Tiếc thương - Lối về Tự do 09

MOURNING PRACTICE

Feeling the sadness, disappointment, remorse, sorrow or regret of the impact of my actions (to self or others).

Allowing the flow of emotions, without constraint, holding only the feeling from impact and not any guilt or shame.

Remembering the underlying reason for my actions has been influenced by:

Patriarchal, social and cultural conditioning

Various types of trauma

A more complex world than most people can navigate

A general lack of support

Receiving less than effective parenting

Limited creativity to find alternate strategies to meet needs

Read books about parenting

I have too much to mourn

X is an inauthentic person who presents a rosy picture to cover up the fact that he's not doing anything in this project.

- unseen around him: He said he just thinks I'm a translator, not a facilitator.

-He doesn't see my value in this project.

>>I can confront him and talk him into seeing my value.

>>

-I put everything into this, my love, my commitment, my showing up

- Acknowledge the things that I see, and achieve. T achieved better pay for farmers, visits, TOTs that met farmers' needs.

-I'll continue to ask for support & perspectives.

- The powers that be are stopping me

I can mourn it. If I am given encouragement, I do a much better job.

stamp of approval

I'm willing to learn but you have to tel me what you need

Is there a way for us to capture what is beyond the numbers

Receptive to hearing impacts

The Power of Mourning - Anglela Walkley 

The Competency of Mourning

• Transforming the suffering
• Letting go of resistance of what is
• Being willing to allow our experience to unfold

"I would just like to stop here and hear how my personal landed for you, maybe just what you heard me saying"

"Can I just stop and reflect that for the moment?" "I just find it so poignant, the visual of the freight train and matchbox [pause]"

Mediation between me & Life/ Reality

Living wake - honor the grief, connect to the grief

"Just to loop back, I love that you said the word 'love' in it."

"Let's hope that we can slide right back in to the presentation here."

There is very little modelling for us to learn how to grieve. We're making it up, teaching each other, creating safe spaces

1. Loss: Everything we love, we lose. Including loss of a job, loss of love, memory, ...
2. Shame, the parts of ourselves we deny: The places that do not receive love. Our exuberance, our introversion, intensity, ..
3. Sorrows of the world: unrest, injustice, poverty, environmental destruction. We listen to the news, download the tragedies, and are expected to show up at work without any sorrow.
4. What we expected but did not receive: Our DNA tells us that we are meant to be surrounded by loved ones who care and support us, but what we have is loneliness, isolation, and longing for community.
5. Inherited grief: from the trials and tribulations of our ancestors.

"Let's stop for a moment and use the chat. Please share any personal losses that you're caring."

"Imagine that we're holding a bowl into which we're dropping our grief."

"A tight body makes it very difficult for grieve to flow"

"Wave your hand if you've come to a cold place"

"Can I request that someone read the text? I just feel very happy to hear other voices."

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"Mourning in NVC is the process of fully connecting with unmet needs and feelings which are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves." - Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, 2nd ed., p 133, Marshall B. Rosenberg

"NVC Mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions which we now regret" - ibid, p 133

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Mourning: Transforming the suffering of loss; letting go of resistance to what is, and being willing to allow our experience to unfold.

1. Unskilled: Blames self, others or external circumstances for loss; resists feelings of loss; tries to be "strong" or hide feelings from others.
2. Awakening: Becoming aware of own tendency toward resistance or blame when experiencing loss.
3. Capable: Noticing avoidance or blame related to loss, one lets go of believing something is wrong and allows oneself to experience one's feelings, opening to a connection to needs.
4. Integrated: Fully engaged in the wholeness of life in the presence of loss.

Tiếc thương: Chuyển hoá những đau khổ tạo ra từ mất mát; buông bỏ nỗi kháng cự với hiện thực, và sẵn sàng cho phép các trải nghiệm được trải ra.

1. Chưa có kỹ năng: Đổ lỗi về nỗi mất mát này cho bản thân, người khác hoặc ngoại cảnh; kháng cự những cảm xúc về mất mát; cố gắng tỏ ra mạnh mẽ hoặc che giấu cảm xúc thật.
2. Nhận diện: Nhận thức được xu hướng kháng cự hoặc đổ lỗi của bản thân khi đang trải nghiệm mất mát.
3. Có khả năng áp dụng: Nhận ra mình đang né tránh hoặc đổ lỗi khi nỗi mất mát ghé thăm, buông bỏ niềm tin rằng có điều gì đó đang sai và cho phép bản thân được trải qua cảm xúc thật, mở ra kết nối đến nhu cầu.
4. Tích hợp: Đón nhận hết mình sự trọn vẹn của sự sống khi nỗi mất mát có mặt.

Quá trình này không thẳng tiến, thay đổi dựa trên: sức sống, độ nhận thức về những cánh cổng tiếc thương khác nhau, kháng cự bằng cách ngó lơ, làm việc khác

There is deep mourning and deep deep honoring of what is inside that mourning, like the value of dignity of those lives, which might not lead to celebration but healing.

"I just really enjoy the chance to practice with something that's practical, just something that's alive, something personal that touches you deeply. I appreciate the complexity of your story."

