RTTC 2023 October

Oct 27 - Training Boys to Not Be A Girl 

Patriarchy is passed on primarily through mothers

It's extremely difficult to think only systemically because we want our children to do well.

I want my child to be prepared to release any wealth that comes to them instead of accumulating

=Are you now living in life materially with your vision of future?

De-accumulation? 

@Am I feeding my mom's fear & scarcity?

If you want to liberate yourself, be like a girl

=Tracking others, relational --> makes his man life difficult

=Your responsibility is simply how you relate to your child

Aversion to being a girl is the emotional tilt that steers you towards patriarchy. Make a mess of yourself, be unconventional, be unreasonable, be emotional.

Women complain about how men don't show emotions. When men do, women complain about something else: how they show it, etc.

=Do you want to be a compromised being in order to have a date?

The lie we tell ourselves: We protect our children's innocence by limiting information.

Fake abundance: when our water comes from a faucet, we don't know how much water in the aquifer. Making endless access to things at unthinkable costs. Make snow for people to skii 

Natural abundance = tendency to regenerate

We can only say "he has a diagnosis of schizophrenia"

We actually don't know whether it's God's will or not

Enter his reality, from within his reality

Female training prevents females from sharing impact with men, even men are willing to hear

In order to accept my needs can be met at the expense of others, you have to be severely desensitized

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFSO8m7jbbo

Boys: problem age 4-7
Girls: Teenager
Emotional intimacy had taken on a gender (feminine) and a sexuality (gay)

@Do I break with a friend because I don't accept I'm gay? Can I be friend with someone who likes me when I don't like myself?

The healthy psyche resists the initiation into patriarchy
Patriarchy is a defense against lost

it's so quintessentially human we give up what we want most which is love because we're so afraid of loss.

The first response to loss is protest.

Protest gets shamed. Then they detach. Replace people with objects.

when you hear the patriarchal voice it's important to hear how much cultural resonance and support it has but also just to ask : where is the human voice ?

Boundaries, Limits, and the Sacred Work of Restoring Trust

Limit: All about me

Boundary: You're too much

https://thefearlessheart.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Boundaries-Limits-Restoring-Trust-2021.pdf

• The primary unit is the individual. -- The primary unit is the whole.
• People respect what we say because they're afraid of consequences. -- People genuinely care about us.
• Dialogue is to be avoided. -- Dialogue is key to wellbeing.

Patriarchy – the system that emerges from scarcity, functions in separation, and results in powerlessness – arose from massive loss of trust in life in response to cataclysmic events that outstripped a group’s capacity to metabolize – either overwhelming natural disasters or invasions. Loss of trust of such magnitude, reinforced generation after generation through individual and collective strategies of control, leaves us very vulnerable and brittle.

Objectification - 18 Nov

Dec 15: Debrief what we learnt 

Dec 22: Held functions * appreciation

Dec 29: Sign up for functions

Jan 5: Go through voids & add new functions/ remove unnecessary ones

Jan 12: Celebrations, new applications in communities

How to Raise daughters to feel strong, not just as a body and how much of this is my own personal trauma? 

Is there someone (woman or man) who doesn't get it, not just resonate, but have a visceral sense of what she's talking about.

=Asking men to show up in the mode of asking, not of saying

"I want to be seen for who I am, and all I've ever done is hide myself."

Mourning that some women choose to respond to sexual predation of gender based on power differentials, by expressing sexuality overtly. They do it as push back or as a tragic strategy to matter, be seen, show up, protect dignity.

• 1997 I had chemotherapy and all my hair fell out. I proudly wore my head bare and had contempt for women wearing wigs. And yet we were all taking care of our dignity.
• =I feel a sense of resonance for you. Even when your strategy frightens me and I have to work hard to maintain a sense of "we want the same thing".
• =Sexism is an assault on women dignity. There are so few options for women.
• A certain power when women can attract men.
• Ask her with true curiosity, like how Matua ask you. What are the thoughts, sensations, experience? Even when you're horrified about how demeaning it seems to you. "What is the experience like with men's eyes being on you?"
• What are the impacts for you? Share it without blaming your daughter. Then "What are we going to do?" Not what YOU will do.
• In order for patriarchy to succeed, women need to be controlled. Patriarchy is a relationship to life not to a gender.
• =I would still like men to only ask question in this round.
• "I want to spare her what I went through."
• It's a social devastation that put women and girl in this. You and your daughters didn't do anything wrong. There are just no good options in society.
• @I judge my cousin's needs for fitting in. My rationalization doesn't make me feel tender for them and their choices to wear few clothes.
• @I'm uncomfortable even with a nude picture on the wall, and I have this hoity-toity attitude that might be oppressive to other women.
• @Maybe she wanted to spare me from the austerity she went through.
• @When she said "the younger daughter get it"
• We prefer to give it against our own will, rather than be forced (physically) to give it. @I spend enormous energy rationalizing why I said yes rather than fight in a fight that I’m almost certain I will lose. I lose by losing appreciation, safety. Will I be able to? Is there a truly equal relationship?

Rules are always a substitute for connection:

• No imposition of rules achieve its purpose. It creates submission & rebellion. Rules are a way to manage our despair about the gap between what we want and reality.
• Only rule is "Try to go back to sleep before wake us up at night." "I tried for a long time to go back to sleep and I can't. Can you please bring me a bottle."
• If you are going to impose, say "I" not we. Don't say "We're not going to do this in this house." I don't have the capacity to live with you in this house for you to watch this movie. I know it's terrible to impose on children, but I cannot think of anything else. 

I want to talk about no good option in society. I have a sister who struggles to wake up early.

I have a lot of judgment I feel like I have to refrain from saying. You are too tired because you are not trying hard enough.

How can men be an ally around objectification?

Looks as a currency

Do I ask menn to shrink around me? e.g. Don't make comments on my clothes?

1) When I speak and put a smile at the end. You can show your upset, there is no need to make yourself agreeable to me. 

2) If a man feel romantic or sexual attraction towards me, I would really appreciate if they can own it, acknowledge it to me as early as it appears. It relieves me of the stress that I did something to attract it, and allow me a gap before my habitual instinct to clamp down and shut down on all aspects of my humanity and self-expression, to escape being seen as flirtatious in any way.