Functional Patterns - RTTC

Patriarchal Patterns:

(1) Functional: You suffer, others say yes

(2) Dysfunctional: You and others both suffer

e.g.: Being a nice person, don't share impact, endure (no point in trying to make things work for me because it's only going to make things worse), compensate when I see there's no capacity to hear impact

@Productivity

@Don't share impact

PREPARATION to Enjoy the other person's pain

(0) Tự thấu cảm

(1) Imagine the other person's experience in your body

What your other person will react like

Lots of role plays when somebody is acting as your worst fears and you find pathways of responding to what your worst fears are, then you're prepared. 

(2) Preparation: Invite period, I'd love to (NOT I'll invite you to), are you willing to do that, try with me, so we cross what's difficult

WHY do I want to do that - I want us to work better together, to learn from what hasn't worked, positive vision

(3) When, what might make it easier for them?

? What if the person says they're ready and they are not?

(4) Conversation: deep recommendation. Use questions abt her experiennce, how is it for you to hear? I wonnnder if you hear this as the criticism? If you hear it I want to say it in a differennt way?

Ask what they have to say?

How much time we lose by things not functioning? Go back to the feedback

I need to feel the despair of how common this is, and to let that despair be bigger than my guilt for asking for more time for connection when we already burn out

Any place where I'm accepting the weight of everyone else (I have capacity, I can absorb, I can recover, I can get help somewhere) --> When I do this, I put a cap on collective capacity, make myself non-redundant without actual discernment. Does it serve the whole better for me to invite the whole into the chaos of me releasing holding everyone and seeing where capacity will come from?

When we engage in nonviolence, we are accused of creating conflict. What we're actually doing is revealing conflict that has been suppressed.

We are not afraid of their reactions, we're afraid of our reactions to their reactions.

Nadine: Tell your boss, I have this pattern, I need your help to disintegrate this. Please remind me if I say "yes" all the time. If you can, any time you ask me to do something, please give me 30 mins to think about it. Or, as a company, we will have a policy of reviewing the agreement after 24 hours to see if it's still working.

Generally: We change after the fact. Before the fact. During fact. 30 years in between.

After the fact:

- Recognize and re-do afterwards on your own

- If you and them have a good relationship, tell them "please do it again, ask me something", and I do a re-do with THEM.

Before the fact:

- 

Ken Anno: I care for others and not aware of my needs. My community cares for me now. My pattern is running away from what I can't deal in the moment.

= Ask yourself what is going to be the most painful thing to do, and then do it. 

= We signed up for death. Only an imaginary death, risking hit by the belt again, healing takes 30 years

(1) Have you worked on this?

(2) What have you learnt? What do you think you've achieved that help you move forward?

It was real and my body remembers it. As an adult, I can feel this.

What was the need of that child that wasn't met when the belt was working? What's the vow, the glue?

Safety for me is not a deep need, like a safety belt. The thing it's protecting is something else, trust in that person, trust in life. Trust enough that you're ready to die, if it's your time.

Look for the breath of trust, of trust, of trust

Safety, protection, survival for the boy. Lose choice, I cannot choose anything. As an adult, I can choose to breathe, walk slowly, say tender words to myself. Safety is the result, but for a child it's protection, just being held, having somewhere to lean against. I'll come back to you, you're my address.

When I'm deeply triggered, I repeat the mantra "Surrender"

When we surrender we paradoxically find choice.

CHOICE

1. Attention: difficult when triggered (cannot choose not to be afraid)
2. Body: more choice (choose to stop, to walk slow, etc.)

Thuan: I would like to share again that I learn a lot every time you step in and speak up here. Sharing this appreciation hoping that - if you take in a little from every appreciation - at the end of various appreciations you would be full. 

with lots love and care, Khang. Thank you thank you thank you

(1) Do you sense that you're clean in how you perceive the situation?

(2) Were you able to empathize with them (recover from being shell-shocked) fast enough?

@I don't take in appreciation

- I don't trust it's true, I don't want to lean on an illusion

- I'm afraid of it going away, if I play coy I will continue to be in the spotlight. I will continue having this. I have no trust that love will last. I will do whatever to hold on to the bit I have.

- Usually what I'm being praised for is a trauma-response to my functional pattern. I think they praise me because they see I'm humble. This is also a pattern. I can't enjoy. I can't savor. Hmmm this is so good. I can't express my pleasure. I take a displeasure in people expressing pleasure. I have to show a stoic face. Not pleased or displeased. Maybe that's why I watch drama, listen to music, because people get to show emotions and be appreciated.

Why don't I take it in? I'm afraid to take it it. Once I use it, it's gone. I have to save it for the long run.

I must not enjoy pleasure, or indulge in pleasurable sensations.

I must not show pleasure.

I didn't say take a back seat. If your pattern is to be silent, please speak. If your pattern is to speak, please listen. If you just take a back seat, you're not listening but listening.

Those patterns are systemically correlated. It's never about you as an individual.

Any pattern we adopt begin & continue unconsciously. It sits in you as your essence. You choose to please because inside you want to belong.

Bring your full energy to it to listen, from a totally different perspective.

You cannot belong by not being yourself, because what belongs is a shell not you.

I want you, I want every man on the planet. I don't know how to say that in the complexity that's happening in the world due to patriarchy. I'm personally so glad you are here.

The difference is Danni is so aware of the group and Daisy was more pressing?