RTTC Sep - Dec 2025

Dec 13 - Where to put our attention

=I'm curious if hearing me share this is giving you a bit of permission to be yourself more in your life.

Charged-Pay Paradigm: Protects us from having to reflect

- I have the money or not. I like what they offer or not.

- Patriarchal system are designed to keep us from having to think about needs. Rules, norms, procedures, algorithm (first comes first serves) etc. If you follow, you never have to think about someone's needs. It maintains the veneer of freedom.

- Are you willing to be four again?

=We never know when our questions touch a profound pain point.

- Are you willing to touch into that pain to have more aliveness on the other side? I'd like for you to connect with you before all the stuff happened.

- Am I wondering if you'd benefit with sitting someone and sharing what you love about your sis?

Not today, but to make contact with love & joy in your connection to her.

I'm not talking about mourning, but first celebrating the joy of someone's life.

Fierce Wanters: screw whoever says not to want (Association for Creative Maladjusted People)

- I've gotten life-saving wisdom & I haven't contributed. I don't have guilt but it broke my heart that I couldn't.

1% of population controls 50% of resources.

We'd lose the creativity to figure out how to distribute the stretch. I'm glad for this moment of companionship.

A woman who had hardship said "if I have money I'll give". And she divorced and had some money from her husband. And there was never going to be any more. There weren't going to be parents who were going to die and give her whatever. And she gave Bay NVC 10k which helped us to hire Kit Miller.

Daring life & Trusting life: God gave & God took. May God's name be blessed.

=This is for your freedom. It's what you need to say now to find out what you want to say later.

Cartoon miss magazine - Woman "you always make everything about yourself"  - Man: "do you know how that makes me feel to hear you say that?"

Man asked Rabbi: "I've been good, can you ask God to help me win the lottery?" Rabbi talked to God, a voice said "Can you please ask him to buy the ticket?"

=Thank you for trusting me enough to go on this journey. It's fabulous to say it here. That's why Ivan exist.

My whole life I pushed beyond my limits. 

I'm sensing the tone of your voice over this year is softer. Something has opened for you to settle into yourself. "I'm not wrong. I have a vision & I share the vision."

What you do if you really knew

Life was longing to sing through you.

What'd you sing if your words could convey

Prayers that the world was waiting to pray.

What would you be if your being could free some piece of the world's unwhispered beauty

Why would you stop?

Bless and caress. If you believed that blessing could address our painful illusions of brokenness.

What would you harvest from heartache and pain?

If you understood loss as a way to regain the never-forsaken terrain of belonging.

What would you love

if your love could ignite a sea full of stars on the darkest?

Say what you want. "I so want you to be active. Can you jump over here?" 

Work on my inner should's

Did you tell him that you want more power-with? Scream in jackal first - to make it a reality

When I need it I want it right then - talk myself out of wanting it. I can cry when I feel helpless.

What I applied: Shame? Did I keep a journal of my relationship to shame? At least I'm more intimate a bit with my fears.

Systems: I can name the tension between those who pay & those who receive, resistance to feedback

There was counterstrike - people wasn't ready. 

Choice: Have I been less frozen? I did put my dick on the table by sticking to the facilitation plan. I'm slowly learning NOT to ask for permission for each thing I do as a facilitator.

Tiny moments where I could touch into impermanence as the basic truth. And not reply mindlessly. Money? I spoke about decoupling. We tried to think of needs first. --> To restore flow, we need to lean on trust in life. Release all control.

What's leading you to do that: I'm here to enjoy the presence of people. A friend here said this is like an IV drip of nutrition. How sincere people are in aligning their lives with their vision and purpose, over such a long time. And the Immense support for me to stay in touch with the fears & shame & anger. Take myself seriously and to ask for help.

This huge question of staying with the shame. So many times I struggle to express take up space, to make requests. I mourn my independence.

 I want to be responsible for every message I receive. I lose track of my bigger purpose.

