IMPACT DIGESTION - Mar 11 

Contribution: whatever is possible for you. Is it on purpose and meaning for you to contribute, whether a million or a dollar: https://nvctraining.com/registration/signup/RTTC2023-contributions

  • Endless collection of no-big-deals
  • In this context, we can only transform what's specific. 

Oregon non-profit for POC
to just simply change the narrative of what I was voicing

It may have been impactful for people that I couldn't care for them, and I have t

What can this person become?

How can we walk together, instead of "who you could become"?

In order to support impact digestion, we need to have trust
If a person was so completely wrapped up in their narrative, the narrative & experience are were too entangled, there can only be a very small gap between what they say and the amount of reframe you're offering.
E.g.: A: This person disrespect our culture! B: I can see how much you committed ferociously that anyone who comes to your country has to respect your culture. MATCHING ENERGY.


Impact
Feedback

What about the internal process that's scary?

There is no way to live without impact. I create impact and that's okay. I surrender to the fact that I care for everyone.
Start with the raw expression.
@I have a question about process, can I launch it here?
@You can, and we'll see if it's too long, then I'll ask you to bring it here next week.
@When someone says "I can't hear what Khang said", you stepped in and say, "let me share"
I want all of us to have tons and tons and tons of care and I do not want a single person to be nice.
@Throw your NVC out, and just speak to what is?
@Is the feedback's purpose for the cleanliness of the relationship, or for the future.
If I don't have a clear purpose for the feedback, then probably I'm still in the place of I just want to be heard.

EMOTIONAL EQUATION IS SOLVED IN THE BODY - Apr 8

Tiny pocket - find ways to respond to situations with power differences, with deep tenderness & liberation for all
  • Ignore, deny, no big deal
  • =raise your hand just for visual confirmation
  • blaming, shaming, othering
  • band together in righteous indignation, not even bringing it to a public place, just stewing
  • =though I didn't try to be exhaustive, did you feel relief after those things are named?
  • Dealing with the situations from a perspective of liberation for all, for me is grounded in phenomenal and infinite tenderness for everyone, because of the patriarchal grooves of denial, scarcity, powerlessness. Even when we're committed at the heart level, we don't manage to do it even when we truly & deeply want to.
  • The tragic lens is the best antidote to judgment and making things wrong.
Titrate my reaction & take interim steps
  • Jackal hall of mirror: judge myself judge myself. Be tender with myself
  • Don't go all the way back to the rage, hold on to my progress (I've processed part of this)
  • Milestones
    • Learn to translate enemy images
    • Not standing behind my judgment (they still arise, but I chooses to want to be free of them)
    • Be able to do the translation when I'm reminded (thanks to mindfulness practice, etc.)
    • Notice the judgment the second it happens
    • Judgments stop arising
There was a moment when I realized there was nothing I could do to stop them from thinking that I'm a bad NVC teacher (I didn't use precise feelings/needs words).
A. I will make mistake.
B. Whether or not I make mistake, people will judge me. 

=The framing is still within the world of separation: someone got attacked, I want to defend them. The more we can frame it without using that kind of language, the more we can move towards pathways that work for everyone.

Separate intentions & impact on both ends:
  • For the impacted: I want to grow my capacity to talk about the impact as fully as intensely as thoroughly as I experienced it without attributing any intention to the person whose actions resulted in the impact. That's high art. 
  • For the impacter: 
  • =I'm not going to look at this example. I'm going to talk about another example that I lived in a role play. A woman had children & project & land and her partner damaged all.
    1. Empathize with her for impact. 
    2. THE EMOTIONAL EQUATION IS SOLVED IN THE BODY. 
      1. One side: I cannot fathom how anyone on the planet can do it.
      2. Other side: basic NVC. Everything that anybody ever does is an attempt to meet needs that are no different from my own.
      3. These look incompatible with each other until I solve it within the body.
      4. I said the narrative that was alive for me.
  • =Even someone says they want to shoot another person because she's a woman, that's their deepest intention. I don't believe what they say. I know it's a distortion of some deeper needs. We are now touching at the depths of my own spiritual faith, what allows me to do the work I do. This is a place of profound loneliness for me. I've been trying to compensate by doing more and more of holding the space and pulling. I can't do it anymore. (Relief from it's matching my experience.)
  1. Do you get it?
  2. Does it matter?
  3. Why did you do it? --- Don't answer this before 1&2. But have to answer this, to address the spiritual hurt, so we can see the humanity of the other.
I want to reserve the word "harm" for physical/material impact, or something with lots of oomph. I think legal system is created to protect the interest of propertied people. We can use "pain", "impact", "discomfort". 

