Habits of Under-mobilizing - Jul 6

I was 19yo and conscripted
A woman was raped in Mahattan, she was screaming for hours. 30+ people heard, but no one called polilce. People believed someone else is better skilled to do this.
Infinite willingness, limited capacity

I don't have capacity to orient 
We're so focused to avoid over-mobilize, we don't allow ourselves to be pulled into anything. We sit & rest.

Monica: We're in fear, reaction and thus don't mobilize

Thinking that we're honoring capacity limits, while we're actually under-mobilizing and under reaction 
= Here's so easy to get into shame if you do less than saving the world. When you choose to out yourself in the limelight, is an act of service.
=Is there any particular thought that you're afraid ppl will think about you?
"Yes, ppl'l say I'm wrong, should have done more" 
=How precious for a whole group to be in silence while one person touches fear". We're all here with you, not forever, but right now. =I don't want ppl to have a sense of wellbeing from a fantasy.
=Tell me what comes up when you slow down
= What is in that choice not to touch the deeper layer?
"Fear that it's something I can't handle"
=You stay in the fear to not get to the the fear. Very tragic.
=We never have patterns for no good reason. There's a very good reason for you to circle around the pain, to under-mobilize.
Do you have a sense of what you're caring for when you under-mobilize
Is it in the area of wanting your life to be comfortable, manageable? What does safety look like? Don't let it be a catch all that doesn't describe anything.
Now we're touching something that's more real & vulnerable. Something about belong & continuity of relationship.
I do something wrong, and they'll walk away. Can you give me an example of when you did something wrong and they walked away, NOT in childhood.
Can I describe something that did happen? Yes!
I'm not looking for roots. I'm not trying to do therapy. I'm trying to find a pathway to understanding pathways and patterns, and possibly a practical step that you can do.

I lost trust that I could go into that kind of (indigenous) space. I tried to mobillize myself and ended up doing social work degree.
=Sound like you never were able to integrate what happened and recover.
=Is this the first time you're talking about this in public? "I tried but hard to be vulnerable. People don't know how to receive." "You made that awful comment, now you're collapsing, this proves you are ..." I can totally why it's difficult to get into it. 

Tragedy of identity politics - In power & privilege, when sb shares sth not work for them, both walk away wounded
Any one comment is too much.
Making you wrong is guaranteed to not address prob

=I want to welcome you into this space, in the fullness of your humanity, fear, compassion. It's so clear that you want to be freed.
We may think that we are engaging in conscious discernment about whether or not to do something, where in fact, we are just driven by fear of consequences

The essence of nonviolence: I am willing to face the consequences that my living in integrity will bring. 
Can you feel the power of that even though you're not there now? Can you touch in you a wanting to be there? Even if right now you have no idea how?
You can do nothing to avoid bad consequences except for not living

Practical step: Imagine yourself acting in your highest integrity.
A tiny thing that moves in the direction of vision (putting a cup down).

Bernadette: I think I don't have enough skills, knowledge

Self-doubt serves the status quo. We only know for real, our own experience, what we have learned from our experience and what we have learned in solving problems with others. Everything else is just ideas.
When you don't act, there's a hole because you're not acting out who you are. The exact & specific 
=Can you wait a second? I want to land the previous piece. If you move too fast, everyone else cannot catch it. This is not yours, it's done to us and especially to female. Girls are trained to not know. Boys are trained to not care. In a Human Voice - Gilligan, Carol 
The more you're in places where you feel the impact of the system, the more you're trained to not know, to not believe in yourself.
How do you know when you need more knowledge and skills? NEVER. I'M NOT JOKING. Because if what you need is knowledge & skills, you'll ask for support from others. It's never you alone who's going to do anything. If you're serious about things, it'll be you & the people you invite.
You can only start with where we are exactly. Not where we wish we were. Where we are.
=Are you training your children to be disobedient? You're just training the next generation of compliant people.

WHO AM I TO ...? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S WILLING.

“…and when we speak we are afraid

our words will not be heard

nor welcomed

but when we are silent

we are still afraid

So it is better to speak

remembering

we were never meant to survive.”

Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn: Poems


He only has 4 hours a day to not be consumed by the mechanics of keeping himself alive. He has the clearest eyes. Not waste a second on things that are not meaningful. Exactly within what your capacity is. There is no other but now.
=I can't write your poetry. I can't play the harp the way you do, even if I learn how to. You're the only one.
Just because time passes, doesn't mean things get better.
Each of us is infinite. We never know how we influence others.

Find where we give up on ourselves and doing something there
=I have an intuition of something to say to you. The most important thing in life is to know what we want. Not defiant, not react. Moment by moment, in the chaotic constellation, what is it that I want? Can I take a step towards what I want?
=Imagine telling a story about someone else in your situation. Is there something they might want?

See if you can leave the ideas of right/wrong, should/shouldn't
=You want to relate to other humans. It's sad to see ppl not caring.
=Don't lose your conviction to care because of peer pressure.
=You're not making this about you. You're connecting some rain of life energy, human energy. I guess you're mourning moments when you didn't stick with the care? No, I was mourning that I've been shamed so much for who I am.
=If I don't do anything, I feel uncomfortable. If I do something, I feel stupid. This core of me that cares has often been shamed.

Difference within:
  • Unfolding from within my flow
  • Orienting to the whole of life, and see what's within me can be of service to that

@L didn't want to make an effort to come earlier, proud of himself. Choose what's convenient?
@I myself tend to think I always over-mobillize. It hurts my self, I squirm in shame, hard to breathe, when I hear a hint that they think I'm not trying hard enough.
I under-mobilize in love? Not always. I hold back sometimes and tries hard sometimes.
@My heart feels so soft listening to you, how you connected with your fear with so much honesty. Thank you so much for giving me permission to acknowledge the places where I don't reach out. Sending you warmth across oceans dear Monica.
@Those of us engaged in this training business, we have to keep giving the power back. Start where you are. You're enough where you're. Don't come back. Connect, don't try to learn everything by yourself. Truly discern what's your to do, and ask people to help you do it. Release the rest. Whatever you want to do, try doing it first, and when you can't, go to learn?
@Dear Alaska, I was deeply touched by your tears. Thank you for naming how the things that were brought up affected you. That gave me time to process my internal states too. There're many places in my life where I too don't know how to have a want, but I never know how to express that until I heard your words today. Thank you for being here.

Engage with needs (instead of mobilizing from ideas of right/wrong) - Go within to discern what's mine (instead of - Connect to mobilize
Stay as close as I can to what's real
Yay! We need support! Not skills!

Visibilizing Capacity Limits - Selene Aswell - Jul 13

Big pattern: people that I was collaborating with saw my high capacity to be productive and didn't see the crashes afterwards

Verbal capacity limits
  • Easier mode: should's, patriarchal thinking
  • Stumble over my words
  • Touch my head
  • Overstretch: reactivity, decreasing ability to hold purpose or even the reason why I'm here
Facilitation capacity limits: 
  • Lose track of time

Requests:
  • Invite you into tenderness, give me benefit of the down (not NVC policing)
  • 20-min time track
  • Breakout time announcement at :10 & Help me make decision/ make it yourself (perhaps by asking question) 
  • Relational tracking: When there's tension, my capacity has intense drop
    • All of you track what's happening, ask for a pause, suggest person go to breakout
Making it worse
  • say "I think I don't have capacity to go and do this project", instead I said "I'm afraid I'll negatively affect the project"
  • make it visible
  • say "I'm burning out, I'm crying every night" because I'm afraid I'm adding to the burdens of the group
Patriarchal conditioning
  • I'm individually deciding not to share my organism's data
  • I lean into interdependence by vulnerably revealing, we can together decide on resources
  • Babies make limits very visible: cry, say no. I stopped practicing when I was a child. "Your drawing is childlike because that's where you stopped."
#give milk not blood #crying with hopelessness & crying with trust in life
My needs became visible.
  • Give me opportunities to contribute within my limit: Ppl crawled in bed with me to receive empathy, to make decisions together
  • Honor my limit: Took my hands and walked me to bed
#community-care RATHER THAN self-care
  • Co-holding the stretch. It might make sense in this instant for X to stretch & stretch & might snap, and we'll co-hold the impacts with her.
EXAMPLES
Physical limits
Cold/flu
Menstruation: I don't facilitate well, I won't have meetings
Physical strength/capability
Emotional limits
Upset
Trauma
Charge/tension
Mental limits
Have willingness but also have brain fog
Integration of certain skills 
Energy/Availability limits
How many meetings or projects can you actually take on?
Systemic limits (Obstacles) 
Having a passport from a country that impacts my ability to travel to a NVC workshop for example

