RTTC Aug - Sep - Oct - Nov

Application - 31 Aug

GENEROUS NARRATIVE & OPPRESSION OF SMART GIRLS 

Leadership starts with what you think

- My board challenges me for no reason other than confrontational --> My board challenges me for reasons I cannot for the life of me figure out

- I used to have a manipulative mother. I no longer have a manipulative mother. She hasn't changed
We don't actually know [their motivation] because it's privileged information that is not accessible outside of the person. It's given to me to intuit, imagine, assume, tell stories. It's NOT given to me to know. Release it. Until we can do that, our leadership will be stunted.
- Language of "benefit of the doubt" doesn't feel like complete humility to me

- If I habitually think of people as competitive/ wanting control 

- If they challenge you: (1) something that matters to them is not addressed by how you function (2) they don't have capacity to bring that info to you in a relational, caring for the whole - hence they need to mobilize a confrontational stance. Polite cultures have to be more confrontational because outlets for challenging each other are fewer.

- Not move it out/ ignore it, SOFT, befriend it, come closer to it, more SOFT towards yourself

- Your movement has been thwarted. 

- Being female, strong & competent is a recipe for ppl reacting to you. Unrecognized oppression of bright girls. Start at age 4-6. You stopped being cute for being smart, and started being a threat.

- If mom cares about you, mom will block your movement, what NOT to do - it's her job. You want something you go get it. If you're a girl, it's threatening to adults around you.

=Is this speaking to you? Can you say sth about the actual feeling level of it?

- Regret - I wished to have been more graceful 

=It's really okay to cry. I'm cheering you on. We'll be with you for a few seconds and then we'll spare you.

I wasn't sure I'd be able to make contact with you. It's nourishing to feel your trust.

At age 40, I set out to reclaim the fullness of my vulnerability, like when I was 3. Before that, I was very protective.

Painful when ppl superimpose a right/wrong framework on what I say when it's not there

Kelly: judge myself for not applying -- vs a heartfelt examination

I can't give a minute to you. Just take that minute. - Include them in the solution, not just my habit of being critical "I think this is a great start. Come here and look and maybe you'll see what concerns me. I don't think it's our main purpose."

Suddenly you're becoming a girl again - so cool!

So now what did you think I do with you?

Weave relationship in the moment

@I'm very good at being docile to hide my smart. And my sister faced so much confrontation. And how much my mom faced resistance fr dad all those years. And even now I'd prefer to be docile & have to work take the chance to voice my concern to H. I think I'm slow in voicing needs. 

De-accumulation - ease around this w my Buddhist practice

Team work - I do try to care for ppl. I see where I'm not soft - not vulnerable in my sharing my dreams, not pausing in mediation, going too fast in role-play and lean on humor instead.

--- Start with Celebration

--- Chose celebration & mourning NOT A-A-A

--- RMIT - invite ppl to talk about what money means: what it means for me, 

I see how cK tries to care for the whole all the time, wanting to support H. I'm fortunate to have someone who thinks about improving teamwork all the time. It's not my main interest - tinkering with this team of guinea pigs, more in the sense of MY certification? Or I should discuss w May - what can I do in terms of KDs? I need support, I can get my words out, but how to put it out there?

Gender - clearer about what I disagree? Yet not annoyed

@Sis update: not rebel, just needs & capacity. Go from have-to towards choose-to. I went to softness when we fought. Seeing how we're blind about our limits - she waited until she's so frustrated to say she feel judged, she understand it's not my intention to judge. I didn't have that information.

Trainer: find needs of seeing humans as humans.

Where's the softness in working w Tun Tram? Not so well protected? When I "overshare" about my needs - voicing up for my needs

Em muốn nói với chị về pros & cons của việc mình nói với c Thuỷ về việc sắp tới sẽ có thay đổi, nhưng mình chưa được nói thay đổi gì và mình cũng không biết vào lúc nào.

Value myself & what my contribution is - 

Not to just send an invoice, but invited invite a client organization into dialogue the different amounts of money we want and what those meant for us. They still chose the minimum, but it felt light that they chose it considering our needs and not just theirs. We removed that uncertainty where we attribute not-caring to the other person.

Engage with 4 dimensions of capacity - 5 Oct

How do I function?

Strengths: What are the strengths that I can bring to this situation? What are the qualities within me that I can count on and do something with it?

Limitations: What are the limitations that I need to work on and transform in order to be able to respond well to this situation?

