RTTC 2024 Feb - Mar

Trust & Strength-based Leadership Feb 10, 2024

=Make this a place that shows the bouquet of human experience, not where people are selectively heard.

OUR ATTACHMENT TO SAFETY RESULTS FROM THE LOST OF TRUST

Every baby has complete and total self trust, unless there was trauma before birth. They are born knowing very clear what they want.

Birds fly. They know a freedom our domesticated selves never know. And their life is precarious. We cannot have freedom AND safety. Life entails killing. All living beings eat each other.

=I'm ready to summarize and move on. If it's important to you to bring whatever additional peace there is, then bring it.
=I don't hold attachment to people agreeing.

=How comfortable for you to be in a place where there are opinions different from you?

When we step into leadership, we move from focus on our own needs to care for the whole. 

We tend to care less if others don't care. To shift this, if others don't care, then we care more.

Leadership myths:

1. We must have certain qualities to lead.
2. If we have some limitations of any kind, we need to change, improve first before leading.
1. Orient my kind of leadership to the strengths I have.
2. We all have limitations. We compensate not by self-improvement but create something OUTSIDE of me to care for that limitation.
3. Heads of States are not leaders, though they have power & authority. You can have zero power but still have leadership & others trust in your authority.

Breakout: Connect with your strengths

=Are you hoping that someone else would know what to do?

• Curtis Miller: who's energetically invested, assists others who aren't; reframe complex ideas using simple metaphors -- Anti trafficking, youthwork
• Dr.Mark Friedman (Avon): non-judgment, courageous, consistencies
• Rianne: identify cracks that obstruct flow, pinpoint challenges in collaboration between people
• Khang: humor, a lot of energy for completing tasks, tracking multiple threads; @scared to be alone w white men, they speak and think very fast, I think I'm left behind and they judge me. Mark said If you showed up with more femininity, we would be equally excited. I name my perception, and others help to dispel my perception.
• Slow: You've seen me able to track needs when I'm facilitating, but I lose that when I do planning/ logistics. So please track their needs and inform me.
• What do you see in me that makes you trust me?
• Continue to be be with my humanness with warmth. Open to letting my enemies' need.
• shifting just to be accepted

We're doing something subversive when talking about our strengths.

=How do you see yourself using this strength in your leadership?

=You're not the first person to do it today, but I want to ask you to rephrase what you said without any special terms.

“The choice people have to make is never between slavery and freedom. We will always have to choose between slavery and the unknown.” — Rachel Naomi Remen.

From Limitations to Interdependence - Feb 17, 2024

=You cannot ask me whether you can do something

=Who would you be reflecting for, for you or for me? If you're confident you understood me, I don't need to hear the reflection. Only when I'm unsure you got me, then I'll ask.

=I have a sense energetically that you're holding your energy within you are not spilling it. 

=be very clear about what it is that you want. 

=I'm wondering if the appreciations are helping you settle in any way?

I didn't know how to manage that moment as a human being before being a facilitator 

• I don't know if it is or isn't true that you are experiencing separation for me. I am picking up separation from you. And it's very difficult for me in this moment in front of a large group and I need support to know how to navigate this and I'm going to ask someone to support me in this moment. 
• That's what I wish I had done.  Instead, I tried to manage it on top of this. 
• awareness of our weak links and to be prepared to be vulnerable about them without letting go of holding 

to increase connection:

1. path of vulnerability - while still coholding

2. ask for support.

3. orient to the other person and do what we know to do to receive them

=tenderness is mushier than empathy, that's why I prefer it. Taboo in tenderness.

=For me this is enough. Donna & Monica, if you think you have something that hasn't been said that you think would be significant to simply say it. I can't know, you need to decide.

=I appreciate the appreciations, but that's different from my question about "How I'm holding my limitations"

• I'm holding my limitation as a piece of information that's very useful for me and others to know. Be relaxed about our limitations, acknowledge, not judge myself, not judge others when they bring them up. Doctors are sued less when they admit mistake (source).
• All of us will die with our limitations
• Our limitations, if we treat them well, will force us into a relationship of Interdependency: asking people to help compensate
• Bay NVC decided it's important to work in schools. Miki limitation - I identify too much with children, horrified when hearing from adults. But I need several seconds to recover, and the adults felt disconnection. Cannot work with mainstream teachers. I don't want to change this limitation.
• Which of them we're going to try to change, which we're not. This is not part of my life purpose. 2015 - Miki (59yo) closed the chapter of self-improvement. Work on things when they come up and hinder me from carrying out my purpose. 
• There's nothing in me that in some fundamental ways is worse than anyone who has ever lived.

Disqualifying limitations? --> Your language in my ears is quite harsh. First step is to change it: limitation really interferes with what I want to do. Really mourn it. If you mourn enough, sometimes that opens up creative pathways to work with or around the limitations.