STRATEGIES
  • Capacity Limit Announcement Google Group (all ppl who're working with me, affected by my limits): updated weekly or less (I'm stressed, menstruating)
  • Tracking Google Group (my explicit support people, ppl who live with me, my best friend - cult prevention): Only send email when I have difficulty (I announce difficulty & CC/BCC this group)

Selene Aswell's example of visibilizing limits or jars

People can write what they can do to support

Areas of leadership: identify capacity limits, brainstorm possible strategies to visiblize these limits and to whom
  • Who need to know my limits?
    • I need support around Huan (going along), Ellie (fear of judgment from her, my own judgment)
    • Ask for support to inform them
  • Agreement to myself: When I see ..., I will ... <-- and this alone might be visible enough to people.


@It's so horrifying to share capacity limit. Everything overwhelms me. I have so much expectation.
  • I frame my burn-out signs as addiction. 
  • Find a babier step if you're too anxious to share. Find a more trustworthy person, less power-over? Write down for myself, acknowledging.
  • At home, I get testy. I can't listen to My. I'm no longer tender to sis. How to normalize this? Sleep is an acceptable - I have been low on sleep?
  • Don't praise, don't criticize, just accept whatever food. Check w mom if she's affected by my displeasure?
  • I'm writing down more jackal thoughts
  • I have a buddy (Uyen), a tracker (Dustin), a mental health well-wisher (Anjali)

Capacity Fluctuation - Selene - Jul 20

We can care for & cultivate, grow

Life Energy
  • Stay in conversation/ present
  • Mental capacity
    • Think/ choose/ focus/ be curious instead of blaming/ hold uncertainty/ be with complexity without collapsing (to create systems that hold everyone)
  • Physical / sense of vitality
  • Access to mourning/ celebration/ unilateral giving/ receiving
  • Holding purpose
  • Holding the whole
    • Whatever ppl walk away with is what's within capacity --> Follow up, repeat if needed
Skill Capacity
  • Speak English
  • Speaking OFNR
  • Facilitation
  • Capacity to be in Intensity
  • Tracking
  • Notice needs - Discern - Ask someone to step in
  • Intervene: "Is this still on purpose?"
  • We want to cultivate vulnerability, but not have hangover
Observation - Be very specific, name the stimulus that affects your capacity: e.g. menstruation
Feelings: drooping eyes, sluggish brain
Needs - share our interpretation: I want to concentrate & I cannot
Request
  • I just want you to know, so please don't take it personally that I don't like you
  • More tenderness (I might be sharper, more rude)
Chronic Fatigue
  • Codeword
  • Board: takes less energy to change than describing verbally
  • Attunement: people observe you and see how you change
    • Continuity
    • @I'm particularly touched
  • What's the purpose of sharing? For support? For connection? How much is enough? Deeper might be disconnecting
CO-DISCERNMENT: I might be willing to push myself, but the people that I live with are the ones that are living with the cost of that and so they may or may not be willing for me to do that. And so if we lean into co-discernment they might see things I don't see. They help me to steward my energy better.

Sharing capacity is easier
  • with practice
  • with easy system
  • Information about capacity fluctuations can build connection.
@I realize how it's easy to throw questions to the "Trainer". And it takes lots of consciousness to liberate the learner.