Openings: We can go in that direction with less effort.

Obstacles: What do I need to do to overcome these obstacles? 

Some of us refuse to adapt - not a recipe to scale. A majority of ppl 

Little obstacles easily make me stumble. When I don't see an opening I crumble. I stand up to power & speak truth with more & more love as I go, so ppl don't understand why I crumble. I invented Convergent Facilitation: look for openings first! Each of us has a way to engage with the capacity 

• Focus on where there is acceptance rather than resistance. I don't bang on closed doors.

Rachel Turiel: Frame the dilemma of what's happening and how this particular limitation, named as an observation, affects the purpose, affects other people's capacity to carry out the purpose of the organization. "I'll do that" - it doesn't happen. She over-mobilize to plan for contingency.

• Decharge, depersonalize (not like "the impact on me")
• Link things to purpose, rather than relationships or values
• Request: Can you give me this? If not, I'll do this, it'l not be robust.
• Is it okay with you if I send the report with this limited info? Is there sth you'd like me to do if I don't get the information in the time that you said you would give it to me?
• Before stating "It's gonna be like this", check with them.
• They won't be de facto out of the decision.
• Tiny bit of impact sharing
• If they say "I'll get you the info", they think you're nuisance. I want to convert this to a real relationship.
• Based on the last three times that you said this, and then I didn't get the information. I am not confident about it, and I would like to understand what is leading you to say that you will send it. Do you have confidence you'll get it on time? Is it easy for you to get it? Do you need me to support/ take things off your plate so you can get it?

The higher you go, the less patience you have for humans. You have to spend more complex problems. "I don't want to hear what the problems are, I just want you to finish your job."

What strengths can I apply? If I use my depth of integration of spirituality to figure out what to do next?

Limitations (self-judgment) - Do I want to work on this before I go do the thing? If not, you're entering the situation w self-judgment about imperfection. What compensates for this? Do you want ppl around u to offer appreciation?

Openings: What exist outside that can help you?

I think if no one figures out to tackle obstacles we'll go nowhere.

Akil: Threat Assessment. Find a support group to appreciate where I'm going.

@I see where I do that. I go where $ is. I know right now I'm working with corporates - the most challenging audience?

WE ask what difference will I bring? Is that strength?

I make a lot of effort to overcome my limitations - addiction.

In coffee, I lean on my communication strength. I take on writing tasks. I lean on organizing to feel useful.

Sometimes I also want to improve my facilitation skill, I'll fight for it.

I spread myself all over the place.

The more any of us takes on the global human dilemma of our time, the more we need a group that supports in discernment, dealing w impacts, in evolution (not just finishing the job).

- I want to grow in this, can you support me?

When we together tackle limitations, I fall to my strength.

-- What is the purpose of the collaboration? To bring dialogue into a vacuum (tackle obstacle)

-- We fall to the de facto of me giving? 

Supporting resilience & redundancy within the group 

Collective capacity for whatever we're trying to do, always bigger than individual capacity.

Not taking the risks of inviting ppl to support 

 

It was really a beautiful moment when you named the loneliness. I feel your need to be understood very deeply and it is inspiring The need for connection – we have a connection right here across time and space- 

I just want to say that I’m grateful for the hand you put on your heart when I was talking with Miki. It eased my nervous system a lot, and I felt very much less alone. Seeing you today gave me a tiny bit of trust that what I say can be meaningful to others. Thank you Randi ♥️

Khang❤️ the kids came in at the end of your share and one was naked lol 🤭 so I turned the camera off…  it was so wonderful to hear what is alive in you🫂 thank you for the gift of your voice in the group❤️ wow when Miki said she was feeling some pain there😭 and your longing for support in growing your capacity… you’re wanting to contribute 🫂 to facilitate and in other ways… and in your daily moving through with nonviolence 🫂 holding it all with you🫂omg a little Miki in Vietnam accompanying you😭😭😭😭🦋🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🤭

Such a pleasure in seeing your face and hearing your vision even though it is a loose “we” as of yet. Celebrate your vision of “growing collective capacities” starting with you! practicing facilitation.

So happy to start the day with you… 🥹🫂❤️

I appreciated your sharing today including your naming "loneliness."  Your vulnerability was helpful.

>> Aligning collective & individual purposes while working in a group, to see how we will distribute the amount of capacity/ resources we have

Be aware of what my default is

Family: I'm living on a bed of obstacles and that's okay.

