Video of the process: https://youtu.be/q7nTR5wykcg
  1. Self-connection: important whenever you lose ground
  2. Empathy for the people: It's hard to come here
  3. Ground rules: not interrupt, capture a phrase someone is saying, the other person will repeat it
    1. Would you be willing to repeat a phrase that summarizes what the other person said? 
    2. "I'm going to find a statement that summarizes what the other person says and ask you to repeat that summary statement, is that ok?"
    3. Are you willing to respect one another?
  4. Who will listen first?
  5. So, Doug, what is happening with you now? Build a little more rapport, wait to hear. Tell me more?
  6. So you're appreciating space? So ... is important to you?
  7. Tell me more.
  8. [Switch] Can you repeat that ...
  9. Stick to the pattern! Stick to the needs always. When the solution is really solid, then you try to make it SMART.
  10. I want to celebrate that connection is important to both of you.
  11. Specific Measurable Achievable Relevant (to all the needs) Time-based
  12. Did we miss out any need?
  13. We will see you again. I'll send you the bill.

  Nonviolent Communication Mediation Steps

  1. Before starting the mediation mediation do a self connection out loud for practice
  2. Welcome and empathize with the disputants
  3. Inform of ground rules; 
    1. No interrupting, one person speaks at a time
    2. Are you willing to repeat a phrase I get from the other person when I ask you to?
  4. Get consent that they agreed to the ground rules.
  5. Ask “Who would like to listen 1st ?”
  6. We now listen with our NVC ears for the Observation, Feelings, and Needs , then reflect 1st the observations, then guess the feeling, and when they seem a little connected to you, guess the need.
  7. Confirm the need and take it to the other person, requesting: “Please repeat that (the need) is important to (the 1 st disputant).”
  8. Say “Thank you” when they repeat the phrase
  9. Say “What is up for you now”
  10. Empathize first when someone interrupt, don't go to the rules. "I hear it's upsetting for you, can we finish and right after that, it'd be your turn to be listened."
  11. Share how it is affecting me. It touched me to see that you both share the needs of ....
  12. Appreciating specific things, not just say thank you.
  13. When we get to love, instead of removing the personal, ask them to repeat "Your daughter loves you."
  14. Repeat the story
  15. How this affected you, and people around you?
  16. When there's conflict, we do mediation. When there's harm, we do RJ. (RJ can be done with 1 person.)
  17. Interrupt: Let me catch some of that, I hear you're sad,
  18. Match the energy of the other person: strong or soft

We then just repeat this process back and forth, over and over.

Thinking - Who needs what now? 

Looking for deeper universal needs.

I see your pain, I know it's


Miss out: fairness, justice

Love & Mattering

honor herself 

Not focus on solution, but on connection

  • Carry over the need, make sure they repeat, then thank you
  • Love, Love, Love - something very important
  • Interrupt with empathy when someone goes on too long
  • When there's something in common, make sure you carry over BOTH ways, and then pause. "Hold on for a moment, and absorb that we have that common value."
  • "Trust is important to Bob." "Bob values ....", not "would like... from you"
  • SMART goal?
  • Needs: compassion
  • Jack has a need for mourning/grieving
  • Rain matters, so mattering is important to Jack
  • Appreciating flexibility (good need to help move them toward solutions possibly)
  • Vannessa values self-care because she matters too. "Mattering is important to Van. And Self-care if important to her too."
  • Superficial: understood, being heard, understood, 
  • (We often find, as mediations progress, that a few key underlying needs almost always lay at the core of conflicts:  The need to Matter, the need to be Loved or Love, the need for Freedom and Safety.)
  • You value the progress we're making, appreciate the cooperation we have right now.
  • I want to reflect that. Let me get this straight. Tell me more.
    I hear that this is affecting you. Would you be willing to wait for a little while?
    I'm going to carry that over.
  • I want to thank you for the risk you're taking, the trust you're giving me.
  • I'll listen for a phrase that I hear is important for one person, and I will ask the other person to repeat that. After each of your go, I will summarize it into a phrase and ask the other to repeat that.
  • HALTS: When you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Scared/Sad/Sick, then you Halt!




Disappointed, frustrated, concerned, hopeless, uncomfortable, 
  • Point out hopeless - silent empathy - only way but up, open us up to humanity





Needs: nature, variety, learning, support, shared reality, mutuality, 
Isa wants to be considered and informed. --> Isa values consideration & information.
Dad cares and loves you. --> Dad values caring and loving.
If it comes from a place of worry, I don't want to burden her. But if it comes from a place of celebration, being included in my life, I can celebrate that too, while celebrating my independence and confidence.
That I can trust in our love.
  • Need for courage --> deeper in need to experience life. Need for "connection", the gap between HEAD and HEART is SAFETY.
  • Just "clarity", not "more clarity"
  • Just "connection", not "connection before fixing", because fixing is a judgment
  1. Self-empathy
  2. Tracking the process
  3. Empathy
  4. Gratitude
  5. Interrupting with empathy
  6. Pulling by the ears
  7. Emergency First-aid empathy
  8. Tracking the bubble of pain: be aware of what's going on with the other person before it burst
  9. Using requests
    1. Needs behind the No
    2. Three types of agreements: Main, Supporting, Restoring
  10. Expressing Vulnerability
  1. Reflection
  2. Use their own words




6 roles of mediator:
  1. Transformer: View conflict as an opportunity for mutual learning and transformation
  2. Translator: Translate judgments into observations, feelings, needs and requests
  3. Conductor: Trusts and facilitates the mediation process in the service of connection and resolution
  4. Conflict Coach: Guides the parties in navigating conflict with care and compassion
  5. Ecologist: Helps to ensure that agreements address universal needs in a mutually satisfying way
  6. Empath: Listens deeply to all parties, reflecting universal needs





  • 08:30-08:50: Check-in sharing how you're feeling, call on the next to hear what's most important to you
  • 8:50-9:00: List topics 
  • 9:30-10:40: 2 mediations
  • 10:40-11:00: Needs met

Difficulty Level: 

  • 1- no conflict
  • 2- some conflict
  • 3- interrupt each other
  • 4- attack each other
  • 5- attack mediator 

Can you tell me a little bit more?
A summary video of the process: https://youtu.be/q7nTR5wykcg

http://teranjy.org/summerconference/

 



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