Foundational Skill for co-discernment, interdependence
  • Vulnerable revealing
  • Visibilize capacity
Capacity to be tender - I'm exhausted w having to track my her health. The moment she gets better, she goes out. Ăn cơm nhà vác tù và hàng tổng. I'm expending a LOT. Perhaps I'm compensating for going for a trip. There's so much anger here. So much 'should'. I have anger w myself. Is she available for impact sharing?
How do I visibilize?
I don't have capacity to track & hold anymore. I will let go. How to name capacity purely without the charge of blaming.
  • If I hide capacity limit and my anger, I have less capacity to receive love, to feel joy.

What did we apply? - Miki - Jul 27

GIFT TO NURSING STAFF
Let the staff decide who needed the money the most. Shift my ongoing donation into this gift direction, not just one-time.
You look so happy like a small child - the gift experiments will do that do you since they're so radical
Bridge the vision and where people are: implicit trust - the other person is human like me, what I say makes sense to them, I can speak about the vision like something normal, matter of fact
- Connect w her, give her support for what she could do
Give them the blueprint on how to make the decision
- email request to NGL dezbanz69@gmail.com

IMPACT SHARING IN SISTERHOOD RETREAT
No space to voice impact, slow down for everyone to BE with it
=It's heartbreaking when you hold something and you can't find an opening for people to hear
sadness of a missed opportunity
When was the time that you thought of bringing it
Make a manifesto about how to be together - without inner work, without being together first
Bring sth into a context where no one asked for it.
= I'm watching and have some discomfort. Can I have a minute where no one says anything so I can sort out the discomfort in me, and propose something that can be helpful to the group? Or I can step out for a minute (but no longer attuned).
Align w the facilitator - Is this your intention? Are you willing to hear from me, that I have some needs not met, and I'm worried that some others might also see this not working out for them.
- keep in mind: it might still work for others

=I'm guessing 2 layers of mourning: what happened with the group and what happened within yourself (knowing you can be loving and assertive, and instead you lose your power)
How I respond is always within my sphere of influence.

Rianne, dear Rianne, this is bigger than what you can do. Sit and mourn, you cannot do more in this. Be tender with your capacity limit. This is too big for me, it's okay. Hold myself with tenderness. This will help me to find a baby step, a little more capacity next time.
= You have some visceral empathy, how you show up make it easier for people to understand.

WALKED OUT OF RETRIBUTION AFTER CAR ACCIDENT
Though it's small, it's jarring, traumatic, easy to lose capacity. Yet you could sit and find out what you want, what might work for the other. This money won't pay for all damage. I give not because I feel guilty. Just about us closing this nicely.
=Do you have one example of one thing you said that turned the table?
=You asserted yourself, not over-powering, not backing down
Were you moving privileges? Think about it and come back after the group.

What did I apply? Where do I need support?
@coffee project - okay I empathized with E when she felt alone & wanted more time. I asked for support from Khuyen when I'm down. I empathized with D over the call.

I want to share about the ethnic farmers. I was careful to make sure they speak first, give them a lot of time, make sure they have space to speak, slow down the voices. It took me some time to stand up like this.
I need support in sharing the impact on the farmers. The farmers never say if they're uncomfortable. 
I lose my power - I take up less & less time & space, I only think about what the "manager" needs, not what the farmers need. I sped things up. I slipped back into Survival Skills.
  • Find time BEFORE: I want to make space for NT to speak
  • Make sure I have their phone number: text if I cannot speak - say thank you, how hopeful I am
  • Find a framework of what I want to share to the trainer after each day, a check list that I can easily go through
I may not speak, but I'm very engaged. I'm also making space for those who're also burning to share.

"Thầy Kiên ơi, em là Khang đây. Em muốn nhắn tin cảm ơn thầy vì đã cho em nhiều hy vọng trong chuyến TOT vừa rồi ạ. 