- Collective capacity in cooking/ ceremony - this capacity decreases

- Purpose of family: Support each of us in being the best version of ourselves (too individual-focused)? Be a generative source of energy for all of us, that brings maximum joy with the smallest investment, where we can fully exude ourselves, shine together., deal with obstacles and grow

Work: We're tackling obstacles, so we need to mobilize. 

- Investing in collective capacity & redundancy for resilience

- Opening: External resource? What is an opening for my family? Getting married?

- Strength: I increase my internal strength

Reflection - Action

Be the person your dog think you are

 

Protective Use of Force & Nonviolence - 19 Oct

=Let's take time to get into the space instead of jumping into content. If your heart has a microphone, what would it say?

=Let's confirm it, you're crazy. I am too.

=Have you done something at the edge of your capacity? Is it in integrity? Is it within capacity? Does it make sense? If you have please raise your hand.

@Maybe I feel it all the time when I tried to speak to farmers who I don't know, trying to hear from them. I feel very awkward staying at a corner & drawing them, instead of making attempts to talk directly. I felt like a dork in front of D, I did things without enough info about their capacity. I did my best to not assume. I mourn that I made them feel objectified, I never checked. I feel ashamed that I might have been thought of as doo-doo, ineffective. I want to live in a world where my hyper-sensitivity is appreciated & put to use. If I refrain my lack of direct action/ intervention as wanting to minimize impact.

=A retreat where ppl wrote things they're ashamed about

=This is the standard I want to hold, wanting PM to be surrounded with love, held with dignity.

=As little story as possible because it's irrelevant to the essence of your story: This person tries to be in contact with Cari against her willingness

• I'm not going to read your email: a limit, not boundary. What I will do or not based on my capacity. How close you can come vs how far I can go.
• = Raise your hand if you've ever, as an adult, want sb to tell you what to do. I shouldn't do etc. gives no info about what was going on. What was going on that led you to want sb to tell you what to do?
• When we justify an action, we slip back into functioning within the norm. If we recognize a capacity limit and bring tenderness to it, we maintain our commitments. Do you feel the difference? I hope this releases some pain.
• It's not exactly guilt, the pain of not wanting to have that impact on sb
• =I'm not even getting into the question of "Is it a right decision?". The question is, "Whatever the decision, how can you live with the impacts?"
• When we don't like the result of our action, the question "Do we have freewill?" becomes interesting, we try to think of the ways we're not responsible.
• You're trying to come to terms with the fact that you cannot do more.
• The advise of others is not rooted in the visionary world I want to live in. They want to protect me. Their advise goes into separation.
• @Same as with my neighbor. I wanted to open up contact & dialogue.
• Least force - Maximum love - Aim at recreate conditions for dialogue - As much discernment
• Autoreply: Express all your love, all your hope that one day he will settle into your decision and that you two can talk about what happened & cohold it. Sometimes you can read one of his emails and until that shift happens there'll be only auto-reply.
• =There is no fluff. All of what you're doing serious. Wherever we are, your seriousness moves you and everyone who witness forward. You're an energetic point of convergence and movement for the group right now. Slow down & take it in that you're really serving ppl.
• 29yo Miki: I'd die if the only thing possible is kicking him out and changing the lock. The thing that helped was music.
• =I have one more thing I want to say. Let me know when you're ready.
• Internally I think you're clear. You need to develop strength to differ from others.
• =It feels to me whatever is in me to give has been given. I wonder how it feels for me.
• Gandhi, MLK put enough moral force to force the other to change.
• Control masquerades as dialogue. He insists on keeping the lines open to get what he wants. If he doesn't hear my impacts & needs, closing his ears, it's NOT dialogue.
• Empathy is a piece of dialogue. Courage & Truth are missing when we focus on Empathy/ Compassion. 
• Usually ppl who share impact shares with victimized, angry, blaming energy.
• Direct Impact: I'm not going to reply until you can respond to my monthly impact sharing. Surrogate: Sb read email for me.
• =2-3 specific appreciation for Cari

I know I still have many layers of protection on.

I feel at a loss sometimes in my career. Maybe I'm enabling bad things.

I don't feel at ease around K anymore. I'm running away from dependence. I feel better with P&U because they're far aw

What is the purpose of the dialogue for you? What is his?

- If purpose is for me to stay, I won't join. If is for his own learning from the experience, I might be motivated to stretch.