=I want to move on. This was all framing. I want us to move to the issue.
=I just put a very high threshold, but I don't say that I won't hear you.
=I want to pause you because the word "brief" for me lasts less than what's happening.

=In the context of where we're now, it's risky to say it. Grief lives in me for how little tenderness towards white men. 
  • This is an independent data point from knowing that there is NO future in which there is no white men. We need to work with them.
  • I'm firm & steadfast to do 2 things. I never lose sight of either of them.
    • tenderness, love, patience for men
    • committed to bring all the feedback in the world for them
  • Huge capacity to see into ourselves: Where we're responding to what's happening, from within the moment & the situation happening, OR from within systemic reaction to a systemic phenomenon (white men disproportionately do xyz). I always want to know about the specific person in front of me.
  • =I want to check with Michael, is what I'm saying catching you and giving you something to rest in.
  • https://streetgiraffes.com/healing-reconciliation/
  • https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/GPP-1e7p-web-sample-060619.pdf
  • Gwendolyn Olton, From Conflict to Community.
Miki's Pod: 67yo Jewish. 29yo white man middle-class. 34yo woman working class.
  • Learning at such rapid speed: male/female/class training.We don't lose each other in defensiveness.
  • That level of love, honesty, humility of not knowing.
In this course, 2 women were deeply impacted, Natalie & Renee. During P&P coaching call, they talked about M.
  • Useless pain. There's nothing to learn from that interaction.
  • M wouldn't be able to not take it personally.
  • A lot of it was systemic reaction to systemic phenomenon.
  • Instead of watching the clip together, N & R gave Menaka the context: We don't see the gap between observation & interpretation.
Exercise: Imagine what it's like to be that person. Don't analyze what's it's like for Michael from outside. Imagine you are that body. Speak as Michael.
Michael @angry, hurt, misunderstood, unappreciated. I can't fucking win. Because of my privilege I don't matter.
Natalie @here's this unknowing white man, blocking up space. Angry. Agitated, I need to do something. Irritated and sad.
Renee @impacted, and still have responsibility to voice. Doubt, if I say it now, where is it coming from. But it's my role. Internal debate.
=It's not important to be exhaustive. 
=Anything substantially different that anyone picked up. Just to show that's the map we live in.
Lore @watched the video. what do I do? Worried. Grief, my body mobilizing, an opening to what I could do.
Miki @not a moment when I don't have more than I can handle. Grim. Another thing to handle. (Oh fuck it). Inspiration to find the way. What a fantastic example to throw in front of the class. Heartbreak.
Menaka @I had a previous perception, swayed. Now I have a different perception. Sad & angry at myself. Wanting to make things right, my personal fault. I'm doubting myself & everyone.
=I don't know what that means, can you find different words?
=We're not going to check it our guesses match. We're just going to expand our imagination. We rarely get to know which of these human possibilities is true.

Focus NOT on "what happened" or "what is true or not", but what are we learning from all of this about the human experience?

Extend himself and do more of the work

RAZOR LINE between: 
  • The degree of privilege is the degree of how my needs are met at the expense of others. No liberation without pain.
  • The unnecessary pain of blaming & shaming.

Daily impact sharing

@get things right. I'm too full to let you in.
@needing attention, leaning vs self-responsibility,
------
I did it, after a lot of internal resistance, and only after a final nudge in the form of Miki's email.
I realized 2 things: I wasn't the only one impacted, he wasn't the only one who contributed to the impact.
I got clearer about the purpose: acknowledgement for me and him of the barriers in the past, hope for a full-trust future.
Response: first in the team 
He replied: he wanted to solicit my input but couldn't do so in a large team. 

