobilizing for change)
Female/ male training --> if we step into leadership, we're likely to be attacked
- You don't care/ connect enough
- White Christian women: trauma of witchhunting
I'm not inviting you into a better life. (I wouldn't switch my life for anyone else's.)
- making 200k/ month, beautiful apartment, but not a good life. But intimacy & purpose.
=There's a lot of density when I talk from a place of real passion, so I want to slow it down.
Conflict with someone:
- serious at the content level
- held so well, the care for one another is so clear
- once the field is held, no more needed other than continuing to
- care for relational loops
- catch new impacts when they happen
priority is elsewhere right now.
The capacity is not there to both attend to purpose. And attend to this conflict beyond the initial emergency that was needed to mobilize holding the field. Once the field is held. No more is needed other than continuing to care for the relational loops and catch new impacts when they happen.
= I'm happy to slow down and wait. This is not a performance. This is you and I walking towards liberation on a path I don't know yet.
= You choose, talk about safety, or about content you want to share
Non-reactive discernment - I don't want to do this (i'll have share hangover)
- Wanting some level of perfection before I show up
- Hopi: actively put in an imperfection in their rugs. To remember that perfection is not in the realm of human.
- Striving for perfection: keeps the system in place. If we're perfect enough, we become the thing we want to change
- Safety (no one will walk away) --> Walk towards unsafety
- = I'll let a point go, this is enough. Every perfectionist in the room, take a few breaths and take it in, while M settles.
- Me being the person, in my whole life, with greatest capacity (coz my minimal life). It's not luck. It's intentional. - Me receiving anger projection
- The needs outstrip no matter how much capacity you have/ create (via training, capacity building).
- No way to avoid saying "no".
- Ex: Church: anyone can come for food. People keep increasing - neighbors complain, 2 years and program close down. Another church: 150 people only - 10 years and running. --> Notice & HONOR our capacity limits.
- Capacity triage --> I practice De-mobilization. I go on strike (generosity fast) & my folks increase capacity. De-mobilization is growing trust in life. We need to surrender & when we surrender, we discover life.
- Keep on caring. Keep on respecting your limits. Mourn the gap.
- One of the core spiritual human challenges: Find a way to say 'no' EARLY enough so we can say if SOFTLY without closing our heart to the other person.
- Be soft in your "no". Don't harden in order to say "no".
- Boundary: Putting palms forward: To others: Don't come near.
- Limit: Putting palms facing myself: To myself. This is as far as I can go.
=If anyone whose hands is up is WITHIN conversation I had w M? If so, just unmute.
- Tell me what it would cost you to say yes?
- We need to let ppl to know our capacity is limited, when we still have enough capacity for capacity negotiation, enough room to hear impact for you, so we can find a way together to care for your needs, care for relational loops.
=Want to give you info to shape the arc of your sharing: we have 30min, 3 hands up, 1 more piece I want to share. From what you said, I had a sense that this will be a wild/while of the share. Pick the essence & say the essence.
- Midwife: no one stays in the room without a role
- When I spend energy trying to integrate someone not on purpose, I cannot stay laser-like on what is coming through me.
- Birthing women are a force of nature.
- California sober: use plants, spiritual
=4 times you said you will have question, and opened another piece of your story. I'll ask you to either "ask a question" or for us to be complete.
=It's a super rich question (How to stay in connection when we're considered the 'other'?). = CARE, explicitly affirm
= I'd like you to bring it either directly related to the topic I state, or open coaching where you work it out on prep sheet. = State my purpose, where we don't align, NO BLAME! --> open a door with specific action
= Would it work for you? = CARE yet SCULPTED YES/NO QUESTION
= Can you make this work for you? = narrower opening
= Can you tell me what you heard me say? How you feel? = very open, continue the conversation, she skipped these 2 requests (empathy/ connection) and go straight to action
Stalin phenomenon: these leaders care about people, wanting the same vision of taking care of needs
- So hung up on purpose that you become careless about impact
Impact paralysis: keep investigating impact
==> MOURNING as inoculation. Act on purpose, mourn the gap.
=How do you know, from the outside, that ppl don't care?
How open does my heart feel to you? Am I in reaction, or non-reactive discernment?
Can you TRUST that people know for themselves? You doubting them won't help them.
"I'm not sensing care from you. Can you look inside and tell me whether your heart is still opening to me?"
"With all systemic racism, with all my experience, when people take the action you just did, I don't know how to interpret it in any way other than just another instance. Still I want to hold it as mine, not assume about your intention."
"Order is nature in disarray." - Tom Atley
Care is cut-off if I see ppl doing NVC wrong. Self-righteous energy, clouded in philosophy of how NVC helps humanity.
What is the jewel in the self-righteousness?