IF you think he's sociopathic, you can't be in dialogue with him.

Dialogue is an opening of the heart, that I want to hear the other and shift. If you don't want to get closer to him, be in surrender & mystery with him, then don't dialogue. I'm not criticizing, just saying conditions are not in place.

What's keeping you from letting it go?

I don't want to do X which seems to align with my values.

I'm only going to ask questions where I'm going to trust the answer. If I'm not going to trust, I won't as.

If it's yes/no, only ask when I'm really interested and can live with both.

My need for honesty isn't met. ---> My capacity to trust isn't here.

I fully trust that this is all info you have available. I can't yet settle, because I'm telling myself that there are info I/others see that you don't. I don't know how to bridge that gap. Do you have any sense what kind of a step we can take forward to go anywhere together?

• I won't say this to sb whom I don't trust. 

(1) Internal: Get clear & clean

(2) Willing to be alone, stick with truth as it lives in us

Spirituality - As much love as possible

I want to hear your truth. I wish you could just come out & lash at me.

I also play that game of nice-dead-people.

Am I at that point yet of leaving? Can I bring more love into this? This is my only long-term job besides GTTA.

Do I have capacity to work with someone who doesn't have capacity?

I'm too battered to have internal clarity. Breathe softly into my confusion that I don't know what is the best move for a long term future. And right now I want to rest and hold myself gently.

I don't want to keep trying to talk and that's freeing.

If you block circulation to a piece of the body, when you reperfuse there's pain.

Not be able to share impact at the time of separation

US Election - 16 Nov

What does responding to the call of our times mean in the context of the US elections? How do we not just tune out (i.e. That's what they're doing, I just have my life to live.) How does it affect each of us in terms of how we want to respond to that? 

You are within a gestalt of energy of "we versus him", assuming all are against him. Make it a heart move to speak as if there is at least one person here who voted for him.

I want us t become aware of the impacts on our field by the current of thoughts we have.

"Animalistic" as less than human, I'm hearing that in the current of those voting for him

=I'm not singling you out. I'm calling attention to the phenomenon, so we won't reproduce this.

Your capacity for switching language is great. Is there something in you feel different?

=We are all "them-able"

General tone years ago: We need to double down in our efforts. --> No reflection on what we need to adjust. Not a lot of creativity.

Occupy the middle. Engage people in conversation. What are the needs people that led them to vote in this way? --> Be very grounded in my position, but hold it in an open way. There is a path if there is a container, for me it's about exiting the line. 

I have more courage to share. I invite you to share in a personal way the impacts of people's words on you. The gestalt of nonviolence is to unprotect ourselves.

Image of ridicule & humiliation. One day the image changed, tears streaming down how painful it was for me. The image never came back. I have much more willingness now to be humiliated.

As leaders people think you're stronger than you really are. You FORCE people to feel, open their heart, consider another position, harder to dismiss when sharing your own experience.

@My thought is people are not ready. The message I got from my mom is: Harris makes it so easy for Trump to win. I feel sad just imagining how long this imbalance will last. Don't try, nothing will change anyway. I feel myself disengaging entirely from politics, because I cannot explain. I could see myself tired, unable to make a connection to the "other side". I don't even have time to talk to my sis about what it means. I just go on in my little bubble.

Over here everyone is just burned out, stressed out. And it lives within me, the selfishness. We open too much choices for our customers,

How can we hear the unheard, build trust when we're in doubt, and shape our future together?

I don't engage with news.

I can say I'm scared. This could cost me some belonging.

=Your spiritual rigor in wanting to come from a heart space.

=When a field is polarised, no one hears anyone else. And polarization spirals. 

Basta - I will not give my energy to demeaning anyone. I'm working on my communication so that can be heard by the widest range of people

Connect with the energy of wanting gets us somewhere. That's where theres life. Don't try to make them swallow "need" when they haven't signed up for liberation. Existential loss of dignity. Do you have a need for dignity? Do you have a sense that those who committed suicide is because they wanted more dignity?

Is ... what you want?

Write values of the organization, ask what would most benefit the people we serve

Part of my responding is organzing a 9-day nonvioent communication rereat, the international intenive training, in Vietnam next year. It's my excuse to attempt creating a container. 2 of our trainers are from the US and the most I can do is to extend some care to them in this period. And generally keep my focus on needs no matter what comes my way.

When I emerge from this chapter I will have more curiostity