Do you have an idea to save the world that you want people to buy into? You're still talking on the relational plane.

• Release this in myself, deprioritize.
• Compensate (let machine tell me what to do).

You don't how to make requests. You cannot be an effective advocate for your cause.

Wanting is not an issue, the issue is how you relate to your desire, and how you tolerate or not when your wanting doesn't materialize.

• This is very hard to compensate for. Have someone around to say Joel you're angry. I'm wondering if your anger is an expression of the depths of your pain, about just how much trash there is in the world, and that it's so unbearable for you that it's super hard to actually stay with the pain. And so you get up cover it with anger. Is that what's going on Joe?

@I get lost in tasks. I need someone to pull me out. ==> I lose energy.

@Money: huge constriction. I scrimp. Do irrational things just to not spend. ==> I want myself & my family to live in community, live in consciousness, live in compassionate giving & receiving.

@Lose tenderness when mom is angry (-get scared), sister is angry (-get reactive). Ask for help from them before similar moments.

@My limitation is I get constricted (fear/anger/defensive) when my family members are upset, or when money topics come up. I already had empathy buddy calls, and told the group to (a) tell me when they see my constriction (b) announce to the group that we're going down the rabbit hole. Both my family and team members have not been able to do this. Miki suggested we do 3 rounds of everyone saying STOP! just to break the taboo of disrupting a conversation.

Miki's VM

Lev Freedman: Memory issue. Decision making - quadripal Libra.

Claudia Marchand: Flight, witness it when it's happening. When I'm feeling timid vs brave. 

Annika Lonak: Set a timer, when it rings just stop. Leave it. Don't "try to wrap up".

Laura: Abolitionist vegan activist. Respect the personhood of animals.

Linda Conroy: Look for someone who has similar vision, and can track individual needs.

Janie Banfield: Quakers in New Zealand - start a group Speak Peace.

Thank you Danni for giving so much energy every time I show up. Just the thought of you these days bring me strength. 🙂

.

We just keep talking until there is nothing left but the obvious truth.

integrative epistemology - knowledge that comes from collective wisdom

4 prevailing colonial paradigms: science, economics, politics and religion. Each operates on a lie.

• science: don't trust your subjective, bodily widom
• economics: scarcity
• politics: you're powerless

If we're in self-doubt, we cannot step into humility.

I think I try to be humble, but it's actually my self-doubt. --> Tune into my internal sense

How to talk to people who prioritize objective, scientific view?

• They also value bodily autonomy, they just value something else MORE.
• Joe Biden "I want to be a president of all people, not just those who agree with me," which is inconsistent with "I will create COVID task force". I wished he could've said "I'll create a panel including people who believes and don't believe in vaccines, to get the bottom of the truth and find a way forward that work for all."

It's easy for people to forget that I remain open to shifting my position.

Charles Barkley always says “I could be wrong, but I doubt it”. :)

When people disagree with me, they want me to agree with them/ engage in conversation. I'm okay with NOT talking across differences in opinions, because that doesn't change anything.

@Be tentative about my conclusions, because you can't know.

I can't know if I can do it or not.

Carolyn: island community SE Alaska

@I really want to understand you, and at the same time I'm concerned about the group.

@ 

=You learnt something from that reflection that you didn't know when you went in

Engage instead of overpower, 

=I'm really concerned about starting an exploration when it's so close to the end.

Just know that I want you to have companionship in looking at what came up for you.

From Limitations to Interdependence - Mar 2, 2024

IMPACT DIGESTION

• Hold you tender
• Gain clarity on what meaning you make of the stimulus. Since we have patriarchal conditionings, we do meaning-making that is within separation & mistrust.
• Discern if feedback is beneficial

POWER DISTRIBUTION

• HUGE amount of empowerment
• People know & trust they have gifts. Yet they need to be empowered to live and show and act upon those gifts.
• We err in both directions of over-trusting & under-trusting. Over-trust: 