Within the vision, where's the intimacy? Within the self-righteousness, where's the opening to invite ppl into what's important for you?
Don't sit in the immobilizing trauma. We need community (NVC NGL) to pull us out. If the persecution against women was against a country, it'd have been called a war. In particular for women without male protection, who step up and say certain things need to change. I hear this as coming into the light.
I confess I made that error, confusing those who spoke less with those who're shy.
@Many thanks to you dear Sage for your sharing: this birthing of a baby/ vision that all of us in the room are oriented around
AUTHENTIC EXPERIMENTS - July 16th
Reach out to offer support
Respect people's choice --> We're taught to respect individual choice
- "I'm not comfortable" = Start, not end of conversation
- Courage to offer support someone who's reluctant to accept
- #1 Courage: Not force ppl to accept support, but continue gauging rather than accepting things at face value
- #2 Courage: Not take a "no" as rejection
=When there's a need that's not attended to, it stays as a weight.
I'm not going for the fullness of a need UNLESS it is precisely my purpose.
We got the clarity we needed, although we never got the place we intended to see.
Connect as Advocate
Clara: I want to connect to ppl in my community as an advocate for homelessness. Wide income range.
- Name something with brevity = leadership skill
- Say "no": I'm interested in you, just not in this topic. Can we find something else of common interest.
I'm afraid they don't trust me enough.
- Limitation = something within me, I can possibly change. E.g. I don't have enough confidence.
- Obstacle = outside an individual's sphere of influence . E.g. Capitalist system makes food scarce.
- =If you think it's a limitation, wave both of your hands!
- Over time, our limitations shrink. Most of what we'll be dealing with will be obstacles.
If people work together across divisions, our system would collapse instantaneously.
We're divided, that division is necessary for systems of oppression to continue. All of us are trained to continue that division.
No way out except slowly.
- Get it in our bones. Look and see how I'm taught to (a) Mistrust people who're different and (b) Believe that they will mistrust me. (Silly story of pointing fingers at those "shameless Chileans", not us.) --> Blasting through these walls of division. Not just knowing we're in pockets, but now that if we stay, our future is in danger.
- Use that knowledge as motivation & strength to take the actions we're trained not to take.
- You'll be mistrusted. You need to risk being told many things, to prove yourself different from what systemic mistrust says.
- The cost to people who've long been oppressed (for trusting you) is much larger than the cost for you.
- Systemic mistrust, not about specific ppl happened to be pigmented in particular ways.
AUTHENTICITY AS ANTIDOTE FOR MISTRUST
- When you're awkward, DO NOT cover it up to look good. Ppl will lose trust. What's within that authenticity gap, is she planning something against me?
- I feel awkward, I don't know what to do. [silence] --> Ppl have to take care of your discomfort, saying it's okay even when that's not necessarily true.
- I feel awkward. I'm determined to keep walking forward because I really want to bridge the gap between us. And I'm wondering if you're open for both of us sharing one thing about ourselves that is true of us but may not be visible.
“When people have done significant harm it takes enormous courage to traverse the sea of shame that separates them from their own weeping soul.” ~Miki Kashtan
System or individual. Fear causes people see one another as symbols, of oppression etc. Transparency and humility will show the actual relatable being behind the narrative based symbol.
= First of all I'll just sit without words. For a little longer so that the wave is metabolized.
= Don't listen to cultural messages about crying. Let it flow until it naturally stop.
That anger is flowing through you. No one else can feel that. That's your one and only job. Feel that anger & grief.
= Cannot fix all in one day, but we took a small step.
= Can you feel the difference?
= Can you put into words what's the difference?
= When you gave urself 10s you felt lighter. Can you imagine how much lighter you'd feel if you give urself a whole minute?
= With that understanding that I may be completely off, is the grief about the anger is taking your anger away, preventing you from creative flow.
Systemic anger can increases anger and also compassion. Shifting to compassion takes work.
=Can I count on you for that, if you're here again, raise your hand, I'm here and ready to do the work.
=I'm making it about you for a time. Let's track this until end of September, if you comes back. If by then you don't come, we'll discuss it without you.
I take seriously the one and only life that is mine, put it in service of the whole instead of waiting. Risk finding out ppl don't trust me. But I'm the only one with this PASSION I have about this.
Coaching Missions
- Sharing experiments of truth: "I went to Colombia last year, let's distinguish what global north and south need"
- Supporting everyone in finding their strategic discomfort : "Each of us in our discomfort"
- Creating conditions for people to learn from and with each other: "Annette talked about the need to frame a common orientation"
- Modeling collaborative leadership and facilitation
- Passing on sufficient embodied conceptual content to support people's leadership capacity
Strategic Discomfort - Area into which we can stretch (e.g. speaking truth)
How many of us sleep on the floor so that we don't fall out of bed. - another Marshall's provocative statement
"I sensed that this is a lifeline for you."
