Day 1: Capacity Lens

Not make your life easier, but an unflinching invitation
There are places that have been in collapse for hundreds of year, some places are discovering
Togetherness is how we gain power. There is no individual solution to systemic problems.
I want to amplify that frequency/ We can't know each other in a group this size but still we can be together.
Thank you for coming here to be in silence.
My way of nourishing hope, to hear from people who haven't been with me before, from countries other than North America, Europe, Aus & NZ.
What is that special thing that you think I have, what do YOU want to bring to the world?
Is it okay for pushing this a little bit?
Not that personal relationship is important, or not a precondition, but this class is about service.
Where are you committing yourself to service.
I appreciate your honesty.
Coming together to create systemic change across differences, across power differentials
require us to learn, to do differently, practical, learnable skills & tools
"People who're in power cannot release themselves nor the oppressed. Only the oppressed can release both themselves and the oppressors."
We're trained to disconnect from ourselves in order to oppress others and not realize itself, it's easier for those with more self-connection.
Being a professional is a trap. Connect with others through vision and purpose, not take what society offers.
Without effort, you'll receive nourishment.

Why capacity matters

Deepest principle: aligning means and ends. Not control things to create a world of freedom.
Capacity lens is fastest track to compassion. Capacity is systemic and tender.
"Everybody is doing the very best they can." - We hear so much it has no meaning.
Instead of analyzing people in terms of what we think their commitments are. Release that knowing and only look as what they're doing in terms of their capacity.
Accept current capacity & Increase capacity at the same time.

Think: About someone who doesn't act according to what we believe in. Imagine the person has the same commitment as me, just not the capacity to do it. Let's think about something you're committed to and you don't do.
What's getting in the way of Khang integrating her commitment in practice?
Practice: When I see myself doing this wrong thing, I do a little redo AT THE SAME MOMENT IT HAPPENS. Over time I re-wire my brain.

I want to turn up volume. Not about erase judgment, you erase the life. Find a way to convey the FULLNESS of your commitment, fears, passion, etc. without the judgment.

What's the fear, if you did it? My hunch is you overwrote yourself, you overshoot your capacity.

Stay completely in our capacity, with just ONE BABY STEP beyond, until our limit. We're biological creatures. Notice & accept our current capacity without judging. My limitation is just a piece of info.

Patriarchy results from trauma that leads to detachment of biological capacity - immortality. We're not respecting life. As we're biological creatures, we're limited. Find alternative ways to say MY body - as if I and my body not the same. Speak of me AS a body. I am a body.

I noticed you wanted to say something, let me finish this.

Example: ... I get the picture. You think your sister said something to that person.
If a person is lying, and you believe them they're not lying, it's relaxing. You reduce the need to lie. Think of a time when you lied. 
- I was too tender. I couldn't speak it. I wanted to say the truth but I couldn't. We lie when telling the truth is unsafe.
What happens when you are unable to believer her. I lose trust.
Say that: I'm unable to believe her. That's staying within capacity lens. I know enough to know that I can't know, and that you may or may not be lying and I no way of knowing. We don't have the way to know. Even if the story is logically. I would like to. I'd do everything in my power to leave it there than to say that you're lying.

Our capacity includes both strengths and limitations. Patriarchal conditioning requires us to downplay our strengths and judge our limitations. Most of us are playing small.
Our nervous system evolved to notice change and motion.

How to feel the capacity that we have
Bring tenderness to ourselves and others. Move from world of judgment to world of information, what is possible, what is possible, what is possible. 
The only thing I'd add. What's the picture of something I really wants? Feel the gap to fill with mourning. 
Cycle - initial mourning - someone listens with empathy. When I have mission, I mourn again. Until I can envision a full future of life restored for all on earth.

Where is the place you've felt tenderness - an animal - and take it to others's experiences.
I have this limitation. That is just a fact. I so would love to ... and it's so sad that I don't have that capacity.
How do you judge yourself. Say what the actual judgment is. 
Thank you! And I hope you have support to take care of the spontaneous mourning that is coming from you.
I'm here to take care of my dreams.