HOLDING

• I recently have clarity about a task/project.
• Holding is when I say "I got this, you can depend on me for details & the big picture of the task/project." Mental load, there's part of my attention that's run the background: I think about this from beginning to end, what's needed, what might happen, what will be the impact.
• Tracking
• Part of male training is about not-tracking
• Go to market to buy milk = not holding
• Notice that there is almost no milk left = holding
• Willing to track everything even if others don't
• Energetic presence
• Purpose (North Star/ Southern Cross)
• Recognize & orient to need, what's needed NOW, NOW, NOW. Shifting towards being in the collective needs at the moment (my need is not at the center, also not gone/sacrificed).
• There's no holding of the collective responsibility that we have as humanity for life. We're a young species, we need to steward life.
• Shuffle your bum/ I love everybody game: Someone came to the center and say "General Manager of the Universe". Some people got up and change their seats.
• =This is not about knowing, this is about taking a risk. There is no riskless action in life. I'm open to whatever your intuition makes sense. I don't want you to put that decision on me.
• All humans want to be held if it's done well
• Orient to the whole from a place of care, release any kind of attachment - different from Emotional hypervigiliance
• If holding is something you do alone, you'll run out of capacity. We must ask for support.
• We can hold something alone for years, and then finally the right people show up. We take ourselves seriously. Empowering ourselves.
• Can you help him to win the lottery? - Would you tell him to buy the ticket? 
• Mourning to clear the way towards vision: “If we don’t fill the gap between vision and capacity with tears, we will fill it with violence, towards ourselves or towards others.” Miki Kashtan 
• I have an inertia of disintegration, alienation. I 

@I feel tired and alone when people don't share the holding. I feel resentful when I think others are not holding as much as they should.

@I watch my sister - she hated it. I reminded, and let go of what she does in the end.

Hold vs Make things happen, anxiety in me, resistance in others

Hold the emotional & the operational

@Hold the weight of my humanity, not put it on the self (sacrifice a part of me in holding others at work). 

@Increase capacity to be vulnerable. I still have a lot of conditioning. I judge myself for asking for help, for not saying the right/smart/ new things, for being selfish.

Donna: Holding doesn't include leadership, not work towards a particular end result. Just hold it there for some time later.

Poppy: Carry a casket of a family member, pallbearer, work through sadness through our own muscular effort & ritual, collectively keeping balance, reverence. There are moments of solidarity & camaraderie, yet not really everyone together.

Linda: Tracking, attunement - women are socialized into these skills

From Limitations to Interdependence - Mar 9, 2024

IMPACT DIGESTION

This is not about you. This is just how much I want people to rise to the occasion.

Middle manager lead by oppression & position because it's their mechanism of security.

=="Mission Impossible": Orient to these people as their allies. Specific & rigorous practices.

• Come up with the most charitable theory of why they do what they do (If you say "you're doing this for security" they'll take it as an insult.)
• Not exactly "find their good intention", you're going to to shift from "they're protecting some self-interest". It doesn't matter if it's not true, if you shift their thinking, you'll shift the relationship, stop intensifying their adversarial behavior, not thought determine reality new-agey, but really relational dynamics. In the moment that they do this thing that you call 'bullying', what do they care about, what piece of purpose they're holding, what's their vision, what values are driving them? Go to their vision!
• "When you say X, was that because [charitable explanation]?"
• If you do that consistently after a few weeks, you'll become a confidante. Once they come to you to bitch about other people, you've gained their trust.
• ---> "Let's see what this other person care about..."
• Remember the conversation we had three weeks ago when we realize together how much you care about delivering quality health care. I have thought about it. And I have some ideas about what you can do from your position that might be more effective than what you've done so far, to get that quality health care that you care so much about.
• They have goals that are not meant to just promote themselves. Their goals contribute to a shared vision too.
• =You'll go great distance before you say "I cannot do this", that's why I'm giving you a hard task.

The purpose of the work is something you subscribe too, and the actual work isn't fulfilling.

• When we try to function outside of patriarchal grooves, we need a Strong will, we constantly use executive function (decision making, integrating, etc.) = take up a lot of calories. It's scary, we don't know what we're doing, we're afraid of the consequences.

In the name of efficiency, control & standardization, the way that healthcare is guaranteed to provide little health, little care at high cost. When there're rules, creativity atrophies.

Berenika (Portugal): so hard to notice & shift pattern in living experiment, and it's the only thing worth doing

Riane Eisler - dominator model

comforting, systemic harm that's perpetuated everywhere, it's not just your lack of capacity, 

• Don't make "ease & flow & mindfulness" a requirement. Find 
• You have so much ease within patriarchal world, think you have flow, but the fact is you're extrative, costing others, when you have access to resources & you're not from a group that's phenotypically & culturally othered.
• Maybe the group need to to hear from me.
• The tears that you shed become the shoulder for me to lay my head on and cry.

@I need time & space to empathize for Loc & Thong & Dave. I can cut the clip and make into a short report.

@I need to get through my block that I shouldn't 

Lois Einhorn - forced to 

Einhorn Lois 1@gmail

6073074941

7576481

Colmeia 62 community project in Mafra (45min from Lisbon). You can check our website if you are curious to know more : www.colmeia62.org. You can  contact me directly sandra.bedigis@gmail.com or +33 652 54 32 69

From Limitations to Interdependence - Mar 17, 2024

=I want to prioritize

@I'm here for what? I struggle with my addiction.

