Children are human beings not human becomings.
Marshall Rosenberg’s Social Change Diagram
How to make people good slaves: Act based on extrinsic motivation
- Moralistic thinking: good/bad
- Self-judgment: shame & guilt
- Say sorry
- Denial of choice: "should", "have to"
- Deserve thinking:
- Fear of punishment - Desire for reward
Example:
- break a rule
- talking back
- being told to do something
- teacher asked parents to come
- children stayed quiet
- told to say sorry --> child mumbled
If we are to reach real peace in this world and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with children; and if they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won't have to struggle; we won't have to pass fruitless idle resolutions, but we shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world are covered with that peace and love for which consciously or unconsciously the whole world is hungering. Gandhi
Collective Trauma:
- We all suffer from "innocence fragility": We're sensitive to any judgment: We're not good enough, we should be shameful. Most of us don't have a solid connection to our own innocence and beauty and humanity.
- The Biology of Love: socialization harms brain development
- We're caught up in the role of the oppressor & the oppressed
Verbal abuse: moralistic judgment, threats, etc.
Emotional neglect: non-empathic responses
Emotional neglect: non-empathic responses
Power-with based socialization
- Children are raised with trust that their needs matter.
- Empathy and dialogue are the primary tools to attend to conflict.
- Force is used only to protect, not to punish.
- The innate capacity for empathy is nurtured through modeling.
- Decisions are made in partnership with children.
- Authority is followed by trust rather than by fear.
Example:
- Kids are used to adults making plans while traveling, and they get bored. --> We assign them to plan for one day.
- Black/poor parents are more authoritative to protect children from white/ rich punishment.
- @I was so used to absorbing impacts. I get angry when others refuse to absorb impacts.
- @Authoritarian - Authoritative
Empowering kids under domination structures:
- Liberate ourselves from our internalized domination-thinking
- Create collaborative systems within our family (shared decision-making, conflict resolution)
- "For your own good" - this message is confusing, they're receiving pain and thinking of it as love. Instead of this, acknowledge when we fall short, and do the repair work (own & mourn)
- Repeatedly reflect to our kids that there is nothing wrong with them & that challenges are in the system (when they don't want to go to school/ do homework)
- Become allies - actively advocate for kids, even in front of adults (when they can't self-advocate)
- Teach them to use their power to advocate for themselves
- Build alternative communities & resources for our kids & for us to rely on (even just 1 week)
- Be prepared to support them if they choose to exit the system
- Work on system change - within the current systems & outside them
- Grief work
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE IMPOSSIBLE AND THE POSSIBLE IS THAT THE IMPOSSIBLE TAKES A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
Parenting Resources: www.linktr.ee/an.inside.story
"Freedom, not license", by Scottish educator AS Neill https://www.summerhillschool.co.uk/freedom-not-licence
Example Kids Media episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxKPiYRroQ
Teen Parenting Group link
Nonviolent Communication at Ghidotti High: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWicevVTg8U
- Volunteer at first
- Train teachers every week for a year
- Train students in second year, first semester
- Second semester: student decide how to bring this to the whole school
Green: You can decide.
Yellow: We work out together.
Red: Places I don't have willingness to collaborate (e.g. teeth-brushing). I don't justify, I own & acknowledge the impact.
@I could see S judging children - they don't care, they're not responsible, they OUGHT to be more grown up, they're already teenagers. If I feel constrained, S must feel doubly constrained. --> I really want to bring this family together and I'm frustrated without your help.
@S tries to decide for everyone (because that's what a good adult OUGHT to do). Cannot wait for children to come up with their own ideas - they have been so trained out of thinking. --> Where are the small places where they can choose?
@I slowly start to see how shame plays: my decisions are judged to be inconsiderate - why don't I care for their needs.
@I get angry on behalf of others who don't advocate for their needs. How can I bring this information to them without my judgment?
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