Day 2: Needs Choreography

...we are socialized to believe that life starts from individuals who come together when they so choose.
  1. From 'Should's & Concepts' to Needs
    1. We usually speak from concepts, ideas of what should happen, demands
    2. What is it that you want? How can I support you? and NOT imposing MY will on you 
    3. The idea that one/ two parents can take care of all needs of a baby while still earning income is a terrible result of capitalism.
    4. "My child has a need that I cannot attend to." tears you up. It's easier to go to the story that "She doesn't really need this."
    5. Any needs we don't put in the table will mean that the whole system doesn't have enough information.
    6. Just putting the needs on without the other pieces won't guarantee results. 
  2. From 'Blame & Shame' to Impacts
    1. Name impacts without attributing intention
    2. Even if something's fair, and it's not possible (not enough resources & willingness) then it won't happen
    3. Many of us believe that others only change when they're made to feel uncomfortable
  3. From 'Fairness & Deserving' to Resources
    1. Keep asking what is possible for me in terms of resources, regardless of what I believe is fair.
  4. Make Decision
    1. Mutual influencing - Needs, Impacts, Resources
Choose to act from faith even if we don't have trust. A core element of nonviolence is the willingness to act if even in the absence of evidence.

Punto Zero, Chile - Life is arranged to care for all that lives, through an endless flow of resources & energy. Life is the constant rearranging of everything in the union of all volitions. Volitions = choice, will, desires. 

If that isn't clear, I can say it in another way.
I losing thread of how your story is connected to... although I'm enjoying the story.
Take what works, leave the rest.

When we couldn't put my needs on the table
Easy to judge the other person and not see our need below
Where's your heart in that? Soften.
Effectiveness, Contribution = Outwards. Acceptance = still outward.
Tight energy.
What's important to me about acceptance?
Which word has more vibrancy & resonance?
Take a need that has charge for you.

My need for play is not met. - sad
I have a need for play. - joyful
When someone had an impact... How you could have expressed it without the protection? Uncouple the impact from intention
When you say "What", I think you're disrespecting me and only cares about yourself, you always assume that I judge you. I'm sad because I do want to see you as a good person. I want to be safe around you. I recoil, I feel cold and tense. I so want warmth and tenderness. 
The impact on you is your patience is stretched beyond your capacity/ willingness. Not because of him.

Imagine releasing anything any sense of "allowed to, should, ...". Needs just are.

Would you wash the dishes? is easier than Would you wash the dishes I washed them yesterday.
Always accept that Tho have the intention, but not capacity. Always an invitation, not forcing.
Take the situation: What are the needs, impact, resources? All of that, how do we move towards solution?
Individual capacity grows when there is collective capacity.

Day 3: Power

  1. Trust in ourselves
    1. My existence (needs & impact) matters even when we lack trust from the outside
    2. My contribution (resources) matters even when we lack trust that ours won't be well received
    3. Accept my limitations and still name what I see and add to the emerging picture. "Who are you to do this?" - "I'm the one who's willing," we humbly answer.
  2. Trust in others
    1. Care even when others don't
    2. Make myself available to to be influenced by what people say
    3. Disagreements & gaps in preferences are not causes of conflict, only lack of trust & capacity
    4. Ask for support, show my needs to tap in others' goodwill
    5. Explicitly & frequently invite others to consider solutions that work for all
  3. Trust in flow of life
    1. Generosity anywhere increases generosity everywhere
    2. Scarcity, separation and powerlessness are human-made and can be dismantled with sufficient creativity & willingness to embrace interdependence
Dialogue - the willingness to be changed
"Dialogue is a conversation... the outcome of which is unknown." - Martin Buber
  1. Invite 
    1. express purpose in the fewest, least charged words + 
    2. ask for willingness to engage (accept 'no')
  2. Intention
    1. Stay with the intention until the loop is closed: speak so that they experience the appreciation I have for them, so that they understand their impact on me, so that they can relax into trusting that we're aligned in our goals
    2. Speak the most truth with the most care
  3. Units of meaning
    1. Minimum words in each unit
    2. Consciously pausing a bit between each unit
    3. Check with others that the meaning was received without impact on our capacity to continue
  4. Connection requests
    1. Don't jump from solution needs (order) to connection needs (can you do this) without checking for connection first
  5. Listen to others
    1. Imagine a charitable intention
    2. Express what is arising in us in a way that aims to contributes to connection while keeping energy focus on the other person (offer appreciations, show where we are moved)
Exercise 1: Connect with needs
  1. This afternoon when mom says "You must use a better laptop to achieve work effectiveness."
  2. Either I give into mom and live wastefully, or I stick to my noble frugality.
  3. Why can't you see I'm doing my best to live up to the highest principles? Need for meaning, that my life isn't wasted, then I can have inner peace.
  4. My mom needed to care for me, to see my comfort. To feel at peace with herself, that her life has meaning.
Exercise 2: Shift from demands to requests
  1. I want to drink vitamin whenever I want to, not immediately after mom tells me so.
  2. Autonomy: not be influenced --- I can make a study and draw my own decision on what food helps.
  3. Respect: why don't you ask what I want? --- Can you ask me what I want first?
  4. Safety: don't get mad at me --- Breathe and know things are okay.
  5. If I give in and I get better, when she's right and I'm wrong. I want to be right. I want to be appreciated. Getting better really is not decisive whether it IS because of that vitamin or not. And I HATE it when people use pseudoscience, though I'm guilty of the same. I want a release, a spaciousness, a gentleness in holding opposite opinions and I'm afraid I will not get that. Spaciousness, equanimity, live and let live. Ease. --- Ask, if it works, or if it doesn't, can we just continue trying to accord with life conditions?
  6. I don't want to be taken advantaged of, being advertised as a "success case", a proponent for a product whose lifestyle I don't endorse. I don't want to endorse any commercial products. I only want my name to be used to advertise high ideals of Buddhism? No, I'm not even there. I don't want to be used to sell anything. I want people to make their own decision based on their own experience. I don't want to be responsible for influencing anyone. I endorse moderation & clear-headed-ness. But I also endorse commitment to self-contemplation? I want to be safe. I can't bear libels. I'm afraid of being known to endorse anything, because I've been wrong in the past? I want to be seen for who I truly am, with all the complexity and confusion. I want authenticity. Liberty to admit I'm wrong after I'm done experimenting. --- Ask, if I change my mind, would you be mad? Would you not tell people that I'm better because of this? I can't control what she says or doesn't say. If I tell people, I don't really trust in it, can we still treasure this relationship? Can I trust our bond is far deeper on your sales on a product?
3. Shifting from agreement to empathy 
a.  Think of a situation in which you have or are likely to give up your needs in deferene to 
someone else’s request, expression of distress, or outright demand.  
 What’s leading you to make this choice? Identify any needs underneath the thoughts or 
feelings that arise, and make full contact with the needs. 
 