-----
Một con người 67 tuổi, đã và đang trải qua rất nhiều, vẫn đang cố gắng. Việc giữ niềm tin rằng ở cốt lõi đều là những nhu cầu đẹp đẽ là một việc rất cô đơn. "Tôi đã cố gắng bù đắp cho nỗi cô đơn đó bằng việc đón không gian cho càng nhiều người hơn, kéo vào nhiều người hơn. Nhưng tôi không làm nổi nữa."

Thật sự ở lại với những cái rung động tần số rất nhỏ, giúp mở ra những gốc rễ trong mình.
@The world with its bright lights, are not meant for me.

Em sẵn lòng unpack tới đâu.
===
I have been thinking about your share a few weeks ago… I have been wanting to share I felt your share in my heart and body and have been wanting to thank you for sharing this… I cried after the class and felt a lot of what you shared afterwards…  thank you for your naming with bravery and raising the collective awareness 🥹
Thank you Danni. Oh that touched me very much, to have what I shared be in your heart and body. That shooed away the cloud of insignificance that always hovers around my mind. Thank you for letting me know that what I did can be considered brave and contributed to collective awareness.
🥹😭❤️🦋 receiving this with fullness and all my heart 🎶🌿🌺❤️❤️ and personally super enjoyed when you let him have it in “jackal” when Miki requested it if you 😂😂😂😂❤️❤️



21 APR

#Sit with the feeling that someone who doesn't want to speak with me. Welcome these many experiences without having to be spoken.
#In your smile I see a brief bit of shared humanity.
What do you think is a question we could ask? To hold this complexity.
I'm still waiting to hear from you, I want to have a sense of the room too. Is it okay?

"How do we move forward without anyone feeling left behind?"
Dilemma: We do not have the capacity to decide whether someone is left behind.
Before we act, we can only act from within the meaning field of ourselves. Impact paralysis - prevent us from taking action, which also creates impact. When we take the action, we release it, it goes into the meaning fields of others.

It's not your limitation, but it's NOT your job to meet everyone's needs.
You're saying "yes", but I'm not sure if you're taking it in.
It's not accurate to say that we're afraid of others' reactions. We're afraid of our reactions to others' reactions.
#I see capacity in you, it's visible. 
#We're not walking you through these reactions, not our job here.
Are you seeing growing capacity?
Do you know the storyline associated with your reaction?
Not the story of what happened to you? The story in you about the fear?
MOURN MOURN MOURN that outcome. The more you do it, the less you're anxious. "I'll die from cancer, that's really sad, and nothing to be afraid of."

With all we talked, can you reframe the question?
- How can I have the courage to move forward knowing there's impact?
- Holding the unfortunate complexity of needing to move forward when there're still feelings
#I want to commend you on your tone of voice, you showed care for your children.

What are you learning about leadership from all that happened?
@Give the question to the group.
@Mourn the final result.
#What is the difference in you?

Turning the volume and occupying my values more fully.
"Parts & characters that stay over time" vs "things that disintegrate over time"

You are meeting their vulnerability of resisting you, with your being vulnerability.
Not protect my own vulnerability in the face of resistance
What are pathways to encourage re-occurring connections in this group?

30 seconds - an hour to digest

Sharing impact across power difference, what's needed within?
Purpose - a handle towards liberation
Spiritual strength of holding care for him but NOT caring for him
Male ally-ship: Eddie shared some of the impact, that paved the way for Emma to speak.
Allies speak in impacted fields, especially when the impacted cannot speak.
1. Trust in our relationship. He's just oblivious about the impact. My impact is mine to bring my information. If he had the info, but he'll be devastated.
2. He's like me. We're 2 humans, socialized into this shit, blind to different things.
3. Going into the pains, unpleasant sensations, fully inhabit, I will find the message and a path will emerge.
#Sacred, impossible, doable path of sharing impact.
No way to recover from the numbing experience of privilege.
Care for him, no unnecessary pain. Yet NOT protect him from necessary pain.

Leadership is not a position, but a direction.

Nonviolence, Faith, Fear, Choice - 29 APR

Discernment call: Does it make sense for me to take on this --> for NGL to take on this?
Actual communal interdependent entity -- a shift into beyond the individual
Liberation university - Collective PhDs


#my longing for people to integrate P&P and function in this way is so big. I'm embarrassed and sad for our fellow humans to be in this place.

Reflect: Where is my own stretch zone: speak more than I usually do? or trust that life will be fine without you speaking.