Cảm ơn thầy dành thời gian nói chuyện với em, chị Thuỷ & anh Trung để cùng nghĩ xem ai làm gì lúc nào thì phù hợp, đã chia sẻ tụi em rất nhiều kinh nghiệm quý của thầy. Đây là lần đầu tiên mà em & chị Thuỷ được dành nhiều thời gian như vậy, lần đầu tiên có cảm giác mong muốn lắng nghe bà con cũng quan trọng không kém việc chia sẻ kiến thức.

Cảm ơn thầy vì đến ngày cuối cùng mà vẫn rất nhiệt tình chia sẻ, dù bà con ở thôn cuối ít nói hơn các nơi khác. Cảm ơn thầy vì đã hướng dẫn từng bước cho nhóm trưởng (tập dượt ra sao, đặt câu hỏi gì, ghi nhận câu hỏi xoáy ra sao).

Thầy hỏi em có góp ý gì cho thầy không, thì em chỉ có 1 cái nhỏ ạ. Trong buổi FFS đầu tiên thì thầy nói nhiều về việc thầy cũng là một người chia sẻ hay thúc đẩy bà con cùng thảo luận, giống như nhóm trưởng. Trong 2 buổi FFS cuối thì thầy ít đề cập về cái này hơn, theo em hiểu là vì thầy tập trung giải đáp cặn kẽ các thắc mắc của bà con nên có thể là cái ý về vai trò của nhóm trưởng có ít đất hơn một xíu. Em chỉ ước thầy nhắc lại ý này nhiều hơn ạ, vì em có niềm tin là khi thầy nói vậy thì sẽ nuôi lòng tự tin của nhóm trưởng.

Trong các dự án nông nghiệp em từng tham gia thì nhiều khi nông dân chỉ là những con số thành tích trên giấy. Chuyến lần này đi với thầy em cảm nhận được là thầy trân trọng nhóm trưởng và bà con như những con người thật sự trong từng câu thầy nói hay cách thầy lắng nghe, chuyện đó cho em rất nhiều hy vọng. Em cảm ơn thầy nhiều ạ.

Ngoài ra nếu có gì cần cải thiện mong thầy cũng nói với em. Em biết em & anh Trung có thể làm những hoạt động hơi dài & khó cho bà con. Tụi em cũng mong được góp ý để làm tốt hơn ạ."



@I worked w my rush, find some patience. And by the grace of god my driver strived to drive faster. And I was opened up to add a tip. My peace begets peace in the world and begets generosity.
@capacity - I have a buddy with me. I rest when I feel tired. Tiny things.
I name my capacity - my brain maxed out, I'm tired.
@woman - I used menstrual cup and faced resistance & understood why I'm kept as a child, each step I take outside of the norm is corrected, disapproved.
My mom could share her feelings honestly without blame (when she called & I don't pick up, she felt worried)
@money: I tried a scale with a company - had a deeper conversation - they're still in their groove, but I felt more clarity.
@Stop sign: fortunate that we learnt Forum Theater & could say stop.
@I want to not keep my sentences trailing, to bring energy across the room.
@my vision: point out the sacred possibilities of giving & receiving.



Hi Dear Khang, i’m outside right now… i loved hearing your voice leading at the very beginning of class.. sharing a message from Nora about Emma and Eddy… like Miki, i’m also in awe of your determination and rigor… sending open hearted warmth and love my dear sister.. as it’s almost 3am there? wow.. ❤️‍🔥 Thank you for always supporting me dear Danni. I feel so warm reading your words. You too are part of the reason why I wake up early for class. Just knowing you exist somewhere in the world gives me happiness. 🙂 ♥️ crying thank you… your message along with this coaching.. i was on the verge of tears and you put me over loll <3 something so beautiful and brave… your leading/loving/receiving/giving.. by moonlight/candlelight/nightlight/computer light when i see you in the dark lighting the way… I’ve never ever thought of myself in that way. Thank you thank you for giving me such beautiful reflection of what you see in me. I’m writing your words down to keep on my desk for times when I can’t think of one nice thing about myself.




  • Will giving concentrated attention to undoing patten of male training support me in feeling more deeply connected to myself, others, life? Track areas on the material plane where I’m aware I have blindspots





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