Day 1: Community
Tad Hargrave
How do you create community?
I don’t know. A hundred ways. A thousand ways.
But, how do you kill community?
I can tell you one thing sure to do the job. Be self-sufficient.
Always have enough. Always have it together. Always be a
giver.
Always have all the tools you need. Never need to borrow a
sewing needle. Never need a cup of sugar.
Never tell anyone you're breaking down. Never need anyone.
Your pride, your insistence on competency, your unwillingness
to be a burden
on us when it is the proper time for you to collapse, may be the
end of us all.
Knowing what time it truly is, or knowing how to know the time
at all,
you, needing our help, being unable to continue without it,
you, not knowing how to do everything,
creates the occasion for the village to reconstitute itself and
know itself again.
Beth - hospice
Kathleen - living w mom, eating disorder
Susanna - daughter & 3-year-old granddaughter
Susan - Colorado
Who is the bridge that brought you to NVC? Who watered the seeds?
What you discovered about yourself through your NVC journey?
What does beloved community mean to you?
Bring a topic that I'm grappling with. Not something I already figured out.
Day 2: Submission, Rebellion, Choice
Topic: Grounded in the Roots. Live with Choice.
Difference between Choice & No Choice
- Connect to needs: I cannot do anything if someone holds a gun to my head
----- I have to ... I choose to ... to take care of this needs.
- Physical feelings: If tears could talk, what would they say.
How does this feel in my body if I make this choice or another? ---> Sometimes ppl don't have the energy to do this.
What needs are met & unmet? Can I find another strategy? Can I ask for support to stay in choice?
Half-yes ==> I have this tendency. I will inform & make agreement beforehand.
Rebel -- feel like my authority is undermined, a chip on my shoulder
How can we tap into choice?
- Power - different sources we can tap into, remember my strengths and that we're all humans
What prevents us from having choice?
Parents & CEOs: expect obedience, encourage jackal in & giraffe out
10 mins: How I stepped into this journey.
- Connect to feelings & needs.
- I care for your difficulty in listening to my accent. You're in choice - to ask me, to pause me. We always have choice. @I wished she could acknowledge how choice is hard sometimes.
- I have abandon/ verbal abuse trauma. @I felt resistant to go this far. This is uncomfortable.
- I have unconscious contract, I should be a good mother.
- I choose to share this vulnerable story. I can mourn lots of needs unmet. I can choose to prioritize needs for safety & freedom. I can communicate, find creative strategy. I grew from this experience and want to support others.
- I want to pause & hear 2-3 voices what's coming up for you.
90 mins: presentation
- Victor Frankl quote
- Brain Science: A thought comes and we act immediately. Where is the pause? I want to tell a story with this stuffed animal.
- Story: Dad wants son to cut hair.
- Amygdala: Receive sensory (son's text), feeling similar as past experience.
- My husband wants peace, support & efficiency.
SUBMISSION
- Fear, powerless, helpless
- There are threats I can't handle, I have to submit
- Safety, stability
- Impacts: Drain vital energy, disconnected w authenticity, autonomy, learned helplessness, spiral to powerlessness
REBELLION
- Fear, anger, powerless
- I have inadequate resources to meet the situation, I have to control
- Protection, self-respect, choice, agency
- Impacts: Drain vital energy, chaos, rigidity, spiral to powerlessness
CHOICE
- Empowered
- Thoughts: OFNR, aware of feelings & needs
- Choice, autonomy, power, interdependence,
- Stand/ strive for what's important to us, not against perceived enemies
- Anything people want to say? @I would have narrowed down the request. Think of a situation of your own where you submitted or rebelled. Write down your feelings, thoughts. Does it match with what I share? Do you have other thoughts/ feelings you want to add?
The day was symbolised for me by the playing of our two national anthems, and the vision of whites singing ‘Nkosi Sikelel –iAfrika’ and blacks singing ‘Die Stem’, the old anthem of the Republic. Although that day neither group knew the lyrics of the anthem they once despised, they would soon know the words by heart. - Nelson Mandela. He could have power over to make demand, but he didn't do so.
@I don't understand yet.
We may choose to hear a demand as a "please" and move to contribute to the person/group - according to their very strategy - with a peaceful heart, as we connect to needs. - Marshall Rosenberg
- I could choose to hear her as: "Please help me."
Three main internal obstacles:
- Unawareness,
- Inability to self-regulate in interdependence,
- Unwillingness/ incapacity to pause long enough to recognize the possibility of choice
Strategies:
- Deep exhalation, mindful breathing, mindful body/ relaxation of the body
- Intentional yawning, sighing, laughing, or touching the lips
- Window of Welcome
Practice:
- Choose a memory when you think that you have no choice. How did you react?
- What blocked you from connecting with a sense of choice?
- In that situation, what needs were met/ unmet by your reaction?
- Any requests for you at this moment?
- At the end of yesterday's workshop, I wanted to invite everyone to do a set of clapping to spread goodwill to themselves, others and beyond, but I didn't.
- I was afraid of taking up more time, since some people already said they wanted to leave early. I rushed through saying goodbye, and didn't ask people to clap at all. I didn't have full trust that people would enjoy an activity that was purely for connection. I was afraid of judgment. I was having a pounding headache.
- I missed the chance to ground the intentions in the body. I feel very bad that we ended on a half-hearted note. I didn't push for a more powerful, memorable closing. I wanted to make people remember us, have a sense of connection. I have a need for connection (which was kinda met by the check out). For being loved (maybe already by how they said goodbye to us).
- I want to share with my co-host to remind to support me. I want to plan for a solid closing at the start.
@I love her story-telling (both personal and the one about the woman). Very expressive. And to leave the ending to the end. Her son chose to care for his dad after the experience.
