Hearing & Saying No - Rodger Sorrow

"Con người trở nên thân thiện hơn sau khi nói không 21 lần." - Tập huấn bán hàng

Một lời nói "không" luôn là lời mời gọi đối thoại sâu hơn.

• Họ đang nói có với điều gì? (Khi ta tập trung vào cảm xúc và nhu cầu của người khác, ta sẽ ít bị kích động bởi những gì họ nói và có thể hiện diện nhiều hơn.)
• Ta có thể khám phá ra rằng chúng ta cảm thấy hài lòng và biết ơn vì nhu cầu cởi mở, trung thực, chân thực đang được đáp ứng.

3 bước để nói không

1) Kết nối với nhu cầu của người khác

2) Kết nối với nhu cầu đang ngăn cản bạn nói "CÓ"

3) Đưa ra một yêu cầu được thiết kế để giúp đáp ứng cả nhu cầu của bạn và nhu cầu của người khác.

1. Think of someone to whom you have a hard time saying "NO". It can be a friend, your child, your boss, or anyone else. Who is this person, and what are they requesting of you?

2. Self Empathy: What needs are you trying to meet? What's preventing you from saying "YES" to their request?

3. What needs of theirs are being expressed in the request? Empathy

4. Honest Expression: Share what needs you are hoping to meet around this situation.

5. What would you like to request at this point

Saying No

@My boss. Asked me to help her sustain her business. I'm glad now that we're no longer working together, I have fewer "should's".

People asks me things on the group chat, and I solve their questions first before solving my own issues.

She wanted partnership, shared responsibility. I wasn't ready, I wasn't invited from the start and felt like I didn't have enough agency to move and change things to fit my needs, so partnership is a sham unless I push for my needs.

I want to support and contribute to you in a way that doesn't leave me exhausted and resentful. I want to give from joy.

@Maybe your husband, when he invites you to go out, just want To know about you, where you are? And your honest no, saying you're sad, that already fulfilled that need.

Check-in circle: 

I was irritated and worried to see my partner flicking through different screens. 

K: "I assume you are searching for something on the internet, you can take time out to finish that and we can go back to talk." 

S:"Are you upset?". 

K: "I think you're making an effort to talk to me, and I hope you can put full attention to finish that task."
S: "I am not making an effort at all. I'm just signing into the class. Have you signed in? I feel like I'm being managed."

K: "I did. I want to have your full attention."

Jackal show: I feel upset. She come at me. She was clearly distracted. Yet she still stick her neck out and try to defend herself that she can listen. What kind of therapist does this?

Observation:

(1) She browses tab.

(2) She said I feel like I'm being managed.

Feelings, Needs, Requests:

(1) I feel slighted. Upset. Angry. Thought: "She should give me full attention."

I want connection. Safety.

I was afraid when I told her the first sentence. She's older, more experienced. I wanted safety. Respect, which I believe I wasn't getting.

==> Full attention is important to me, connection is the only thing that matters, especially when I'm not here to learn the expected content. I already feel so hard to maintain my attention. I judge myself a lot for being distracted. I so want a world where we connect deeply. That is my only salvation. I'm failing myself and I need help. And I'm scared when everything spins out and I don't have enough energy to pull things back in.

I feel better after writing this.

(2) I feel stung. I tried my best, why are you still upset? I feel ashamed that I said something that was "nice" and "weasley", trying to be sweet, trying to suggest the other person do something. Like last time, "that was great, why don't you say it in the breakout?". That niceness is icky for me. Honesty is such a core value in my life.

And here I was, being with someone whom I don't yet feel safe about. e.g. Later when she told me "This is what I do all day, teaching adult boundaries and I language", I feel tired, tuned out, here we go again. And there's still a small part that tries to appreciate her effort to contribute/ help me.

I appreciate the line she taught me a lot though: "Could we talk about some ways to make this work for both of us? What's going on over there for you?"

I recoiled. Yes, she spoke the darker truth of my soul beneath the niceness. I did judge her. I did want her to change her behavior. And I tried to couch it in a way that put my "care for her needs on top" when I haven't empathized for myself fully and didn't really empathize for her.

I wanted attention. I want to be safe, to be agreed with, to be seen as a caring, reasonable, empathetic person. I wanted harmony.

I believe when she said that, she wanted autonomy. What she does with her time is her choice. She wanted trust, that she cares about me. She wanted honesty. She wanted acceptance, that this is how she is in the moment, this is all the attention she can muster. She wanted real connection with me, too. When she asked, "Are you upset?", she wanted to hear the upset, she smelled it. And me not saying the truth put a distance between us. Trust that she can take the truth.

Request:

What I did in the session was being honest. "I wanted to quickly say thank you for saying these things, and at the same time I am sad that my tendency to cover up my truth backfires, creates distance when what I wanted was connection."

I asked, "Were you upset when you think you were being managed?" S said, "I wasn't upset, I was uncomfortable." I'm grateful we reached a deeper level of truth.

I wish next time I could practice. I feel uncomfortable. I really want full connection in the little time we have.

@When I asked my S to have a video call with me, she said no and only wanted to text, while I know she watches youtube while texting me.