c.  Do you have full access to trusting that your own needs matter? If not, imagine someone 
else who loves you – may be the person in the relationship you are exploring, or anyone 
else in your life whose care you fully trust – and how that person would want you to hold 
your own needs. 
 
d.  What do you imagine are the needs of the other person that lead them to act in the way 
they do? How might you respond to these needs in some way other than to take action to 
meet them? 
 
4.  Asking for everything and always telling the truth in response to requests 
a.  What’s something you haven’t felt sufficient trust or courage to ask for?  
  
b.  How might you develop the courage, vulnerability, and trust to ask this of the other 
person? 
 
c.  What helps you say no to a request you don’t want to fulfill? 
 
d.  What might help you trust that the person would feel free to say no to you? 

Needs Choreography in a Fractured World - Miki Kashtan's Learning Packet pg 22


From Conflict to Dilemma

  1. Needs that shape my behavior (e.g. pulling away from connection)
  2. Needs that are hidden in my interpretations of others
  3. Assume innocence
  4. Choose what to express
    1. I want to be understood (needs within conflict, even when others not ready to hear)
    2. Make our holding visible (my intention to care for the whole, no matter how much I want my own needs met, how much I want YOU to orient towards my needs, I'm fully committed to doing the same for you)
    3. Offer appreciation (needs related to care for the other person)
    4. Offer acknowledgment (self-responsibility - yes this is my share in this mess)
    5. Offer feedback (only when less charge, offered as gift, e.g. what's the impact on us)
  5. Choose our connection request
    1. Yes/ No easier than open-ended
    2. Calibrate for a yes: e.g. Not "Do you trust my care" but "My gut tells me that we haven't come to a place where you trust that I care enough for your needs. Is that true?"
Facilitation
  1. Diagnosis: totality of translating everything into observational, behavioral & need-based
  2. Denial of responsibility: immense tenderness for experience of feeling choiceless
  3. Demand: dangerous to reframe, better to remind the demand-er of how important their request is
  4. Deserve thinking: has long been used as best approximation for flow of resources --> name the needs & what specifically is being pointed to in terms of use of resources
  5. Discounting: care & clarity

Needs Choreographer: Support self & others to put needs, resources, impacts on the table
Not what is fair, but what is possible: Simple and Excruciating
Something is fair but not possible
You don't have to do anything. Are you willing to step into what's in your capacity to do?