15 mins: check-in
30 mins: breakout - discuss what should be included in the topic's presentation
10 mins: guests - how did they get connected to Amy
10 mins: Amy shares her journey
90 mins: presentation
15 mins: break
60 mins: Amy self-reflect. Any specific request for feedback? Amy facilitate this feedback session.
Day 2: Connecting with Joy - Mary
Connecting to the Other Person with Joy
Giving & receiving from the heart, touching joy, without strings attached
What if I don't want to give empathy? They hurt me, they will exploit me. Connect with needs not resentment.
- Connect with Vision
- Honor Capacity Limit
What if they don't want to share? Empathizing with their silence, their manipulation?
- Impact vs. Intention (ass
- 10 Basic Assumptions (6. All human beings have the capacity for compassion. 7. Human beings enjoy giving.)
Connecting to Joy Within
- Look at needs (cards) that seem like luxuries. Imagine what it'd like to have it, find requests.
- Holy Envy - pointing us to the needs.
- Rehearsing tragedy (think about what might go wrong even when I'm in a very happy situation)
- PLAY as a need
- The policing: too happy is unprofessional, unladylike. Who told you not to smile?
@A time when I last connected with joy: Running in the rain, without a care. Like time is infinite. No need to rush. I'm so grateful that we meet and we dedicate our attention to each other.
How would you define joy? How in touch with joy are you?
What connects us with Joy? What blocks us?
Joy: feeling in my body of alignment, full residence in the present.
- crestfallen and connected to our love amidst the pain
Fear. Not in connection of shared power. Judgment. Habitual patterns.
Will I ever have joy again?
Being the creator of my joy. Chocolate pudding.
Fully engaged. Companionship.
All of your stumbling blocks will be turned into stepping stones.
I'm monitoring the conversation and where it meanders from its purpose.
Do we need to reflect every time?
Is it what came up in your group? Or for yourself?
I appreciate the agenda & recap. Super clear.
Invitations to connect with joy
- A rock/ picture/ object as eminder
- Daily Gratitude practice
- Savoring (celebration & mourning)
- Taking in the Good (Rick Hanson)
- JOY Joining together, Opening my heart (hand on heart, deep breath, remember moments of sweetness with this person), saying Yes
- Hyacinth
In this moment of being together, what is a word/ phrase/ sound that my body wants to offer to our circle?
I'm losing track of the purpose of the discussion.
- Share reflection from your breakout, or our own personal reflection?
- Share feedback about the presentation, or appreciation about the candidate's journey?
Time management - is reflecting after every share needed?
I'm putting my critical mind on the shelf.
Ahh
A deep sign
Peace
Un-emcumbered
Hope
Heart
Preciousness
Gratitude
Savoring Open Hearted Joy
Gratitude & Aliveness
I want some weeee time
Wild & free
Unabashed, unfettered, joy with abandon
My body is stiff, my heart is alive & alert
Gratitude for the experiences that forged you into the person you've become today
While mindfully walking this wondrous life
Rapid expansion & contraction
Bathed in belonging & community
Inter-being & joy
Gratitude, Love, Contribution
Day 3: Jackaling - Michael
Jackal Parties - Jackal Chorus
Tired - Jackal in - Jackal won't let up until I become aware
Beauty - Autonomy - Freedom
Your brain needs to shut down, look away from the real world, tune out
Draw your inner jackal - what feelings come up
- It's climbing on me, weighing down on me, trying to protect me without ever getting its feet wet, this scared cat. I'm annoyed. I want to keep it safe and dry.
- It's crying & walking away because I don't let it out often enough.
Trauma: a rite of passage where you're not welcomed back into the community - Gabor
Exile
AFGO - Another Fucking Growing Opportunity
Identify a Jackal-In or a Jackal-Out experience. Share briefly with your triad.
Reflect on what the needs are.
Hold the picture as if you're talking with your jackals.
@I can't demand recognition from her since she's tired. I want her to know how much I'm suffering. Maybe she knows.
I want rest.
I know you hate her complaints. Why am I not allowed to be irresponsible, to have my own breakdown? Why do I have to put up a front in front of mom, telling her things will be okay even when I don't know the future? Why do I have to say everything's okay when I'm near the precipice myself? I want to lay down and rest.
I know you think everything I do is wrong. That I will never have a place in the world.
***Build instant connection - I see your smile Ratika, "Before you share, we have something in common..."I have a sense that we really are your agenda -- may detract
***Put the group front and center, holding the energy center of the group, keeping us very focused on a common thread, not letting the energy and attention will get pulled in the direction of the person's personal story
Stay centered and not go too deeply into personal explorations
- Loved how you reflected just enough - especially for me, I didn't need to hear more needs
- Why don't we give them the autonomy to take care of their needs?
Allow me some personal time before I go into breakout. I walk inside, look for something in my drawers, and come back out to talk.
***Ask them directly what they want to do in that time if they don't want to go to breakout
Before I speak, I just want to pause and check how you are
=)) "Say it again? I'm also joking"
You have permission to be choked up.
Let us know if you need more care (around shame)
Was it a thought that allows for the shift? --> unpack the pearl
Not lead ppl somewhere
We're hard-wired to jackal -- link with brain science
Order 1 pepper, 2 pepper in Thai restaurant --> don't order something you can eat
I feel so much more confidence, that I can do this. If I'm held this lovingly, I can do this.
I feel connected to this community. Timezone I cannot be in the pods. I so appreciate everyone stretching so that I can be here.
How can we anchor it, welcome it back to the community, make it feel heard?
Reassurance that there is a place for me at the table even when I don't finish my list, for support and embrace and permission to have my own breakdown.
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Did our intention meet our impact?
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