Nonviolence without a dash connotes the deep reverent orientation to life
What is it about fear that makes it hard to practice nonviolence?
If you have fears, you can't do nonviolence. Where is your limit?

Just as one must learn the art of killing in the training for violence, so one must learn the art of dying in the training for non-violence. People who subscribes to violence has not mastered their fear.
We cannot practice ahimsa to perfection with fear. The line where fear exists in you, that's where your limit in nonviolence is.
Violence does not mean emancipation from fear, but discovering the means of combating the cause of fear. Non-violence, on the other hand, has no cause for fear.

Even if your enemy cheats you 20 times, you still trust them the 21st time. Faith in humanity is the core of nonviolence. Every person is redeemable.

Limit where we have fear. Places where we lose trust.

Trust is what we had before the patriarchal turn. Trust is like a basic organic built in cellular trust in life. We mostly lost that.
And often we can bridge that gap where we don't have it with faith, which is an active jumping over the place where we don't trust to put a stake in the ground and say, I have faith, I will keep going even if I don't have the felt sense of trust, because of the faith that something is possible that vision is possible, that humans can be redeemable.

Fear: associated with something specific, acute
Anxiety: diffused but overwhelming
Where does your anxiety affect your life? - I over-critique/-coach
Has that strategy ever worked? - I never not do it
You won't learn much without making changes that will make you uncomfortable. 

"I don't have an identity that is bigger than that anxiety yet. Who I am beyond my anxiety? I don't want to lose my loved ones if I lose the anxiety"
microscopic things that lengthen the time between when anxiety arises and when you decide to do you habitual thing. Don't try to NOT criticize. Just count to 5. After 1-2 weeks, then count to 10.
#Just keep noticing (people showering love on you), don't thank me, just take it in. I'll not let you off the hook, grow capacity with the discomfort.

Exercise of Worst-case scenario: Anxiety tries to protect you. What's the worst thing that can happen if ...? Ask again and again, and hang out with that possibility.

Life is full of people who are busy trying to make it safely to the end of line.

#Unprotected capacity to bring yourself forward, talking about protection. Look around, these are friendly people, fellow human beings.
Embracing the path of nonviolence requires us to release any attachment to safety.


#I try to find a line that is authentic for this moment, rather than just repeating.

NON-REACTIVE DISCERNMENT
Where do I loose choice? Things don't go as I like.

I take a side: I identify with this or that player.
I take a stand: for something, not against anything 

L: I have African AND European ancestry
#I'm curious, almost playfully curious, what would happen if you took the other side?
#Something in my intuition says that trying to undo taking a side is still a path of opposition. 
. a disavowal of the European ancestry that created so much horror for your African ancestry
#Is there in the mourning of "not acknowledging people's full lived experience", is there something you treasure about identifying with your African ancestry and naming it? 
- resilient & ingenuity. My parents owned a mortuary

#How comfortable it feels to say that in this environment, from 1-10, how willing for you to say it
#Can you say it from a relaxed place, of taking a stand and not a side, just like saying, "I have a left and a right foot"? Stay in that relaxed zone and increase capacity over time.

The last law forbidding European & African to marry was only struck off the book in 2000 in Alabama.

T: Fear of being a bad mother. Reactive when I think I'm not protecting or preparing my son for the world.
Parents fundamentally have 2 needs in relation to children: Peace of mind & Contribution
  • There's contribution that is oriented to your son's needs and what he wants and what his energetic self life movement, is that is clean and simple. 
  • There's contribution that isn't actually oriented to his needs, but oriented to your images.
Marshall exercise: Somebody took something of you and never give it back. What would you say to that person?
  • Your child
  • Your neighbor
***People were consistently more loving in what they say to the neighbor that what they would say to their own child.
#How would you feel if somebody talk to you the way you talk to your son? Difficult for parents to think from the view of the child.
@Thinking of MY small children, I have less trust in the world

Modern life gets us addicted to comfort. No liberation without discomfort.
Step away from safety.


@I lose choice when I feel strained about social acceptance.
Lose trust.

Fear as contagious vs Fear is just a feeling that is trying to tell you to take an action. We’re controllable if we’re fearful. Trust & Faith. I’m protected no matter what my experience.




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