People just aren't aware.
Fair - justice. Justice: fair share, take responsibility, honor power differentials. If we do all these things, what we have at the end? Harmonious music?
Why these words were invented, why I'm suspicious. They were invented in separation. When they use fairness and connection is evoked. Versus I want us to care fore everyone's needs here. Fairness rests on the assumption that you don't care about me.
Fairness is caring for everyone's needs.
Justice is caring for everyone's needs when someone's needs haven't been cared for.
We do not need to do anything about extreme poverty. We eliminate extreme wealth and extreme poverty will take care of itself.
If I have less power, but if my heart opens to the more powerful, my liberation moves forward.
Liberation: see capacity & humanity of people who're oppressing.

Reserved culture (dominant)
Expressive culture (oppressed) = expressive is seen as immature
High-need babies are annoying in reserved culture. High-need babies survive more. Sooth your soul when you're sensitive.
Discern - where to put your limited energy to have most impact. Not think about how big you must be.

State is a fiction. Specific people in positions with access to army and money. State is a set of agreement.
They represent something that doesn't exist. They think they don't matter. You build on moment of human connection.
They couldn't go to their human place. The moral pain is too extreme.
The only reason why one person oppress others is because inside them they're cut off from their humanity.
Simply Violence - our deadly epidemic and its causes. Soul murder - their dignity affected to a degree that they can't find nonviolent means to meet needs.
Every act of violence is an attempt to recreate justice.
1. Build connection 2. Mass movement of nonviolent action (not possible for comfort nations, liberal democracy) = Gap of deep spiritual wall between people. Take your chances rather than doing the expected.

Instead of focusing on your frustration. In your story, they're doing it willfully. 
Relationship with someone addicted to drugs. They got mad at me for asking for something life and death.
Drug robs us of choice. They were exposed to lack of choice. They wanted to care for me. But they had no choice. 
Tell ourselves a story that made sense of the other person without making them a villain.
I'm wondering if you can offer me an acknowledgement of how deep the impact on me is when you...

Anti-vaccine: Assumed to be emotional, not having considered all facts.
Pro-vaccine: Assumed to be played by the state, not having rationality.
You need to contact people who're like you. You need a place to rest.
Just breathe (when the person wants to say more). While you're breathing, I want to let you know we only need to take on what we have capacity for. We either take on less, or strategically increase our capacity.
We stand for choice, across that divide. Look at that image helps us to mourn.

What you do with what the other say?
If people change their mind, it's because of connection not information.
When you ask for references, 
Be that person. I can't do role-play. Okay, say the line, we'll find someone else to role play.
Have you tried reflecting to them what matters to them?
Tariq Massarani. Not fall into understanding is agreement.
I think differently from you. Given what you think, I imagine ... is important to you. OR I don't believe we're going to agree on this, we have such gap, but I believe we can understand and stay connected. If we're divided the right will be very happy...
Do you have a question you want to be in dialogue with? I don't need information right now.

Mourn the impact. Do you WANT to understand? There is no have-to ...
How can a friend endanger a friend? 

Connection Request - microscopic steps in conversation
We only as far as we can go together. May not be as far as I or you would like.

We think a lot about what we want to say not what we want to hear back from people.
  • Did I lose you already, or can I say one more thing?
  • I'm wondering if anything I said, is new info?
  • If you hear anything as say as criticism?
  • Anything judgment you have towards me right now?
Do you think I'm too much of an idealist because of what I believe? Is anything I said new to you? Do you feel upset with me right now? Do you have any wish for me to change my way right now?

Point to info we want to have. Explain why I'm asking.
We've back and forth at this convo 3 times, I don't have a sense we're understanding each other. If you tell me what you heard me say I'll settle and I'll know where the gap is

Thank you, I appreciate the explanation (why cannot turn on camera)
Learn all the skills, choreographer factory, to catapult us
As least 3 people, because any glitch between the 2 both goes down

Not a big believer of definition, but where you put your energy into. The act of caring for everyone.
I'm sorry to interrupt you, but at the end I want people to be super brief, one thing you're taking with you.


Gandhi Movie

Southern Africa 1983
Charlie Andrews
Jan Christian Muts
I'm prepared to die, but no cause for
They cannot take my self-respect 
It will hurt but we may not lose. They'll have my dead body not my obedience.
Come what may we will not submit to this law.

Bombay India 1915

1316 people killed 1650 bullets
6 years prision Amritsar
Porbardean
Dharasana Salt Works
Noakhali
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  1. Capitalism leans on and reinforces illusions of wealth creation, of scarcity, of abundance, of philanthropy, progress, freedom, social mobility, meritocracy, jobs as solution, a better future, and the presence of no alternative.

  2.  



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