Being Giraffe vs Doing Giraffe

– What is your experience and definition of "Giraffe"?

I was once asked to recount an interaction with someone where I experienced compassion. My story was about my 12-year-old cousin. On an anniversary meal at our house, my uncle invited his friends over and they were drinking beer and alcohol. My uncle soon got drunk and went upstairs to sleep. His wife, who is my little cousin's mom, stayed downstairs to serve food and talk with his friends. My cousin later told me that, usually she never misses a chance to go play with me, but that day she  refused to do so because she wanted to stay at home to watch over her mom.

I was very touched while listening to my cousin's story. Although she never explicitly said she felt worried for her mom, and her need was to protect her mom, it was crystal clear to me that she consciously acted upon her need. I was surprised by her action all the more because usually my cousin doesn't like staying around her mom. My cousin often tells me about her mom's frequent comments regarding her excessive weight, her poor study habits, etc. Nevertheless, in that instant, she made space for what she believed to be her mom's need: safety and companionship amidst a group of strange drunk men.

When I reflect upon my definition of Giraffe, I remember that Marshall said: "The intention of nonviolent communication is to create a quality of connection that inspires compassionate giving and receiving." It is very difficult to translate this into my native tongue. The best I can do is: "Khi hai bên thấy rung động vì những nhu cầu của nhau, đến mức muốn hành động để chăm sóc chúng, đó là đích của Giao tiếp trắc ẩn." In back-translation: "When both sides feels touched by the vibration of each other's needs, to the point that they want to act to take care of these needs, that is the goal of nonviolent communication." 

For me, "being giraffe" means keeping the above intention in mind. We keep our heart open so that we can be touched by our own needs and others'. We purposefully act to take care of needs, instead of acting out of habitual reflexes. 

– What are your experiences of "Being" or "Doing Giraffe"? Recall back past experiences when you have experienced the difference. What are the challenges that blocks this process?

Just last night I was leading a class on the 4-chair game. The 4 chairs are: Jackal Out, Jackal In, Giraffe In, Giraffe Out. My group was struggling with "Giraffe Out". A couple of struggles:

• Speaking aloud written empathy guesses: "Maybe you're feeling ... because you need ...?".  --> The other person thinks this is contrived and cannot work in real life.
• Using many sentences and many words at the same time without pausing for confirmation or correction from the other person. --> The other person feels inundated and tunes out.
• Slip into "Jackal In" while "Giraffe Out": "Maybe my action made you disappointed? Maybe you want me to stop acting this way and start being more responsible, etc." --> The other person either intensifies their judgments and demands, or get frustrated and says "Oh so everything is about you now?".

When I was asked to model "Giraffe Out", I was very tense. I felt pressured to give a good, convincing performance. I wanted to contribute to everyone's learning, and I also wanted appreciation for myself and for NVC. After a few attempts at "I hear you, maybe you're frustrated because you want things to be clear between us, etc.", I was relieved that the time for this activity ended.

But my luck didn't end there. Right during the debrief for this activity, a member of my group asked: "When is it appropriate to use Giraffe Out? In my groups, I was triggered when I hear the others attempting this. The other person sounds as if they're at a higher place than me, they know what's going on in me, they're leading me to their desired conclusion. I think it's very fake." I was quite tense hearing this. I tried to empathize with his doubtful, wary feelings. I did not mention his potential needs for safety, authenticity, equality, because I think if I say that I again am falling into the same "Doing Giraffe" trap. I said "Yes, many times when I have other people guessing at me I have this icky feeling and thought they were trying to manipulate me." I saw him nodding. This helped me feel relieved again.