>> Roleplay to release jackals

>> Mourn my independence

>> How to let mom know I appreciate her - Work with my resentment of being controlled, circumscirbed, made dependent

Dec 6 - Patriarchal needs, Shame

Cocreation in a led field

• Intact community: depth of trust, the web of relationships, material ties, and the clarity that anything anyone does can impact the whole --> allow horizontal co-creation
• Systemic mistrust of anyone in any position of leadership (Miki refused managerial position to avoid people deferring)
• Pockets of enough shared purpose & willingness to entrust that higher-capacity people (to envision & live into alternatives) can offer what we have without the criticism and ongoing conflict that plague most groups
• Rules: relinquish choice in areas where we know we don't actually have choice (e.g. addiction), and need to follow it for a while unti we can find the true internal muscle
• Free flow of information about needs, impacts, resources

Ways people often relate to pockets of high capacity & leadership

• Deference: go along without engaging their full self & discernment, do so while maintaining friendliness & warmth 
• Separation
• Rebellion -- deep & vulnerable mutual engagement

Leaders

- Matriarchal: - Greatest capacity to care

- Patriarchal: social location & willingness to exert power over others

Which needs are resonant with liberation from patriarchy (Did they triple sign into liberation?)

• At the start: hold the preciousness of a newfound recognition of needs. Don't squash this. Don't sacrifice connection in the moment for conceptual accuracy.
• Strategic Attachment --------- Flow of Life
• I fully love life. I fully accept Death. I still love my body. I want to give my body what it needs. Now it needs to die.
• Needs that control life, set up boundaries/ protection (Social Structure & Socialization)
• Respect - Care & Mattering
• Money - Freedom & Access to Resources
• Fairness - Equality of Dignity? Evelin Lindner
• I think fairness is controversial since people have different ideas about it. What about fairness that is important for you?
• Permanence - Access to a sense of greater coherence, touching life fully, I could die now and it's okay, this is what it means to be human.
• =I love your willingness to name the places in you and name it with such enthusiasm. 
• Why didn't your mother defend your honor? Fragility - the littlest thing unsettles the entire system. My respect for myself is dependent so much on how others treat me
• Hebrew: root for bread & war is the same. Honor & Respect: hefty, substance.
• Privilege: getting out needs met at the cost of others. Not possible to exit this stage.
• The level of anxiety is immense in circles of great wealth. They cannot make a moral choice. Alarmed aloneness --> hard to access empathy & shared humanity. We appeal to THEIR VALUES and whether they're aligned within themselves, not to use our morals.

Shame: something rare --> commonplace in childhood, care for the whole --> protect the powerful

Sit down & ask what is really important for me?

NVC is simple and not easy.

False flow: we need to pause to be in real flow

=If there's anything you'd be sad about if you didn't ask

Why some people view the Systemic as:

• Judgmental
• Relief & tenderness

Sep 20 - Where to put our attention

Pure needs (care & mattering) & Patriarchally tainted needs (respect)
- Need for prominence - need to be in the flow

Requests - why we don't lean into request

@Disappointment internal - external 

- Fight energy - round allies ---> Loving

Compost, hospicing, letting go -->  

I could die now because I'm showing up the way I want to,

You came here today. Celebration of how you showed up and the yearning of where we want to me.

Miki being warm and relaxed --> The internal state of the intervener is more important

Process, drop the co-creation - What hindered them in pursuing that

"I wonder - about - " Finding trust in ourselves

Boundaries are porous

Unrelenting Why

How you've been changed/ nourished/ supported by being here?

Nov 8

=Raise your hand, only if it's true for you, if you have a felt sense of what Nora contributed. What does it feel like to get noticed?

Not just give content, but building the web of support, of co-holding, holding each other on difficult days

A void can be an opening.

The way that people change (or any of us-not neccesarily here) as we integrate more visionary functioning, it creates challenges, both within and beyond us.

There is no way to predict whether or not people will go with me. Let people leave for the right reasons.

@Dream of me leaving, in a public crowd.

Kit Miller: Please do this only internally for 6 months. Don't change the way you speak, etc.

Avoidable:

X Teach others NVC so I don't have to change myself.

X Implicitly change instead of sharing explicitly I'm changing, and holding your hands through this change.

X Attach to others (and demand them to go along). Jesus kept going despite being laughed at, betrayed.

Releasing attachment to family members:

- I don't have authority

- Setup of nuclear family creates dependencies & impacts that the human body is not designed for. Changes the threshold not the fundamental principle, i.e. what will I tolerate before saying "this is not aligned with life?" What is your journey of liberation? Learning to release attachment in this way or that way?

- Breakups in families happen a lot statistically. This doesn't mean it's recommended or it's not hard. It's easy to grasp the impact on young children when there's separation. It's harder to grasp the impact on young children when 1 or more parent don't live out their purpose and essence. Don't imagine if you stay, there is no impact. Just intuit what they can tolerate. "My daughter doesn't need more things. She needs a mother who's satisfied with her work."