FREE WRITING:

I remember when I was a child and all I wanted to do was to play make-believe stories with my hoodie' strings. I remember when dad drove me on his bike to learn about bamboos and I now find myself quite stupid for making him suffer. I remember how he said he was happy to drive me to Hanoi if that is possible. I remember when I was seeing mom off this morning and telling myself what if this is the last time and not fully believing. I remember when my eyes now are tired and those paintings I drew. I remember when all of my hope is said to the sky on that dark night staying back at the office, trying to turn the lights down so no one realizes I'm bathing and eating there. I remember when I was alone without my family and I felt this is not what I wanted. I remember when Tho smiled so happily at the pancake we made, and I felt like I did the right thing for once. I remembered when I was lying on the grass. I remember when I was wading knee deep in water and ox shit. I remember all my life there has been so many memories and I should be typing so much here. I remember when my best memories are when I'm finding family again, and he said it tome, now that I'm healed I can bring that to other places. I remember when I first met Nipun my heart was so full of love and gratitude. I remember when I was alone as a child sitting a top the pond and right then and there I knew I don't need a lot of company. I remember when Hau told me jokes.

Breakout room: Sharing our grief

"People said they feel safer and more connected when they can see who're in the room together with them. So if you can turn on camera that would be very helpful."

How was the experience of speaking to another person?

I felt very much supported, I was met where I am. I really resisted going into a sad part of my life, and resisted savoring happy memories as well. And my group-mates helped me to see that it's not a bad thing to be at the stage where I am, and they helped me to celebrate that there're new possibilities.

Breakout room: Any link between our personal grief & the sorrows of the world

"I just want to take a deep breath to make space for the enormity of what you just shared."

"Anyone wants to share how that landed for you, any needs met?"

"Connection to hold the un-holdable, one person cannot do anything, but together we can accompany ourselves and each other"

"I'm struck by your word of "sacred", that speaks to the real depth of aliveness."

"Just imagine how if we can be together and share our wisdom on grief."

I didn't experience that as marketing, I experienced that as partnership.

angelawalkleynvc@gmail.com

Mourning with Jim & Jori - 14/12/21

Look around, who's here?

Close your eyes if comfortable. Practice presence and observation. Sounds, smells, tastes, ocean of feelings, go back to our heart. What matters now? Any request?

• We practice empathy, which is simply being present and listening. No need for words, just open our hearts. Two-third of the time.
• As honest as you're willing to be, not even a little bit more. You choose what you're willing to speak. What we notice about our own direct experience.

I realize today, that there is so much tension in my body. I always want to do many things at once, to be productive, to say something before I'm ready, hardly ever asking my body for permission. I recognize that this is violence against myself. 

I feel lost listening to his picture of the world. I'm not there. I tried to blame him - he's mistaken, the world doesn't run in that mechanical way. I blamed myself - I'm too weak to survive in that world.

Transforming the suffering of loss - Resisting the feelings inside ourselves intensifies the energy inside, or blinds us and we're blindsided. "Resistance is futile." - Star Trek.

Presence always adds energy. What drains us is resistance. Every we do a dance of life, dancing with needs that wishes to be expressed. If don't feel pain, we won't move into action to address the pain.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made [Dr. Paul Brand, PhilipYancey] 

1. Look at the list of needs.
2. Think of something small we lost. If it's at the right level of intensity if you can stay presence, no need to call for empathy buddy. You can call one and skip the class, or choose an easier experience.
3. Enjoying the jackal show. Who is to blame?
4. Connect with the needs, hold it in a precious bowl.
5. Any request? Any shift?

1. I'm so wistful looking at flow, peace.
2. I didn't get called into Stanford and Harvard after interviews with a man and a woman respectively.
3. They are to blame. They just don't understand how spiritual is important in our lives, how what I'm looking for is beyond the ordinary. They with their patriarchal mind are just worrying about their own self-benefit and recreating the same patterns of exploitation. They think they are so smart and impactful with their fancy words and technologies, but in reality they're just playing a child's game, they don't bow down to the divine. They are so deluded with their idea of progress and productivity and so shiny and so pompous and everything they do is right on top of privileges and never actually understanding how life works on the ground. They don't understand how my little family is important to me, there is no one to replace me here, no one to replace them for me. I bet they don't spend time for their family and will end up dying lonely, sick, depressed and empty, not enlightened, light, purified like me. --> I feel scared, anxious, tired of trying to put up a shell of something I'm not, meaningless, empty, floating, no motivation to head in that direction, unmoored. --> I need solidity, safety, understanding, humanity - human touch, appropriate size. Do you want to know about me? I want to know about your family, your fears and dreams, your warts and filth, and try and see the beauty. Can you see the beauty in my weaknesses and fears?
4. I love it when there is space for me and the "life rejects" that I love. I love it when there is depth, meaning and human connection in our conversations.
5. I want to write a letter to express my thoughts. And next time, instead of saying "Em muốn sự rõ ràng, hữu ích và hướng thượng, mình có thể hỏi lại là: Em muốn cuộc nói chuyện này nói về những điều thật sự có ý nghĩa với mỗi người, và trải nghiệm nào trong cuộc đời khiến mình tìm về những điều này?".
6. I blame myself that I'm not good enough, smart enough, fast enough to be able to ask him questions on the spot, to connect with his heart right there and then, to speak my truth with tenderness.