For me, this experience shows me that:

• When I have a pressure to perform according to the steps (When I see ... Maybe you feel ... because you need ...), the result is that my speech is stilted. I often say first "I'm probably doing this badly, but I'll try to give a demo" to relieve myself of the pressure to "save face".
• Giraffe Out and Giraffe In go hand in hand. If I'm at a loss for what to say, if I feel awkward, I must be able to acknowledge it before trying to empathize with the other person.
• Questions are very useful when I'm tense and at a loss."Can you tell me what led you to say this?" and "Can you tell me what you feel?" can give me information, but sometimes feel intrusive. 
• I'm learning to ask simpler questions, using more surface words. "Do you have more to say?" "So this project/ this team is very important to you?" 
• I'm also learning to ask for permission at every step. "Can I summarize what you say to make sure I understood you?" "Can I speak now?" "Can I share how I feel?"
• Self-empathy and journal writing is SUPER helpful. My reflections are my shortcuts to respond timely to live interactions. 
• I often reflect using observation or thoughts with emotional tones to express empathy, without actually using the needs & feelings words. For example, "Yes, me too. When I hear people ask me how I feel, I was like 'Who the **** give you permission to say that?'". And all the while I hold fast to my intention to honor the needs of the person in front of me.

– What are the differences?– Does the difference contribute to "making life more wonderful"?

The difference between "Being Giraffe" and "Doing Giraffe" is that:

First Distinction: Being Giraffe is the end and Doing Giraffe is the means. 

Being Giraffe is embodying the intention to keep an open, sensitive heart, to find choice in the moment. Doing Giraffe is the using the 4 steps (observation, feelings, needs, requests) in the 3 processes (self-empathy, honest expression, empathic listening). We use the steps of Doing Giraffe to guide our thoughts. The steps are very helpful because they present different options during interaction. They add to our repertoire of responses. Instead of habitually judging, blaming, rebelling, submitting, we can choose to clarify our observation and thoughts, acknowledge feelings and look for beautiful needs. Being Giraffe makes Doing Giraffe easier. In times when we are not "in Giraffe mode" yet, putting effort into "Doing Giraffe" can slowly pull us into the gravity of "Being Giraffe".

Second Distinction: Giraffe represents consciousness of choice

For me personally, Giraffe also represents consciousness of choice in this moment, while Jackal represents unconsciousness and reacting out of habitual patterns. I attempted to illustrate this in the diagram below.

 Nguyễn Hoàng Minh Khang - Hươu & Sói Tập 2 (Khóa Thấu tình đạt ý 06/01/2022)

At the level of doing: Doing Giraffe means thinking, speaking and acting in ways that enhances connection and encourages compassion. This means to think and speak in terms of neutral observation, self-owned feelings and strategy-free needs. This means to dance the steps of self-empathy, honest expression and empathic listening in silence, in words, or in other actions (e.g. pounding one's fist to express honestly, watching over someone to take in their presence, etc.) Doing Jackal means thinking, speaking and acting in ways that enhances disconnection from self and others. This means to blame, judge, demand, submit or rebel, etc. in silence or out right.

At the level of being: Being Giraffe means holding the intention of staying open to what is alive in ourselves and others, and open to new ways that can make life more wonderful for all. Being Jackal means holding the intention of being right or having the upper hand in the interaction. A Jackal also comes into a conversation with an attitude leaning towards attachment and self-righteousness. "I know who I am and who you are already." A Giraffe strives to honor the unknown in all interaction. "This is my experience and guesses. Can you please tell me how things are on your side?"

At the level of knowing: The Jackal image represents unconsciousness, reacting out of habitual patterns. The Giraffe image represents being aware of choices in this moment. A Giraffe can choose to blame, to judge, to want to win, to close his heart, etc. and is aware that he is actively doing so out of a need for ease, for safety, etc. A Jackal is only called a Jackal when she's unaware. The moment a Jackal is aware of what she is doing, and doesn't automatically gets upset or agrees with herself, she turns into a Giraffe.

Note: These are my early attempts at making a distinction between Jackal and Giraffe. Yesterday, one of the participants in my classed asked, "So is it true that "Jackal means Strategy" and "Giraffe means Need"?" My co-hosts and I fumbled with this question, trying to tell her to give us a specific situation, because for example "giving empathy" can also be a strategy, although it is a connecting/ giraffe-ish strategy. These paragraphs are my attempt at clarifying these concepts for myself.