=Can you share what happens within you as you hear this?

@If I was still 4, I'd probably be crying now.

That was a nice idea but not useful for you. I'm willing to let it go.

"It's good for this project to be done." This is a language that sidesteps you. Not "I truly want this done". Same energetic of "others expect me", "I expect myself...".

If I had more strength, I wouldn't work on them.

Take the most time-intensive 5 projects, and imagine letting them go. What will you say, that you see it's important, but you need to let it go? Go through imgination and see what comes for you.

Take a change that is happening within or that we want to see happen, and thinking through the consequences of doing it, not doing it, all 

@Farmers come to cocreate, not just to receive passively. If you want something different, say it. If you don't open up space for feedback, people won't. If you open up, people might not share, but the probability is still higher.
@This is unexpected. I'm choosing/ learning to release attachment in this way.

@Am I living from my essence? 

@It's painful that I KNOW if I agree, it reinforces a pattern of inability to communicate. I thought I changed, but nothing changed. You go back to a place with webs of meaning & threads of functioning that pull you back. I need more support for this.

I wish I could give you my eyes for 10 minutes, so that you could see yourself the way I see you.

I've always positioned myself as part of the team - making people's lives easier. Thanks to this, I was involved deeply in the 

Willing to make mistakes as long as it's aligned with their purpose, take responsibility to it

Fear & blame & punishment

Knowing what they're willing to risk

Small steps to withstand blame as it comes

Be willing to take the next step of leadership

Let go of logistics

Let go of things not going their way

You'll be more tired, you'll complain, I'll be okay

List out things I've been doing, can somebody else fill them

Be there, so that it'll go well, not escalate

1. Are they willing to stand behind their decisions?

- I made a mistake. 

- Overthinking this - You didn't mean to. We didn't think it out. Let's correct this. I won't be here anymore. I want to make sure you're able to do that before my job is over. By 2026. Are you with me. I will support you.

2. 

- Be okay with things falling. --- Can I support you to stand up to TCN?

- Suggest 

- Reflect what they heard 

Who needs to be there to work this out? For conflict to be addressed? 

Who wants to be there?

3pm - 5pm PST

- Tuesday: 2:15-4:15 mediation

sueholper@icloud.com

Sep 20 - Where to put our attention

Khang (39:04)

I also need external support to keep myself at the mediocre level.

(an aside from Miki: We are going to put another seed point in the RTTC landing page for next year: This course will support you in doing things in a mediocre way!)

I have the tendency to avoid building capacity for relationships or stretching relationships, especially with older males.

Building capacity

• Is building that capacity important to do?

• Or is it okay to live for a while without attending to this limitation and just accept it?

• I mean the capacity to recognize a limitation and let it be.

• Maybe your next task is to work on the shame

• Shame is unfriendly to the kind of leadership that we are developing here.

Becoming shameless

• At some point, I realized that my goal was to become 100% shameless.

• In mainstream parlance, being shameless is a really bad quality.

• You're only a good person if you have a certain amount of shame in you.

• Just watch the craziness of that.

• Do you want to live with shame?

The patriarchal story (44:45)

• When shame makes us be considerate to others, it’s a  lack of self-trust.

• “Unless I have shame, I will not be a good person”

• I want you to risk seeing who you are without forcing yourself to do anything.

The Practice of Daily Reflection (48:00)

• The most reliable practice I know for shifting things over time is daily reflection.

• If my goal is to shift my relationship with shame, every night I reflect on How was my relationship with shame today? Did I give in to it, walk towards it, forget about it, learn anything by engaging with it?

• And do it every day.

• It changes things.

The orientation to shame

• The way I want to orient to shame is to do what it tells me not to do if what I want to do is in integrity with my values.

• Just walk directly towards shame.

• I've found that it burns off.

Oct 12 - Thresholds in the VM

Imagine yourself in a setting and choose whether you want the window open or closed. Just imagine yourself into that and now hear this proposal…

• physically raise your hand if the following is true for you, that if we accept my proposal, there will be at least minimal discomfort for you. … okay, so there are a bunch of people that have some discomfort. 

• now I'm going to ask another question. Please raise your hand if the discomfort in you is such that you would rather we had two hours of discussion than just go ahead with this proposal – 

• and almost guaranteed no hand will go up.

And it's not coercion. It's not at all coercion, because if somebody will have enough discomfort, then they would rather continue to discuss it. Then I will and and we will, and we will find another solution, but it it brings people's attention to what matters and what is relevant,