@I want to invite people in for conversations around conflict transformation
Pathways to support liberation - July 23
Challenging narratives
When we're upset, we fall back to old narratives (enemy image, self judgment, the world is evil).
Most NVC people respond with empathy. This soothes, but keep the story the same.
You took responsibility for your own interpretation.
I care for you. AND I was there and I interpreted it differently. Here might be a liberation edge for you. Affirm your experience, without agreeing with your interpretation. Accept MY piece of responsibility.
Purpose pod: >=3 people coming together regularly to stay in touch with individual and NGL purpose
Sabina: I don't matter, needy, crying, I'm not worth it
Fox: get angry, caregiving as a pattern
Menaka: I get activated
=Go up the cascade
- Where's the place where you can change, something you can do?
- What's happening inside you that makes you think you can't do anything?
- What's the thought that leads you to run away?
- Do you have a good sense of what is actually true?
- Have you tried anything?
- Naming: Both of you are doing this, I don't know what to do.
Overcoming a vulnerability by putting on a strength to cover it. --> I go harsh when I'm tired.
Either I run away because I'm not wanted, or I fight against to assert myself.
=How does it feel to SEE that either/or?
=Can you remember a moment of blaming?
=Can you imagine speaking about YOURSELF, not them, with complete vulnerability.
"I'm experiencing separation" - still protective, "I want to be involved, this is painful for me" - more vulnerable
=What is it within you that keeps you from this vulnerability?
Easier to leave, don't have to deal. Walk towards softly, not walk towards on top of the pain, hiding it.
Vulnerability is the last choice. We lost vulnerability before we had a chance to express empathy to another.
=Do you know what makes a difference, why are you different with them?
=I just want honor and bow to you
Clarity about necessity of self-connection AND a mild disgust about how much ppl in Global North do it (you didn't use these words)
=We have self-connection as an intention, and how much and when we do it we can discern
=If what she said makes sense, resonates, totally new, etc. for you?
How much privilege it takes to do the work of self-connection?
Instead of thinking about feelings & needs, we think about the WHY behind it. In terms of bridging gaps, the WHY helps connection, making sense of each other.
Mapping ourselves in the systemic power grid allows tenderness for the impacts we navigate. So we can transform self judgement to self understanding.
=I want a snapshot. Is M accurate in saying you moved to caring for S? Knowing you a bit, you didn't do it from a place of choice. Do you think it serves S's liberation to do this?
=Can you imagine what this pattern believes it's doing? (Caring for everybody?) Did you notice it's not caring for her?
=In the moment, what do you think will happen if you don't care.
=Male training 101: DO NOT be with someone crying, fix it.
=because if you stayed, what would happen? (It might get intimate quick.)
=What is that like, when you're satisfied with how you responded?
=If I give you a magic wand, you would you like to show up?
=Can you ask M for support in those moments?
The systemic lens on autopilot is not better than empathy on autopilot.
=I want to zero in the issue, not the relationship statuses, and give you a step to try.
I'm looking for a way to BREAK THE TRANCE. Just F turning his gaze, instead of being preoccupied with how he responds
Knowing M, her wisdom will come in the moment, when she's put in the position of knowing and leadership, being asked for help.
=I have least trust & solidity to build on with you, so I'll need more from you.
=You and I have an open loop about this.
If I trusted that I matter, what would I do now?
In this moment, how is your trust level that you matters?
What gives you that trust - you named it that you want me to have space, that I have these people.
And yet with these same people you lose that sense of matter, how do you regain it?
This ongoing devaluation of your mattering isn't the truth of what is happening?
There actually isn't enough capacity to BE with you in all the times this is happening
You're creating conditions that leave people beyond capacity, it's tragic
What do you want WITHIN you, not around you
IF you had that sense of stability, trust in self, how would you react differently?
Pathway in a helpless situation that brings you an experience of POWER.
Whoever is with you, do any of you have an idea of what I can do right now that would be powerful?
I can't tell you how much I'm rooting for you to be powerful. You have so much talents, it's tragic you're losing capacity in these loops.
@Anger is power?
Gandhi said he'd rather train a violent person than a coward. I'd rather her have some impact, rather than stuck in powerlessness.
@Give her power.
@Ask someone what to do instead of doing it myself, don't fall there without choice.
@Be vulnerable that is is painful for me instead of walking over it.
There's always pockets of trust, where you can pull people together. The field may be low trust, but maybe you have a bit of trust somewhere.
Naming divergences settle the field.
I wasn't functioning in relational field (repair), but in liberation field (a step to free each up to move).
Reaction to a pattern holds it in place
Does this reveal an either/or?
Is it coming from outside or from inside you?
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