I expect more people. I get sad when there are so few people. I am so sad I don't have enough energy to do all the things I should be doing.

I asked for support and it worked.

I asked for support and it "didn't" work.

She asked me to try saying STOP 3 rounds in a group. And it never surfaced. We're doing a kind of meeting that zoom by so very fast. No time for sense making.

Squarely back into my leadership. What kind of change do I want to create? I get so afraid. I haven't cleaned my laundry. But I want to help, I will spare no measure to help that person.

I feel so hollowed out?

People-pleasing. I resigned and then I got better and I took on jobs and I died.

You'll be doing this when you have 10 more therapies or whatever. What do I really want to do with my life. 

Regress?

Just one interaction recently that I saw how awkward I feel. I cover my breast. I don't want to be seen as feminine.

Leina: When I take myself seriously, then others did too.

=As we talk, notice the energy of our words and send it to the person. Try to fully send my words. A simple material way to take myself seriously. We often talk but just closes within ourselves. The others have to take an effort. 

Shame, fear. I evade all the time. Taking my limitations seriously, without shame.

I notice how I act cold towards waiters that smile too big. I smile a lot.

All of these are not close to home. I'm addicted. I learn all of this and I still fall off to the side. I learn of this Buddhist shit and I still get sidewayed. It's horrifying. Neverending. And the word porn addict is so strong, it's so far removed from all the identities I want for myself. I don't want to justify.

Again, it's so horrifying that these materials are so readily available for free.

What's within my sphere of influence? Hold on to my children.

• I get so tired from being with children. I want to open up to them about my addiction, what I'm trying to do with it.
• I congratulate myself that I'm getting help. Update group: U not ready. If it's easier, this can be bulletin board, and you can respond to me privately. It's very weak.
• I want to support Bo. How to get her in the fold? She can observe how we brainstorm, how we come up with a flow?
• I don't want my addiction to define myself.
• I'm in the pattern of "I don't want to trouble you, even though I'm hungry. I keep downplaying my needs. Why don't you trust me? Why do you think my material needs is more important?" I'm upset that you never hear me out. That I don't need this. Do you hear me? That I think you suffer. I don't trust her in the first place. When she says she's okay. I don't trust her. And the same. I choose to trust people at face value. And choose to ask: Are you afraid to tell me that you're tired? To get out of this spiral I need to get out of it.

Department of Peace: Only Democrats at the start. They have the same access to Republicans. But you didn't realize

Coming to peace within yourself that you didn't have the capacity to fight.

=Within sphere of influence (people who : How we frame our struggles? What roles we take on?

=Who's within your sphere of influence? Can you be specifics? Talk the things NOT "about" the things?

=What do I want them to do? What's my picture? E.g. Hotel could create a package for tourists to come and learn about history of colonization & what they can do to shift relationship to the local.

=Projects within RTTC. Invite others to join.

Tourism is not actually acknowledged as colonisation. But branded as "we're giving locals job". In order for locals to NEED job, we have to strip them of all the ways they're able to live just fine before Europeans came.

=I want to explain why the mistrust comes back. This link is thin, weak, isolated. Everything around them reinforces another message.

Epistemological crisis: If this thing is true, then everything that I've ever believed isn't true. That's TOO MUCH restructuring I need to do. Crumbling that happened. We cannot expect others to do it.

If we stretch people beyond what they can sustain, they will revert

sustain togetherness, only go 3% within what they can, baby steps.

@Now I know why I revert. I go too far.

All ages collaboration 

Can't come for global structural 

=I'm very good at bridging in, making what we're doing understandable, create steps for people to walk towards it if they're willing. If they're not willing, I'm so bad at bridging out. I have the connection but I couldn't make them useful. Huge mourning about this huge limitations.

illusion-busting about me

Diversity Training: people invariably don't want to go to. How many people work up today singing and dancing about the topic today? = micro-trust-building. How to build bits of micro-trust to compensate for this being involuntary.

Acknowledgements are HUGE at creating trust.

Give them the magic wand. Say things you want that will make your work life better. (NOT just within this time.) Divide them into things we cannot do here. One group depends on others changing, one depends on what WE can change.

Whatever we do, we lead from within this awareness.

If the only lens is a moral lens, then it will not work. People won't buy it.

How is it actually serving the entire population, not just the currently disadvantaged.

What kind of questions? Don't bring an LA-NY paradigm to hit Wyoming on the head

Acknowledge: I'm here from Diversity Council. I don't want tyou to feel like being hit over the head. What exactly are your reactions when you hear the word DEI?

Hold it within myself. Regardless of what's it's called (DEI, etc.), within my heart it's global liberation for all. What's the biggest step we can take? Whatever we do, we cannot alleviate some's suffering by traumatizing others. Little by little figuring it out.

Whenever peo