Mediating Dangerously - Kenneth Cloke

Part One: The Inner Frontiers

1 The Dangers of Mediation

Most people prefer the conflicts they know to the resolutions they cannot completely imagine.
As mediators, we need to be willing to bring a deep, dangerous level of honesty and empathy to the dispute resolution process. Otherwise, we become characters in other people’s scripts, rationalizing their torments, fears, and avoidance.
As mediators, we need to avoid producing agreements that do not resolve conflicts, but merely suppress, silence, or settle them, that result not in growth, but in reluctant acquiescence and enduring discord.
To resolve any conflict, we need to trust that what will happen if we discuss it is better than what will happen if we do not. This inevitably means opening Pandora’s box and not really knowing what will fly out.

Alternative definition of conflict: as a way of saying goodbye to a dying relationship, as not recognizing the way our differences fit together, as a need for change, as a way of being negatively intimate when positive intimacy is impossible, lack of skill, disrespecting boundaries, unrealistic expectation, opposing someone who resembles our parents, lack of acceptance of ourselves, lack of awareness of imminence of death/ sudden catastrophe (such things don't matter), or of the innate beauty of human spirit & interconnectedness

The transformational or elicitive model of mediation, (The Promise of Mediation, Folger): conflict as something to be learned from, and the parties as ready for introspection and fundamental change. The mediator: empathetic yet honest agent, whose role is to elicit recognition and empower the parties to solve their own problems.

“Everyone wants to be settled. But only insofar as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

2 Suppression, Settlement, and Resolution

The difference between cowardice and collaboration, condonation and forgiveness, surrender and negotiation, is identical to what distinguishes resolution from suppression. They trade justice for peace.

3 Honesty and Empathy: Speaking the Unspeakable

The primary purpose of mediation is to create a controlled “chain reaction,” in which the conflict is allowed to explode and implode without damaging the parties.
The implosion fuels self-awareness, while the explosion allows them to identify the dysfunctional systems that cause the conflict. The chain reaction starts with deeply honest, empathetic questions that defuse or disarm the parties’ defensive mechanisms, allowing truth and positive feelings to reach their target.
In this way, mediation is a way of combining the passion and learning that transpire during warfare with the introspection and listening that take place during peacetime.
Relationships are nourished when both sides become 100% responsible for making them work.
Mediators usually encourage empathy but NOT honesty.

Couples blame the others, but real change occurs when each party OWNS that they didn't let the spark disappear.
Tell dishonest stories as requests for surrender or acceptance of blame.

Feedback:

Seek permission to say honest feedback
Present it as though we're the ones receiving it
Support and applaud parties' willingness to receive it
Model how to accept negative feedback

Trace anger backwards into self-awareness.
Soften honesty by reminding about empathy or self-interest. Do this for yourself.
"Innocent Victim" and "Righteous Enforcer"
“Poor Innocent Victim Who Did Nothing Wrong,” the “Indignant Avenger of Wrongs,”
“Screw-up Who Can’t Do Anything Right,” and the “Perfect Person Who Never Does Anything Wrong.”

Questions to defuse demonization

“What did he do that you disliked?”
“What would you like him to have done?” “hat would you like him to do now?” “How should he start?” “What should he say?”
“How would you respond if he did?”

High-risk questions to follow up

“What price have you paid for that behavior?”
“What were you afraid would happen if you did or didn’t do that?”
“What would it take for you to give up that behavior?”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“How is this conversation working right now?”

4 When Helping Becomes a Hindrance

counterfeit nurturance: imposing (make decisions for them) or manipulating (assume the helped have my interests)

negative nurturance: People become frightened that positive nurturing is not possible. Pity then suffices, because it is assumed that respect will not be given freely.

They believe they will only be supported as long as they are in pain, unhealed and opposed by some evil. --> Each must question their role in the system.

South African novelist Nadine Gordimer wrote, “The true definition of loneliness is to live without social responsibility.”

5 Exploring the Conflicts Within Ourselves

Ruthellen Josellson

Ask for permission before asking

What is it specifically you don’t like about yourself?
By what standard are you measuring yourself?
Who set or created that standard? Why did they create it?
Who lives up to that standard? What price do they pay for doing so?
Who in your family planted the idea that you were inadequate? Who planted it in them?
What benefits do you get from poor self-esteem? Can you get these benefits any other way?
What price are you paying for poor self-esteem? What price have others paid?
What might you learn from the parts of yourself you see as deficient?
For each of your defects, what is a corresponding strength?
For each of the strengths you admire in others, what is a corresponding defect?
Who do you think cares whether you think badly about yourself? Why do they care? Is it because of who you are, or because of their own insecurities? Why do you care?
What would happen if you felt good about yourself? What would you gain or lose? What would others gain or lose?
How much of your life are you prepared to waste feeling badly about yourself?

Before a mediation, ask parties & mediator to score from 1-10 for the following (especially for conflicts with deep fears, apathy, insanity, dishonesty):

How valuable a mediation do you plan to have today?
How participative and engaged do you plan to be?
How much risk do you plan to take?
How open, honest, and constructive do you plan to be?
How willing are you to listen nondefensively and nonjudgmentally?
How willing are you to accept critical feedback about what you have contributed to the conflict?
How willing are you to feel empathy or compassion for the other side?
How responsible do you feel for finding solutions that work for the other side?
How committed are you to actually implementing whatever you decide today?
How willing are you to let go of the conflict and improve your relationship with the other side?

6 Mediating Fear, Apathy, Insanity, and Dishonesty

Anger - Fear - Pain - Love

7 Dismantling the Desire for Revenge 73
8 The Magic of Forgiveness 87
9 The Significance of Spirit 108
10 Conflict as a Spiritual Path 119
Part Two: The Outer Frontiers 127
11 Mediating Fascism and Oppressive Relationships 129
12 Power, Rights, and Interests 140
13 Creating Responsible Communities 157
14 What’s Better Than the Rule of Law 164
15 Shifting from Debate to Dialogue 174
16 Improving the Way We Fight 186
17 Transforming the System 193
18 The Politics of Conflict 207
19 Conflict Resolution Systems Design and
the United Nations 219
20 Where Inner and Outer Frontiers Meet 231

Mediation Starter: What is the problem here that we're trying to solve?

Whether we should do something VS. When we should do it
How to find my money VS Is it worth finding/ You should be more careful/ Prove I'm wrong

Coaching: What is the problem you want to solve? When you frame it that way, does it make them want to solve that problem too?

Reframing: What does the church smell like? Smell like feet. Smell like commitment. Smell like roses. Father Greg Boyle. Don't tell them exactly what is here, phrase the issue so that they can flip the situation and see it differently.

Groan Zone: The other fellow looked at the cart full of apples, then down at the dirt road. “An hour if you go slowly,” he replied, “and all day if you go fast.”

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